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theletterem
424 M Embraced 3
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts10 Forum posts20 Forum upvotes14 Current upvotes14 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2018 Member sinceNovember 27, 2016
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I think I experienced covert sexual abuse from a friend
Trauma Support / by theletterem
Last post
 July 30th, 2018
...See more Growing up, I was emotionally abused by my best friend. We were best friends from about age 3 or 4 until I was 15. I realized at about age 15 that she was emotionally abusing me, and I ended the friendship. Now I'm wondering if she might have been sexually abusing me, too. I didn't really have other friends for the most part because I was shy and I was scared to make other friends because of my abusive friend (she got extremely possessive and upset about this type of thing), so I don't really know what was normal. Growing up, we would always change clothes in the same room. As very young kids, this didn't seem weird to me. But like...thinking about it, when we were preteens/teens, it seems a little...weird. Especially considering she was anorexic and would CONSTANTLY make comments about her body as she stood there naked and would grab her boobs and just like...kind of feel everything and look at its size and I think even comment on her pubic hair (at the time it didn't seem like a sexual thing, it seemed more like something she was doing because of her ED. now I don't know.). She would also always be with me whenever one of us used the bathroom...like for some reason, we always went to the bathroom together. She was a little older than me and was more "assertive" (ie abusive - but no one realized it), so I just sort of submitted to whatever she wanted and didn't question it. But now I'm thinking it's weird. I had an extremely upsetting dream about her trying to have sex with me last night and touching my private parts. (In the dream, I felt trapped and like I had to try to do it for her and just extremely confused about my feelings.) She never touched me in real life, at least not that I can remember, but it made me start thinking about this past stuff. Is this covert sexual abuse? She would also make comments about how she viewed our friendship as being more like a married couple because we were so close, which made me feel kind of weird even when I was younger. (If you need more info, I can give more...not sure about the sexual abuse, but I can say with 10000% certainty that she was very emotionally abusive to me. Controlled everything down to how often I shaved my legs.) I'm in a relationship with a boy now and I've noticed that physical stuff scares me....the day we made out for the first time, I enjoyed it while it was happening and felt safe, but afterward I absolutely panicked (I believe I had an emotional flashback) and felt like I was in extreme danger. Couldn't figure out why because I've never been touched inappropriately, so I just assumed I hadn't been sexually abused. Now I don't know...any thoughts? I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow and am going to bring it up to her.
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Feeling loopy when depression hits
Depression Support / by theletterem
Last post
 August 28th, 2018
...See more This is kind of a weird question, but I'm wondering if anyone else experiences this. My depression is WAY better than it used to be. However, of course there are times where something triggers me and I spiral and I will get very depressed very quickly. (typically for me, my depression hits hard and fast but doesn't last a super long time.) I've noticed that when I get depressed like that, I get tired/almost dizzy/kind of loopy. It's kind of a drugged feeling. I'm not sure if it's the depression or if it's from my medication (my medication doesn't make me feel bad but maybe this is my medication preventing me from feeling suical and just making me loopy instead). Any ideas?
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OCD going wild over brother being sick
OCD & Related Behaviors / by theletterem
Last post
 March 1st, 2018
...See more For as long as I can remember, my younger brother getting sick has been a massive trigger for my OCD. And I just....I feel so crazy and I guess I just need to hear that other people have this. Because it's not just that he's sick and I could catch it. It's that he's sick, and I could get sick, and also that somehow my brain convinces me that my parents will abandon me while he's sick and that I don't matter. And like he has a cold right now and I feel like I might be getting it, but then I keep convincing myself I'm making it up and I'm just seeking attention and that that means I'm "really crazy." (I get paranoid about getting sick and often feel sick from anxiety, which my OCD tells me is actually me just making things up because I'm "crazy.") Hopefully this makes sense. Basically it's not a simple fear, it's this whole spiraling loop of obsessions and I just want to know if anyone else has similar issues. Also to add to me feeling weird, I love it in fiction when a character is sick and another character cares for them - so you think irl I would just want to take care of sick people. But instead I feel like I make it all about me, and even though I'm not trying to do that, it makes me so angry at myself.
