one lost memory

He looked at me.

His brown mischievous eyes looked a lot similar to mine. However, that wasnt the only thing we had in common. We both loved anime and spent hours watching it together. We would collect money together to buy DVDs and watch them. We were so sneaky about it because my dad wouldnt want his little girl to not be in her room at the middle of the night. We played lots of video games and even though he beats me most of the time, I had so much fun. We loved soccer and played it a lot, teaming up against a couple of kids from the neighborhood. We had our strategy down pat. I would snatch the ball from the other team, pass it to him and he would score. I was fast and he was smart and talented. Everyone loved him. Whats not to love?

Coaxing or coercing, your choice. he stated.

They werent his words but he loved to say them. He saw them on the cover of one of my dads books and he found the right use for them. As for me, I hated them. He made it seem like I had a choice. Made it seem like the ball was in my court. I didnt see the threat for what it really was, an empty threat. I was just a kid and he outsmarted me. I sink to my knees, hatred filling my heart and dread filling my guts. I feel nauseous. I gag.

I dont remember, but you started it. He insisted.

Maybe its the truth. How will I know when I have no recollection of it. I have no idea how, when or why it started. How could such an important memory vanish with no trace? You only read about this in books or watch it in movies. Why is it happening to me then? It is as if I woke up one day and found myself in a different life and I have no idea how I got there.

Lets have fun! he coaxed.

His idea of fun wasnt the same as mine. I dont know why no one noticed. Especially after he brought other guys with him. No one said anything. No one knew that my world was crumbling. No one knew my dreams, my hopes and my innocence were taken from me. I lay down, my feet dangling from the bed. I look bored. Just get it over with.

Why do you hate him so much? they asked.

Because I just do, why do I have to like him? Hes funny, charming, handsome, smart, courteous, talented, outgoing… the list goes on and on. He was good at everything he does. Then, there is the youre such a hateful, black-hearted, bratty, disrespectful girl. I was just not good enough. Whats not to love? they say. Whats to love? I feel. He robbed me my innocence.

He slapped me.

Youre good for nothing! he yells. Youre an animal! I spit back. He slaps me. He slaps me again. He beats me. I do nothing to defend myself. I just add fuel to the fire. Im bruised all over. But they still refuse to notice. No one cares to see. Im done. I thought I was done. Hes out of my life. Thought that was the last of it. It wasnt.

You are trash. I think.

And I am. I am dirty, unclean, filthy, just plain trash. My self-hatred journey begins. My Im not worthy journey begins. My panic attack journey begins. My anxiety journey begins. My life turned into a hell. A hell I created for myself. A life controlled by fear. A life crippled by anxiety. Where is he now? Is guilt eating him alive? Or is it just me? Is he living in misery? Or is it just me? Is he the one who started it? Or was it me?