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tinybb
1 25,540 M Aiming High 6
PathStep 103 Compassion hearts353 Forum posts25 Forum upvotes25 Current upvotes25 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2025 Member sinceJune 25, 2018
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Past memories still haunt me
Trauma Support / by tinybb
Last post
 December 9th, 2019
...See more When I was thirteen, I got really sick and I had to be hospitilized for a week. It was my first time in a hospital, I usually had the occasional doctor visit but never an overnight stay. That alone was scary. However, what I couldn't get out of my head is how I was treated. We all know how bad the emergency room can be but that was not what's bothering me. I was passed out during that time. What bothered me was that no one told me what they were doing as they did it. One act is very private so I'm not going to talk about other then they respected my privacy and only the doctor was present for that. The other one was a total violation. So, as I said I was just thirteen and my parents only visited during lunch break and after work and I was too sick to be able to speak much. Though the nurse was very nice to me and treated me kindly, he allowed something that still haunts me today. I think some people will say that it is not a big deal and they would argue but I think they could have done it very differently. It's nothing other than an electrocardiography. I have seen them do it to an old lady through the curtains on my first day and I felt bad how they didn't pay more attention to her privacy. When the nurse brought the machine to my room he brought with him a string of interns. So there I was, surrounded by more than six grown ups watching my naked and quite developped torso. I get that he wanted to show them how it was done and I get it that they just see it as a job and that those interns have the right to learn. I get all of that but I was a kid, insecure my breasts started developping and I hated the way the looked. And I watched as men and women stared mainly at that area. I wanted to cry but I was too tired to do anything. I averted my eyes and pretended they weren't there. I didn't tell my parents, I didn't tell anybody for a long time. It just kept coming to my mind from time to time and I wondered if they had the right to do that, if they should have asked my permission, if the nurse could have covered me up with a blanket of a towel. Or was it because I was a kid, I was short and skinny and they thought it was okay because maybe there was nothing to see. But there was, for me at least especially that I had one which was slightly bigger then the other and that drove me crazy. My sister, many years later, started studying physiotherapy and she interned as a nurse for a couple of months. I asked her how patients should be treated and she told me about all the ways to respect their bodies. That was the first time, I opened up about that incident. After that, the feelings of guilt started. I was ashamed that I let it happen, I was angry that they violated my trust, I was sad that they took advantage of my vulnerability. It still crosses my mind and I hope no one has to go through that but now I know it's not my fault and I learned to accept my body with all it's imperfections. Maybe parents should talk to their girls about this before they leave them alone in hospitals. I don't know, I just wanted to share the story, maybe this can help someone.
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I don't know what to call this
Anxiety Support / by tinybb
Last post
 August 28th, 2019
...See more A little more than a year ago, I wasn
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I'm feeling lost
Anxiety Support / by tinybb
Last post
 March 6th, 2019
...See more I had a fight with my friend, I had a fight with my family, My mother is coming over for a visit and I don
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Lost memories
Trauma Support / by tinybb
Last post
 January 26th, 2019
...See more Don't know if what happened to me was sexual abuse because I don't remember how it started. The guy keeps telling me that I seduced him. The thing is, I was around 8 years old when he started asking me to do stuff for him claiming that I started it. What frustrates me is that I don't remember at all the first time it the second or whatever number of times I forgot. It's like that time didn't exist at all and I woke up one day and found myself being forced to perform sexual acts to a kid 3 years older than me. It went on for years and years until I finally cut every tie to this guy when I turned 13. But every time I told him I didn't want to do it he would threaten me saying he'll expose me to everyone. My dad is so strict and I was so scared he'll know, still am actually. I'm afraid he'll think of me badly and say I'm dirty or something. I can't commit to any relationship. The moment things get intimate and I cut The relationship short. I don't go on dates. Don't bare to be touched. But I still crave a connection. I have no idea what to do. I'm messed up and it's not fair to string someone along. I gave up on the idea of getting married and I don't wish to ever have kids. This is killing me. I just wish I could forget it all just like I forgot the start.
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one lost memory
Anxiety Support / by tinybb
Last post
 January 11th, 2019
...See more He looked at me. His brown mischievous eyes looked a lot similar to mine. However, that wasnt the only thing we had in common. We both loved anime and spent hours watching it together. We would collect money together to buy DVDs and watch them. We were so sneaky about it because my dad wouldnt want his little girl to not be in her room at the middle of the night. We played lots of video games and even though he beats me most of the time, I had so much fun. We loved soccer and played it a lot, teaming up against a couple of kids from the neighborhood. We had our strategy down pat. I would snatch the ball from the other team, pass it to him and he would score. I was fast and he was smart and talented. Everyone loved him. Whats not to love? Coaxing or coercing, your choice. he stated. They werent his words but he loved to say them. He saw them on the cover of one of my dads books and he found the right use for them. As for me, I hated them. He made it seem like I had a choice. Made it seem like the ball was in my court. I didnt see the threat for what it really was, an empty threat. I was just a kid and he outsmarted me. I sink to my knees, hatred filling my heart and dread filling my guts. I feel nauseous. I gag. I dont remember, but you started it. He insisted. Maybe its the truth. How will I know when I have no recollection of it. I have no idea how, when or why it started. How could such an important memory vanish with no trace? You only read about this in books or watch it in movies. Why is it happening to me then? It is as if I woke up one day and found myself in a different life and I have no idea how I got there. Lets have fun! he coaxed. His idea of fun wasnt the same as mine. I dont know why no one noticed. Especially after he brought other guys with him. No one said anything. No one knew that my world was crumbling. No one knew my dreams, my hopes and my innocence were taken from me. I lay down, my feet dangling from the bed. I look bored. Just get it over with. Why do you hate him so much? they asked. Because I just do, why do I have to like him? Hes funny, charming, handsome, smart, courteous, talented, outgoing… the list goes on and on. He was good at everything he does. Then, there is the youre such a hateful, black-hearted, bratty, disrespectful girl. I was just not good enough. Whats not to love? they say. Whats to love? I feel. He robbed me my innocence. He slapped me. Youre good for nothing! he yells. Youre an animal! I spit back. He slaps me. He slaps me again. He beats me. I do nothing to defend myself. I just add fuel to the fire. Im bruised all over. But they still refuse to notice. No one cares to see. Im done. I thought I was done. Hes out of my life. Thought that was the last of it. It wasnt. You are trash. I think. And I am. I am dirty, unclean, filthy, just plain trash. My self-hatred journey begins. My Im not worthy journey begins. My panic attack journey begins. My anxiety journey begins. My life turned into a hell. A hell I created for myself. A life controlled by fear. A life crippled by anxiety. Where is he now? Is guilt eating him alive? Or is it just me? Is he living in misery? Or is it just me? Is he the one who started it? Or was it me?
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