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My brother is sick and I'm full on panicking
OCD & Related Behaviors / by theletterem
Last post
 January 8th, 2018
...See more For my entire life, my brother getting sick has been a HUGE OCD/anxiety trigger. I get scared I'll get sick, and I start feeling like if he's sick my parents will abandon me and only care about him. Which is very irrational, but...it's just the way it is. I'm on meds and my OCD is a lot better, but was one of my first obsessions and has stuck with me literally since I was probably about three years old. I've been sick for two weeks with a really sucky head cold, which I figured he was getting last night when he said he didn't feel great. Which still freaked me out because apparently I have abandonment issues, but...it wasn't as bad. Today he woke up with a fever of 103, so now I'm panicking. I start school again today and I have a job, and I'm terrified it's the flu and I'll get sick and have to miss those things. Also freaked out my parents will abandon me (it doesn't help that my mom is at a new job today and I can't really talk to her because of that), and also scared my brother (or I if I get sick) will vomit (I have emetophobia). ALSO I just feel like a crappy person for not being reasonably concerned about him and instead just panicking to the point where I either lay frozen with fear or feel like I have to run away to escape the situation. (also I have no local friends, so I can't go to anyone's house to get away.) Basically I'm just a mess right now and don't know what to do.
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Do I tell people about my thoughts?
OCD & Related Behaviors / by theletterem
Last post
 July 26th, 2017
...See more My OCD finds parts of my personality to analyze&misinterpret. What I mean is it finds something harmless and makes me start obsessing that it's actually weird, disgusting, perverted, etc. And it's over such stupid things. Like, as an example, I read fanfics. Some of the fanfics I like involve character a being sick and character b taking care of them. I like those because they're cute, usually don't involve sex (I avoid reading sexual fanfics), and I like reading about character b loving on and taking care of character a. But my brain picks it apart and tricks me into freaking out that it's actually something disgusting. I went through this huge thought spiral that maybe I liked those fics because I had some weird sexual thing regarding them, and then I started freaking out that I was going to grow up and have munchausen syndrome and abuse people. The thought spiral was ridiculous; I knew that logically. But I couldn't stop it. And talking about it - telling a person to prove to myself that my thoughts arent disgusting - would probably have helped. But when I get into spirals, my brain WILL NOT let me tell someone because I'm convinced that I'm disgusting and everyone would hate me if they knew how gross I was. Normally I can't even write the thoughts, so I guess this is progress. Does anyone have the same problem where their brain misinterprets innocent stuff as "bad"? Any tips for dealing? Just wanna know I'm not alone and gross.
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Nervous about going to work with a cold
Anxiety Support / by theletterem
Last post
 May 30th, 2017
...See more So like a month ago I posted on here talking about how my social anxiety gets bad when I'm sick....I have a cold again and I have to work most of this week, and I'm nervous about people noticing I sound stuffed up and things like that (do any of you feel self conscious about stuff like that or is it just me?). Does anyone have tips for making it as non-stressful as possible? I'm already nervous because even though I like my job, I'm always anxious that I'll mess up and my boss will get angry (even though she's sweet and understanding), and this just adds to it and makes me even more anxious about interacting with people.
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Cold making social anxiety worse
Anxiety Support / by theletterem
Last post
 April 18th, 2017
...See more This is a weird question, but I've had a cold for the past week and I always notice my social anxiety goes crazy when I'm sick....Like I have some weird anxiety over coughing around other people or even blowing my nose in front of my family because it will be "loud" or "gross"...Even though most people don't think twice about that type of thing. I used to even have a hard time telling them if I was feeling sick, although I've gotten better at that. Does anyone else with social anxiety have similar issues? I feel super weird because I feel like it's really bizarre to be anxious about this.
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