Learn from the Past

Goal

To gain insight about personal areas for growth

One of the most difficult but rewarding aspects of getting over a break up is learning more about yourself. This can be difficult, as it is easy to move from self-discovery to self-blame. Wait until you are feeling less vulnerable to begin dissecting your relationship and identifying areas for personal growth. You may have lost a relationship, but you have the opportunity to gain insights that may help your future relationships.

One way to begin to identify areas for growth is to keep a thought record. This is different from a regular journal, where you simply record your thoughts and emotions. A thought record involves recording any negative thoughts that come up and the feelings that come with those thoughts. Then, you can identify a positive, alternative thought. You record these thoughts and alternative thoughts as a way to help you notice negative thought patterns and change them. This can help you gain insight into your situation, as well as cope with negative thoughts.

Thought Record Exercise

Instructions: Completing a thought record will help you to identify situations that tend to make you feel worse, to identify automatic thoughts that keep coming up, and to find alternative thoughts that help you. Use the table on the next page to construct alternative thoughts to various situations. Complete the exercise daily for the next week or two. Identify your automatic thought and emotion about a situation and ask yourself what else you could say instead of your original thought. Here’s a sample thought record:

Situation	Automatic Thought	Emotion	Alternative Thought
Walked past the store where my ex works	“I’ll never get over him”	Hopelessness	“I’m sad now, but I’ve been through bad situations before and got over it”
Found out that my ex-fiancée is engaged	“I guess I wasn’t good enough for her.”	Sad	“I did some things right and some things wrong, and so did she.”

Tip: Keep in mind that a good alternative thought makes you consider the “bright side” of the situation, changes the way you think about yourself, and is kind and compassionate (not harsh or condemning).

Situation	Automatic Thought	Emotion	Alternative Thought

Next Step

Watch the following video for more information on automatic thoughts. It doesn’t focus on dealing with break ups, but still presents a helpful, humorous look at how to notice and change negative automatic thoughts:

Learn from the Past

Goal