How do I move forward with my relationships.
Hiya.
Anytime I speak like what I'm about to speak, whether it be online or with family members... I get the same response... Have you been to your doctor, are you seeing a therapist.. Which perplexs me in itself.
Anyway...
I hope someone can hear me out non-judgementally and with compassion.
I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, traits of emotionally unstable personality disorder and suffer from visual, audio and tactile hallucinations. I live alone with my son.
I've harmed him in the past and it can be very confusing for us both as it can happen out of the blue and even sometimes when we are just sat chilling.
I've got better and better at controlling it over the years and haven't physically hurt anyone for around four-six months.
I was lay in my bed the other day with my son next to me, he was above the quilts, I was completely calm and all of a sudden I felt something wash over me and I wanted to punch him, so I shouted at him to get out of my room to protect him.
If you can imagine a child at the side of the road, and their parent shouting at them because they are worried they are going to get run over.. It was kinda like that.
But now he is really confused, he doesn't understand what he's done/doing wrong and neither do I and all I can do is push him away for his own safety.
I haven't had friends for nearly two years, I'm isolated and I've been single for six years. I have recently tried to get married, but what decent man is going marry a women who hits and neglects her child, and how am I going to maintain a relationship if I use the same coping mechanism in relationships?
I don't know how to move forward with my life.
I am due to see a clinical psychologist in ten months.
@sunnySkies3894 Hi, i'm sorry to hear about this and it must be difficult to deal with it, but what you do is a good thing for him, and i wonder if he is old enough to hear from you about your state/why you do that, talk about it with him, it can really help both of you to deal with it in a better way, also i want to encourage you not to isolate yourself, your situation is common 1/100 people , go through it, and its alright, you can try few things such going to walks and if you work it would be really great, if not maybe try to find a job too, and always keep in mind that me and other listeners too are there for you, if you wish to talk this further, and i do really encourage that idea of seeing clinical psychologist and follow up with him will really help you out on many levels, but as for now, try to open up to your situation and know that its not uncomon thing and talking it through will be a great thing to do, as for your son, if he is still young now and feels confused one day he will understand don't worry about it 
and again i'm there for you and others too
@TheFallenOne14s thank you we have started discussing my illness and it is helping already. As far as a job... That's only going to make things more difficult for me although I can understand how you feel that is a way forward.
@TheFallenOne14s unfortunately isolating myself is all I can do at the moment. I did go out yesterday and it was very difficult being around other people, I feel a lot safer at home at the moment. I did purposely get a bus home that stopped a half hour walk away from my house, so o could walk some of the way home, and although I was overwhelmed walking past people, the fresh air and exercise made me feel a lot better, thank you.
@sunnySkies3894 i'm glad to hear that you are discussing it with him and that its helping, also i understand how difficult it is to walk outside your home among people and how safer it feels at home, but as you said the fresh air helps, and if you don't like to go that far, you can always just walk around the house maybe, just for the fresh air <3 , you're doing very great
@TheFallenOne14s thank you :)
@sunnySkies3894
Hi. First, I want to tell you that your awarness into your issues is your greatest strenght. It takes courage to admit our problems and I commend you for that. I am not judging and my words come from a place of compassion. Is there any way you can get in to see a psychologist or social worker sooner? Someone who is specifically trained to help you cope and move forward. I know you know your kiddo is very confused and he is having a really hard time understanding, I would venture to say he is probably too young to truly understand. He needs you to get help. I am here if you need me.
@ali1112 yh that's what I am doing, getting help. Unfortunately I can not see a professional any time soon and these are the exact thing you can not talk about in therapy.
@sunnySkies3894
I think it's incredibly brave to talk about this and also it shows how strong you are that you are aware of the situation completely. I think that just being aware of your actions and how they are wrong is the first step in getting help and getting better. Is there any way that you can see a clinical psychologist sooner than that? I believe that your son needs his mommy to be in a healthy, safe state as soon as possible.
@cheerfulDay083 thank you but I don't feel like that though. Exposing my deepest hate and confusion of myself, and I only know this now because I've had too.. So I don't feel any of the possitive things. And I know yh but it's going to take time. I have a lot to work through. I'm very nearly over the childhood stuff. He's okay at the moment, I'm managing a bit better the last few days. And I'm not able to get any professional help before then.