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Smile4mepls
2 1,111 M Little Steps 3
PathStep 14 Compassion hearts107 Forum posts39 Forum upvotes59 Current upvotes59 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2025 Member sinceFebruary 11, 2018
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Do I even want help?
Depression Support / by Smile4mepls
Last post
 August 11th, 2025
...See more I'm convinced that if I lose a concerning amount of weight, all my lies about "I'm fine" wouldn't work. There would be no reason to believe me and someone would actually try to step in.But then I realize how pathetic that is that I need to do that to myself instead of just going up to someone and asking for help. But then I think about the help I've already received and ask myself "when is it enough?" When am I enough for me?
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An asexual (or just traumatized) still coping from an incident that happened months ago
Relationship Stress / by Smile4mepls
Last post
 September 29th, 2025
...See more My boyfriend broke my trust during sex one time. But I can't tell if I spurred it on because of my terrible communication skills, the mixed signals I give, or just the heat of the moment. I keep telling myself he wouldn't do anything out of pure malice, that his actions were just bad calls. He's trying his best to be with someone like me. And still, whenever I think about that day, it breaks something in me. The heartbreak of taking another contraceptive pill (I've taken at least four, all for the same person) just shattered me. I was already apprehensive about sex. Now I’m completely turned off by it. I bury myself in porn. But I still force myself to be okay with having sex, because I keep telling myself I can't cling to the past. That I need to move on. That I shouldn't add more to my mental health plate. We've already talked about it. He apologized. It’s done and over with. So I should be okay with sex now. Right? Because I have to be. We're going to be living together soon. I need to be okay with sex. We did have sex when we went on vacation. I remember enjoying it after the incident. But since then, nothing. I know it's because of me. On that trip, I felt more obligated to have sex with him, because we were sharing a hotel and a bed. That felt like a given. But now that we’re back in our own separate homes and lives, I dread the question, “So, what do you want to do?” It doesn’t always mean sex, but I can feel the hopefulness in it. And because I haven’t mentioned that day again because I’m still having sex with him it must not be a big deal, right? Why do I constantly downplay myself? Oh. Because no one has ever really cared. And it’s embarrassing to be the only one who does. So now, when people do care, I recoil. I cringe. I laugh at them and tell them to relax. I think about self-harming. I wish I could drink these thoughts away. Or escape so hard into video games and porn that I forget I even have emotions. I feel like I’ve been dissociating for years. It’s worse now. I don’t even know who I am half the time. And neither do my parts. This is what I mean when I say I’m tired. Tired of living this way. Tired of fighting internal battles. Tired of mourning for change that never comes. I think I’ve just gotten too comfortable being miserable. I wish everyone would leave me alone. Then again, I’m taking the time to write this and proofread it. That must mean I don’t actually want to be alone. Right? A cry for help before the apathy really sets in.  But I've been crying for so long. What's the point when I keep pushing people away?
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My mom's Zodaic obession
Anxiety Support / by Smile4mepls
Last post
 August 1st, 2025
...See more My birthday was earlier this year, and my sister asked me how it feels to be "old" now. I told her I’ve felt that way since I was 16. My mom gave me a birthday gift, of course, it was Zodiac-coded. It was nice, but she mentioned that Cancers (my sign) usually feel older than they are, as if that validated her belief. But the truth is, I feel older because I had to grow up fast and take care of myself. Prolonged neglect in every area. I grew up mentally before my body even caught up. What really bothers me is how she’d rather rely on what GPT says about Cancers than actually get to know me like my values, my likes, my compassion. Me. I hate how much she leans on Zodiac signs, how she blames things on the moon instead of people’s actions. It just makes me want to cut more people off, even if they don't deserve it.
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My Depression is ruining my relationship
Depression Support / by Smile4mepls
Last post
 July 29th, 2025
...See more I've been buried in escapism that I've lost track of time. Real world news feels like gaming patch notes. Relationships are all fleeting.  I'm at a point where I'd rather be faded than have a conversation. But, I keep going up and down to being his best friend to be a distant coworker. I'm doing this towards the person that I love. The one I want to spend the rest of my life with.  It's terrible. I'm terrible. Because I've been telling myself that I'm going to change. That if I put in more effort, I'll be a better me. But I still feel the same. I am the same. People don't change. Their minds do. And I feel like I keep changing my mind between healing and self-destruction.
