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zaaab
1 3,837 M Seeking Light 3
PathStep 6 Compassion hearts571 Forum posts142 Forum upvotes358 Current upvotes358 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2026 Member sinceAugust 26, 2023
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General Support / by zaaab
Last post
 June 11th
...See more Suddenly tears well up and out of nowhere a wave of sadness washes over you.. You try to hide it but like a tsunami it refuses to be tamed No authorisation  No space No tissue Not yet Too late. You cant keep everything inside, if you dont let it out, it will let itself out at the most inconvenient time and place🫂
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Full body shut down*
General Support / by zaaab
Last post
 May 18th
...See more Can still feel the cringe in my bones A simple task of setting something up on my moms phone literally made my head spin. I was married to a gambling addict, this morning while on my moms phone a random betting site popped up My body ran cold, head became clogged and i just froze, unable to do anything. A million different emotions all at once. In the background my nephew is crying and i try to fight bursting out in tears too I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself down, "it was just a pop up", "nothing was happening", "no one was in danger" but my body and soul couldn't be convinced  The worst thoughts ran through my mind I Just wanted to hug my soul and tell her that shes safe  Trauma is real and i hope we all get the healing we need and deserve.  *hugs*
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😪vent
Relationship Stress / by zaaab
Last post
 April 11th
...See more I thought once i leave him things will be better.. to be honest, it really doesn't feel that way. The trauma of his betrayal is sketched deep into my soul, feels like a part of me that i cant get rid of. Every memory, every picture,  every conversation keeps replaying in my mind and breaks my heart each and every time. Often reminded of how he chose every single person above me.  My love and loyalty ment absolutely nothing to him. 8 years of investing in a family he couldn't care less about. Each time i tried to build , he would take those very bricks and build somewhere else. Everything i needed, he freely provided to others,everything he tried to save another woman from, he put me through.  Its been 4months since i got my divorce yet it feels i grow angrier with every passing day. The man i poured my heart and soul into does not even acknowledge how he damaged me. His lack of remorse definitely makes it 100x worse. He has shattered my confidence because my marriage was a complete circus, he had me as the biggest clown.  My heart aches though i dont want to admit, it hurts more than it should. What do i do with these scars? Scars no1 sees, scars he wont recognise so now i look like the crazy one💔 How does someone say that they love u but do everything that breaks u down?  I do not want the relationship back, i just want all the memories of him and wat hes done to disappear because it is absolute absolute torture!  My soul screams murder but heart is too tired for revenge🩶 Thread wont make sense because my heart is in complete chaos😒
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The peace after all the pieces?
Relationship Stress / by zaaab
Last post
 February 8th
...See more That sudden nothingness thats felt after the divorce is finally through.. No more drama, just stillness.. No more tummy turning.. No anxiety.. Is this what they call peace? Then why does my heart seek danger.. why does it crave the constant on edge that was my norm for the past 4 years.. why is it not satisfied that it is now safe? 
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Finally able to breathe.. with a sigh at the end
Relationship Stress / by zaaab
Last post
 December 29th, 2025
...See more flew (literally jumped on a plane with my  kids) out of a toxic relationship, with no return ticket!  I just left, no goodbye,  no explaining. Took my exhausted soul and flew off.  Felt so damn good, at the time. Now reality is starting to set in..  No job ✔️ No plan✔️ No idea✔️ The whispers of my broken heart 🍂I miss him 🍂 mybe i should've tried harder 🍂 mybe he will change  🍂 mybe i should go back the hugs of my soul 🤍 you got this! 🤍 you deserve better! 🤍 trust the process ! 🤍 i love you! A gentle reminder to myself and everyone else finding themselves in a tight spot, hang in there, for He in whos hands lie your life, has a plan for it🤍
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365 days later..
General Support / by zaaab
Last post
 September 20th, 2025
...See more Was just reading some of the things i posted in my most vulnerable and distressed moments.  And wow, im in the exact space i was 1 year ago. Like how is that even possible?? Iv endured so much more, iv overcome so much more and iv lost so much more.. Yet, im in the exact space i was last year this time. Stuck in this sick cycle. In a recent post of my spouse's relapse i mentioned that im focusing on myself, im even starting therapy. Yet, last night i couldn't sleep.  Tossing and turning waiting for him to come home. Tons of msgs and missed calls but no response. I know that they are not themselves in these times, but it still hurts that he wouldn't let me know that he is ok atleast.  I hope to hear from him and in the same breath i dread the state he will return home in. Sitting with my kids and im completely absent. Breaks my heart that im unable to give them anything because my head is clogged with stress. Ups and downs Round and round I guess
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Sigh
Relationship Stress / by zaaab
Last post
 September 16th, 2025
...See more Every couple of months or years i post of how i want to leave because im so sick and tired. Yet every couple of months or years im still here. I await the day that i walk free of fear of walking free
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Relapse of a spouse
General Support / by zaaab
Last post
 September 17th, 2025
...See more Hi everyone.  Im too emotionally drained to even type. However, if anyone of you are struggling with the addiction of a spouse im sending you loads of strength.  I urge you to put yourself and your well being first because as much as we love them, we cannot be of any help when we are depleted. We cannot make them change unless they want to. Im speaking of first hand experience,  i thought i was strong enough to help him through it. I thought i didn't need help. Truth be told, im half losing my mind because i cannot cope. Got the reality check of another 50k gambling debt after we just settled the 150k debt. And as much as those with addictions need support, those who support them also need support.  Whatever you decide to do for your own well being,  is the best thing you can do👌
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