i don't know what i'm doing

I know it's normal to be going into university not knowing what you're doing with your life. I know it's normal to be a teen and not have a clear plan. but i truly don't know if i ever felt any sense of direction.

everyone talks about what they wanted to do when they were a little kid or what field they want to go into or maybe just a really cool hobby they have that they want to incorporate into their lives. i never felt that. i never had a dream career, or a particularly favourite subject, or a true passion per say. i love hanging out with my friends and going for bike rides and listening to music, nothing that can actually be converted into a career. i spent my entire childhood listening to the adults in my life tell me that it was ok and i had time to figure that and myself out. in just over a month, I will be moving out for university, so i guess it's safe to say, my time has runneth out.

in just over a month, i will be starting a university program that i started researching a week before university applications were due and that was easily the most expensive option out of all the programs i applied to, that wasn't even in the field i initially claimed i was interested in. a program i haven't stopped second guessing since i accepted. it was chosen because it was highly competitive and i wanted to say i got in, and because it was my parents top pick.

i've always been a great student and was told by many teachers that i would do great things. ever since i graduated i feel like what was a massive part of my identity has been lost and that maybe i don't know what to do at all anymore. i feel like a frankensteined collection of other people's wants for me slowly conglomerating into one semi functional human being. i worry sometimes that none of my decisions are truly my own, that i listen to what other people tell me what to do and convince myself that it was what i always wanted anyways. i worry that i go along with what other people want because it's easier than acknowledging i don't have a singular clue who i am or what i want. i worry i'll become yet another student who had such great potential who burnt out before they even really got started.

it's true that i don't know what i want. it's true that i have no plan for beyond university, that i don't even entirely know what my plan is once i actually get to campus. i have everything i should need for success. i have great grades, supportive parents who will be helping financially, and even a friend who will be studying at the same school as me who i can visit. why isn't it enough? why can't i be excited for this next chapter?