Attempting to survive
I don’t feel happy anymore. My wife and I have a 20 month old son. We both love our son a lot. I love my wife. However, I sometimes wonder if I’m still in love with her. That is a very difficult thing to say. We get so caught up in the daily grind that we haven’t had much time for us. I’ve hinted at doing things together. However, she never feels comfortable leaving our son for too long. I feel like since our son was born, I’ve been put on the back burner. This is understandable. I know I come second to our son. However, over the last two years I’ve picked things up so she could get professional certifications and promotions. I support her in advancing her career as I think it is very important. However, I do think it has hurt our relationship. I think we need to work on us. However, I wonder if it is too late. I know we will never be what we were 10 years ago when we met. However, I do believe we can still be a great version of ourselves. I honestly never wanted to send my life with anyone else. I just wonder if our careers and the daily grind will separate us.
@Want2Grow Well, maybe it’s not helpful to think of this situation as “too late” to address. I’ll offer a book that might help with negotiating your needs with your partner. This might be something you read yourself rather than something like a more traditional “couples therapy” workbook. It has resurrected two of my relationships that were shattered with zero hope of repair. Yours sounds like it’s on much more solid footing. The payoff of working with this book besides addressing the pain points is that you may actually enhance your relationship to a level you might not have thought possible. Dr David Burns, “Feeling Good Together.”
Thank you for suggesting the book. I will definitely give it a read.
Hi @Want2Grow, sending love and light your way✨ Kindly allow me to be your soundingboard and I hope this will help:
1. You don't feel happy anymore.
2. You have a 20 month old son that you both love a lot!
3. You love your wife BUT you wonder if you are still in love with her a times.
4. You feel bad for wondering whether you still love her.
5. You are BOTH caught up in your daily grind/career that you barely have time for each other.
6. You've HINTED at doing things together. Question is why hint? Rather than coming out outright and organize for something that will require both of your participation?
7. She never feels comfortable leaving our son for too long. Have you explored the reason why? Could it be that she is not comfortable leaving him with a stranger? Is it possible to get a family member to baby sit? Or a close friend? Try meet her in the middle. Help her feel comfortable. Whatever it takes.
8. You feel you are second to your son. Have you expressed this to her? A marriage counselor once told us that in marriage the woman will evolve from being your girlfriend, to being your wife and lastly to being a mother. All these versions are unique and they come with different challenges. Once you accept that this is the season she's in, try and accord her some grace whilst at the same time express your feelings. This is not easy, but if you are coming from a point of acceptance, it's much easier to deliver. "I understand the season you are in, I appreciate the immense love and nurturing care you have for our son, but I feel left out etc." You will be surprised that you don't come second to your son. Rather, there things she is doing out of motherly instincts that make you feel that way and as soon as you mention it, she'll make a concience effort to make you feel wanted, loved and appreciated.
9. You have helped her advance in her career because you feel it is important to her.
10. You feel her career is hurting your relationship.
11. You feel you need to work on your marriage. Do it. Don't wait for someone else's validation. If you feel that way, do it.
12. You acknowledge that you will never be the way you used to be ten years ago. That's true. People change. People evolve. But the love between you two should be strong enough to conquer the test of time. Remember what brought you together. The things that you shared in common. The things that made your heart feel warm. Your girlfriend is still in there somewhere. Her love language is still the same. Celebrate the changes in her, embrace the growth and do the things that spark joy for both of you. You'll be surprised that buying her her favourite chocolate or flowers will make her glow right up!
13. You believe you can still be a great version of yourselves. Yes you CAN!
14. YOU NEVER WANT TO SPEND YOUR LIFE WITH ANYONE. I hear you loud and CLEAR!
15. You wonder if your careers and daily grind will seperate you. You already have the answer to this. Follow your instincts. Going by your words, you love your wife, you want to spend your life with her. So why not🤷 I'm rooting for you two. Hugs 🤗
@goldenWatermelon1384 thank you for your reply. She has expressed that she doesn’t feel connected with me as much as the past. I believe we still love each other. I am hopeful we can figure things out. I believe that we can. It just might take counseling this time around.
@Want2Grow I do hope you guys find yourself back to each other! I am hopeful as well in my own situation and is struggling to believe at times if it is "too late". But I do try to think that it is never too late to try. Keep trying and be honest and open with each other.
try opening up to your wife maybe she doesn’t see that’s she’s doing something wrong and it does seem like you’re still in love with her you two just don’t spend as much time together so maybe when you both have time together just do something don’t say what you’re going to do like a surprise you know it’s never too late to fix anything unless you stop trying
Thank you for the advice.
@Want2Grow
Balancing modern life is very difficult. Our society is very fast paced and some of the most important values in our society and our lives become lost. You and your wife just need help to look at what is really happening in your lives and change the things that are not working. A therapist or a relationship counselor can help you begin to make better decisions and see what are the problems that are keeping you both from having a happier life. If you and your wife will do this, your lives may begin to have the happiness you both need and want.
Thank you @Lifehelper for the advice. I think we might need to see a counselor. She holds onto things from years ago that I’ve done and occasionally brings them up. Even though, I have learned from them. I understand those things I did hurt her. However, continuously bringing them up makes me feel like she see me as that same person. Outside of counseling, I’m not sure what to do at this point. If I talk to her directly, she’ll make me feel bad for making her feel like a bad person. It honestly makes me not what to share how feel.
@Want2Grow
I am sorry you are feeling left behind in your current situation. Having been together for years, balancing daily life, looking after your child, pursuing careers, and so on - it is a big challenge.
I believe any concern in a relationship is valid. Having a child naturally take a lot of focus and attention, and making space for that is also natural. At the same time, you express that you wish to feel more connected to
your partner. To feel like you belong, and that there is a special place just for you. Feeling validated and heard is so important in life. Especially in commited relationships, when the relationship can feel empty and strained without it.
You are very presise in describing your concerns and hopes for your future. I wish you the best in working towards a satisfactory solution. You have taken a great step already.
Very best wishes.
I think you are a couple love each other, but there are things you need talk deeply.
@Want2Grow
hello ,
Loving someone but questioning if YOU are still IN LOVE with her is different.
look around you there’s alot of relationships not working out.
it takes more than just love for a relationship to be able to work out till the end of life.
relax and appreciate what you have. Don’t push her away. Why did you give her baby after 8 yrs ? Maybe there’s alot going on for her too, her career and baby and then you probably complaining.
