I think I might've lost myself?
I don't know if this is fine to share out there. I personally think it might be destructive but it might also be...okay? Please be warned to not actually attempt anything written here.
About 4 years ago, I was in a very bad state, after I got my first panic attack. I can't live a day without anxiety and worse, I don't even know what makes me anxious. My brain just decided to be scared. It also doesn't help that I'm sensitive to other's emotions so being near anybody is like torture at the time. I went to counselling and able to manage it quite well (enough to function at least), but it never truly went away.
Jumping about 1.5 years later, still having massive anxiety and depressive problems, alone in my house, I got an idea that comes out of nowhere.
"I won't be scared of anything if I don't expect anything, right?"
And I tried it out. By removing myself of any sort of expectations, none at all. Then I felt...free, and ironically, scared. I lost practically all expectations but also lost hope, dreams, motivation, and.... will to live. Its just a moment before I came back to my senses and got scared of it. But that small moment define my life after that.
I start to be...happier? Without a single care of the world, I felt free. I started not caring what others think of me, are not scared of....a lot of things. From that point on, death becomes...just something that happen. As much as I feel free, I also become less caring on the state of others. I'm still sensitive to it and I can still easily find out what the other person is feeling, but I just....don't care?
Since then, I have a lot of time for myself (as I don't care if I'm alone or not) and discovered a lot. I got to a point that I can give a bit of love to myself and be a bit more confident with my values.
As of now, I'm fine (with some relapse of anxiety sometimes) and managing quite well but it makes me wonder, did I lose myself? Should I have done that?
Those who read till the end, thank you very much. Do let me know what you think of this and feel free to ask if you have questions. Please feel free to be harsh, soft, kind, however you want to express yourself, all are welcomed. Or ignore this entirely, that works too 😆
@modestNectarine3752
Hi! Letting go of expectations helped you manage anxiety but left you feeling disconnected from emotions and others. It's natural to wonder if this approach caused you to lose a part of yourself. While it's brought some relief, it's important to find a balance between protecting yourself and staying connected to your hopes and emotions. It might be worth discussing this with a therapist to explore these feelings further. You're doing well managing things, but professional guidance could help you navigate this balance more effectively.