365 days later..

Was just reading some of the things i posted in my most vulnerable and distressed moments. 

And wow, im in the exact space i was 1 year ago. Like how is that even possible?? Iv endured so much more, iv overcome so much more and iv lost so much more..

Yet, im in the exact space i was last year this time. Stuck in this sick cycle.

In a recent post of my spouse's relapse i mentioned that im focusing on myself, im even starting therapy.

Yet, last night i couldn't sleep.  Tossing and turning waiting for him to come home. Tons of msgs and missed calls but no response. I know that they are not themselves in these times, but it still hurts that he wouldn't let me know that he is ok atleast. 

I hope to hear from him and in the same breath i dread the state he will return home in.

Sitting with my kids and im completely absent. Breaks my heart that im unable to give them anything because my head is clogged with stress.

Ups and downs

Round and round

I guess