My mom is Puer aeternus and I am too
I watched a lecture about Puer aeternus, a 'forever child' who dreams big but refuses to grow up to get there. Someone who wants to be extraordinary and never ordinary. Don't want to do work like the 'normies'. Doesn't want to do the boring stuff. Always waiting for their debut.
I am estranged towards my family and disillusioned for years, I never understood why until now.
I am a child of a puer aeternus. My mom.
She wants to be something, she wants to do more. More than gucchi or balenciaga. She doesn't want the little jobs, she wants the job. She admitted to me one day that people are beneath her and that she deserves better. But she still seeks constant validation, plays dumb so others will step in and do things for her.
Chasing fame kept her from doing the unglamorous work of being a stable parent. Our family is scattered across the country. Living together feels more like cohabiting with strangers. I don’t know what love in a family even means. That absence depresses me.
What's terrifying is that I can see her in myself.
I hate the kind of person I’ve become: the kind that shifts blame, makes excuses, deflects everything. I used to say, "Well, I was never taught me how to do this or that.” But I’m tired of that script.
I’ve already started changing. Slowly. But seriously.
I have to.
I don't want to be like her. I have to become my own role model. I can't keep blaming my mental health or circumstances for everything or else I'll be just like her in my 50s.
My transition into adulthood was tragic. I kept waiting for someone to rescue me, walk me through it. But growing up means doing the hard, dull, painful things. It means biting the bullet and showing up anyway.
I chased meaning for years, and it made me passive. That’s why I’m stuck. I waited for purpose instead of building it.
Now, I need to start with work. Routine. Effort.
And maybe, if I stick with it, meaning will come later.
@Smile4mepls
It sounds like you are looking within very courageously. That you understand the family pattern, and how it's affected you, means that you are well on your way towards breaking those patterns.
Actually, your mom sounds like both of my parents. They grew up during the depression era, but they were privileged and spoiled. Therefore, they were childish adults with unreasonable expectations. They also felt like most jobs were beneath them. As a result, we faced eviction repeatedly, often didn't have decent food to eat, clothes to wear, etc.
Because my parents were so nonfunctional, I became resourceful and independent at an early age. I figured out that regardless of the job, from cleaning toilets to brain surgery, if it's done with integrity, it's an honorable profession. I also learned that if I did at least a little bit more than what was expected of me, I would advance relatively quickly in most companies.
I've worked a lot of jobs, many of them very hard, boring, and often dangerous. It was at one of the worst jobs I've ever had, that I figured out how to see a bit of humor in it, have a tiny bit of fun, and accept my current situation. I'm not sure if it was some kind of synchronicity that repeated, but it always seemed that after I had conquered my sense of suffering, in a lousy job, something better would come along. When I persisted in emotional resistance to a lousy job, it felt like I was trapped in it forever.
Regarding meaning, it's actually a choice. It can also be very context specific. For example, doing a really good job of cleaning house can be profoundly meaningful, and positively affect other areas of your life. Other meanings can be how you helped someone, or set a good example. Washing a bunch of dishes cheerfully can provide evidence of a profoundly beautiful spirit.
Purpose is also a choice, and you are free to select a different purpose every day, or figure out how several purposes can integrate into a larger purpose. To me, it's like finding pieces of a puzzle and figuring out how they fit. I also feel that there is an overarching purpose-the reason all of existence exists, and that is to share love. I think it's the only purpose that justifies our struggles.
@Spiritriver
Thank you for taking the time to reply, and sorry for the very late response, some things came up and I had to step away.
Your situation is actually something I want to work toward. I’ve been trying to find meaning in small things, but I keep realizing how resentful I feel toward people who chase the easy route and avoid real change.
For me, finding purpose in something like washing dishes makes me feel... ashamed. My parents always talked about “doing greater things,” so small acts feel like failure instead of meaning.
I’m kind of fresh out of love right now. Out of care. Out of purpose.
But I want to keep trying.
Because I don’t want to end up like them.
Hearing your side gives me hope that people are allowed to think like that. And I thank you for reminding me.