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My mom is Puer aeternus and I am too
20 & Over / by Smile4mepls
Last post
 July 26th, 2025
...See more I watched a lecture about Puer aeternus, a 'forever child' who dreams big but refuses to grow up to get there. Someone who wants to be extraordinary and never ordinary. Don't want to do work like the 'normies'. Doesn't want to do the boring stuff. Always waiting for their debut. I am estranged towards my family and disillusioned for years, I never understood why until now.  I am a child of a puer aeternus. My mom. She wants to be something, she wants to do more. More than gucchi or balenciaga. She doesn't want the little jobs, she wants the job. She admitted to me one day that people are beneath her and that she deserves better.  But she still seeks constant validation, plays dumb so others will step in and do things for her. Chasing fame kept her from doing the unglamorous work of being a stable parent. Our family is scattered across the country. Living together feels more like cohabiting with strangers. I don’t know what love in a family even means. That absence depresses me. What's terrifying is that I can see her in myself. I hate the kind of person I’ve become: the kind that shifts blame, makes excuses, deflects everything. I used to say, "Well, I was never taught me how to do this or that.” But I’m tired of that script. I’ve already started changing. Slowly. But seriously. I have to. I don't want to be like her. I have to become my own role model. I can't keep blaming my mental health or circumstances for everything or else I'll be just like her in my 50s. My transition into adulthood was tragic. I kept waiting for someone to rescue me, walk me through it. But growing up means doing the hard, dull, painful things. It means biting the bullet and showing up anyway. I chased meaning for years, and it made me passive. That’s why I’m stuck. I waited for purpose instead of building it.  Now, I need to start with work. Routine. Effort. And maybe, if I stick with it, meaning will come later.
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Post Postive Comments on Videos
Motivation & Accountability / by Smile4mepls
Last post
 July 6th, 2025
...See more I usually don't comment on videos, even if I like them. Even if I want to say something. So, I'm making the effort to say something nice. I like watching dance covers, so I make sure to show my appreciation for their hard work. I posted 3 comments on separate ones so far. I think I'll make it a daily thing. Maybe it'll help me see the positive things first and teach me better compassion to myself.
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Love runs out
Depression Support / by Smile4mepls
Last post
 December 18th, 2025
...See more Dad flipped the chili bowl when I told him I wanted to gameend myself when I was younger. This was years ago, when I lived with him. I think he was just fed up. He’d been trying to help, but I kept saying things like that despite seeming normal. I don’t even know why I said it. That was a bad day. I left and walked to my aunt’s house. Dad found out, showed up angry. Said I was playing the victim. That he hadn’t done anything to deserve this. He wasn’t wrong. He was trying. I just couldn’t meet him halfway. And that haunts me. Now I’m scared to open up to my boyfriend. Even if he's repeatedly told me other wise--I'm practically repeating that day if I keep going like this. But, if I explain myself, it sounds like I’m making excuses. If I don’t, it’s like I’m shutting him out. I remember a few days afterwards, Dad was notably uncaring. Detached. Which is fair. I've done a lot so, I deserved it. Still, it hurts. 
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"Victims are the most dangerous people"
Trauma Support / by Smile4mepls
Last post
 July 5th, 2025
...See more I don’t really know where to post this, and I hope this doesn’t get me in trouble, but something my dad said has been stuck in my head, and it’s really messing with me. He is convinced that my mom ruined our family (or at least made it the dysfunctional mess it is now), and those that mental illness as an excuse instead of getting help dangerous. It was within the context of my brother-in-law having an episode where he anonymously cursed out my dad before apologizing and blaming it on his biplor. Those that are unchecked end up hurting anyone in their vicinity. And that makes them bad people... Since then, I've been spiraling. I haven't brought it up to my partner. Tbh, I’m scared to bring up anything heavy about my mental health, especially after our last talk. I don’t want to run out his patience. But this phrase keeps looping in my head: What if I never get better? What if I keep flipping between being a loving friend and a cold stranger? What if I drive my partner insane and he stops loving me? What if the obsession to being the  perfect gf" makes things worse? Am I a bomb waiting to happen? A giant flag red?  On top of that, dad years ago told me that people who journal end up being serial killers. If I journal, or ruminate too much, will I turn into a monster? But then, even thinking that way might mean I will end up hurting my loved ones. Because if you think it, that means it's true. My brain is rot. I've been trying to push behind this. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to be evil. It leaves me in paralysis because I don't know what I do will be a step closer to being dangerous. Maybe I already am.
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