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unassumingDog4740
130 M Embraced 1
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts20 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes9 Current upvotes9 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2022 Member sinceJuly 14, 2021
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Trying to let the past go
Family & Caregivers / by unassumingDog4740
Last post
 June 26th, 2022
...See more I don’t know where to start with this. This is probably going to be a novel, so first I’ll give a TLDR: My step mom bullied me all throughout my childhood and teenage years, and I am struggling to forgive her and move on. Growing up, my step mom seemed to resent me. She used to make fun of my appearance (I liked to dress kinda… out there. Think dyed blue hair and leggings with cat heads.) What I’m really struggling with though is, when I was in college, I wanted to go to school full time and focus and therefore didn’t want to work. My scholarships and student loans paid for my expenses so I didn’t have to work. I was constantly ridiculed by my step mom and father (who I think was influenced by her) for being “lazy”, “irresponsible”, and “not a real adult”. Fast forward to my graduation from school, when I got offered a position with extremely well pay and benefits 2 weeks later. Funny enough, the job brought me to the city that they live in, so I have a lot more interaction with them. Anyway, she has been behaving in ways that are triggering for me. She quit her job because she felt it wasn’t fair that she had to work, and wants my father to be the breadwinner. She also depends on my father for… well, mostly everything. She’s finally had to go back to work because they are struggling financially. She has my dad fill out her job applications for her and take those personality tests that jobs sometimes make you take. I’ve been reflecting a lot on this and why it’s so bothersome for me. I believe that she used to lash out at me and call me names because she was projecting her own insecurities. I think she’s always been jealous of me and my mother. I could be wrong, but that’s just what I’ve picked up on. Her current behavior is just screaming hypocritical in my face. I’ve always felt like I was put down, even when I was succeeding. I’m the first and only member of my family who went to college. I am so proud of myself, and I am thriving in my career. It makes me angry that she belittled me and made me feel horribly throughout my entire life, and now she’s displaying all of the qualities she accused me of being. I don’t know how to move forward from this. Part of me wants to sit her down and explain to her how she made me feel growing up, and how she’s behaving currently is bothering that pain that I haven’t healed from. But on the other hand, I’m scared of that process, and I really don’t even have high hopes that it would be beneficial. Who knows, maybe she’s open to hearing me, but she’s one of the most judgmental and close-minded people I’ve ever met. So I think my other answer is to accept that this is just the type of person she is, and to let go of the pain that she has inflicted on me. We do get along now, but I feel like our relationship is just a superficial, surface level one. I mostly just avoid oversharing about my life and try to keep the peace. I just want to stop hurting from these past wounds. And maybe even have a better relationship with her. Thank you for sticking it out reading this long post. Any and all advice is appreciated. TIA❤️
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Conflict with Step Mom
Family & Caregivers / by unassumingDog4740
Last post
 July 14th, 2021
...See more I moved in with my dad and step mom about 4 months ago after I graduated college and got a job in their city. I plan on staying here until I get a pay raise after a year, then I want to move out on my own. I have never fully gotten along with my step mom. Growing up, I’d come to visit my dad for school breaks, holidays, etc. She was always very controlling of me, for example wouldn’t let me wear certain things out of the house (for context, it was nothing that was age-inappropriate, it was just “weird” stuff like leggings with cat heads on it, because I was an eccentric teenager) because it embarrassed her. She would call me ugly because of the colors I liked to dye my hair (blue, pink, purple, any color of the rainbow). She’s always had something negative to say about me. I like to stay up late and sleep in late, and in her eyes that means I’m lazy and irresponsible. I didn’t want to work a job while I was in college because I wanted to focus on school, that also meant that I’m lazy and irresponsible. I now have a great job that I love, and I’m currently teleworking because of the pandemic. She comes home before I’m off the clock, and she gets mad when she sees me still in my pajamas as I’m working. She’s also very controlling of my dad. She won’t let him wear certain things, cut his hair any other way than it is now, or buy a car in his favorite color because she thinks it’s ugly. Really just petty stuff. There are many other instances similar to these that have happened all throughout my life (her and my dad got married when I was seven). I thought I was doing a good job at letting all of that stuff go, even though she still bothers me every now and then about something. Until tonight… What started out as a joke (or at least I thought) at dinner turned into an argument. I made a comment about how I don’t have any money (even though I do, I’ve been saving all I can since I started working). She asked me where all of my money was going, and I still was joking around and said “none of your business”. She then gets defensive and says that it is her business as I am living in her home. Mind you, I’m paying rent to them and my dad offered me to stay with them for as long as I’d like. I told her that the only thing she should be concerned about is if I’m paying rent and that I’m free to do whatever I want with the rest of my paycheck. She then threatened to increase how much I pay for rent. I got so angry, and totally shut down and have not spoken to her the rest of the night. I also feel I may have overreacted a little bit at and became unnecessarily dramatic, but it really just triggered all of the resentment I have towards her and I let my emotions get the best of me. My dad did not hear any of this going on. I really need to talk to him and tell him what happened, as it really just brought back all of my unresolved and hurt feelings from all these past years. Yet, I’m scared, because in the past he has always taken her side simply because he doesn’t want to cause tension with her. I avoid confrontation at all costs, but I feel that it’s time to let him know how she has made me feel tonight and all of these years growing up. I’m just scared and don’t know what to do. I don’t want to cause tension between them, or between me and my dad.
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