Relationship Issues Throughout Life
Hey everyone, I've been feeling pretty down lately so instead of dwelling on it I decided to reach out and make a post. I'm looking for anything really; advice, encouraging words, relatable experiences. I'd like to hear some feedback and thoughts!
It's a bit difficult to know where to start, so I'll give a little backstory haha I grew up in a very VERY small town (13 people), and my earliest memories hold a lot of isolation and loneliness. So It was never easy making friends, let alone meeting someone for a potential relationship.
I'm 26m now, holding a good job and plenty of great friends who I can talk to, but they've all been in relationships consistently and can't quite understand my problem.
I've gained some pretty heavy trust issues over the years of trying to find someone. It takes me a long time to build up my comfort level, and I carry a lot of shame surrounding my limited experience; especially with sex, and the ways I've coped with it. Somedays I feel okay and hopeful, but the majority of the time I struggle with a wide range of self depreciating thoughts. I feel like I've been so crippled in my ability to connect with people from my upbringing and only dug myself deeper with habits. I hold an underlying feeling that I've broken myself to the point where there's no one who wouldn't run once they got to know me. I wouldn't blame them, I hold a lot of baggage I've been trying to fix by myself because in the past I've tended to show too much of it hoping for something comforting, but that's a lot of pressure to put on someone else.
I believe I'm either anxious attachment or fearful avoidant. So I've been trying to do work within that frame, I notice a lot of patterns and rooted thoughts, but it's difficult to have changes take affect haha
I'm not sure what the next step for me is other than just trying to block it out and live through it. I'd like to be the best partner i can for a future relationship, is there any advice that could help me reach this?
@Sakul
Hello, from your post, you sound like a thoughtful, kind person who is struggling with a lot of self doubt. It sounds like you are turning your pain inward and beating yourself up for some of the struggles you have had in life. You fear that if others see all of your pain and need, they will reject you. Does that sound right?
I can tell you, from first hand experience, that feeling unlovable and having low self esteem doesn't make you unlovable. It can make relationships more complex because you have to balance keeping your partner informed about how you are feeling without overwhelming them - but it is doable, especially if you seek outside support for your challenges.
Finding a partner.. it sounds like you feel like your childhood in a very small town left you with some deep scars, but you are clearly a sensitive thoughtful person who is asking "what can I do to make things better?" rather than lashing out at others. You would do well with someone similar. Not necessarily someone who also grew up in a tiny village, but someone who grew up feeling isolated. Maybe their parents were very strict and they couldn't have friends over. Maybe they were like me - the only immigrant family in a town where everyone else had lived there for generations. I know it's frustrating but don't give up, people like that are out there.