Marriage

You don't have to. It's your choice, but you don't have to feel forced to deal with his bad traits if you don't want to.

It really sounds like you really have a hard time dealing with these things, so the question is: why do you feel forced to settle for something you already know is not good for you? How these things affect you? Would it be worth accepting them just to stay in this relationship?

You are the only one who can answer. If you need to talk with someone you can connect with a listener at any time.

@angel202137 It sounds like you are feeling frustrated with what your husband is doing and he is asking you to “just let it slide.” You might sense that it might not be possible to just live with it, but you might be willing to if you could, right?

Hi @angel202137, I agree with what @Lifeonmars787 said.

Don’t feel forced to stay with someone who’s traits you find less than desirable.

I’ve experienced the same thing with my alcoholic ex/son’s father. Though…the difference was my ex was also physically, verbally, and financially abusive…I used to “tolerate” his bad vices, until I couldn’t anymore…because it affected me [he gets physically & verbally abusive while drunk, also stole my debit card to get more alcohol, so financially abusive too].

I’ve also been seeing someone casually for about 6mo now, a friend of my brothers. He’s hilarious, educated, supportive, and thoughtful. However, he has some vices that are…something I’m not fond of. One being his tardiness and another being…him taking some hard stuff. He’s gotten better about the tardiness, somewhat. He’s usually doing something considerate[ex. Buying groceries to make us dinner] or just getting ready [he LOVES dressing up and getting ready], which is why he’s late…He’s also easily distracted, so I call him and he apologizes profusely. He wants to get treated for ADHD to see if that helps. As for taking hard stuff, I don’t like it…he mentioned he wants to quit, but until he does for at least a 6+months, I’m not going to make the relationship serious… We’re starting slow, we’re just “friends”[or rather, “cuddle buddies” Lol] until we learn more about each other, since we both got out of abusive relationships.

If it doesn’t work out, there’s always more fish in the sea!

There’s only a few ways this situation goes:

a) He either quits doing bad vices and you stay together.

b) He doesn’t quit bad vices, but you “tolerate” it with resentment towards him. [I felt this when I was with my ex…]

or…c) He doesn’t quit doing bad vices, and you leave to find someone that’s a better match.

Do what you feel is best in your heart, friend.

We’re here for you! :)

Since we’re talking marriage, that suggest a more serious committed relationship. So, I can understand the desire to make things work. There are many ways to make things work, some of which require time and work to identify. My main point is, you have to weigh what makes you happy (real happy) and what serves you. It’s too difficult for me to see the positives and negatives of your situation, but I know you can. So, I suggest deeply considering what those specific pros and cons are. Making an actual written list can be helpful to the process. What you want to identify is 1. What are the pros and cons, and then 2. How mutable (changeable) those potentially are. 3. What is the cost or effort required for those changes to occur. If you separate out the pieces, and weigh them independently of each other, it can help your heart and mind understand what the real issues are versus the superficial ones. Our emotions tend to combine every part of our experience together which can be too much to sort at once. Try to avoid all or nothing kind of thinking, because it rarely brings happiness. Think of it more as an incremental process which is either evolving or bringing inertia. If you’re stuck and nothing is changing over time, that could indicate the relationship is holding you (or him) back from growth. Ultimately, I suggest that you focus on what is good for you and him and what is growing you versus what is lessening you. Sometimes love means letting go. Personally, I live with an addictive personality mate. I have watched him choose to grow, even though he has said he wouldn’t. So, I also recommend focusing on the actions and feelings over just words. For us, I tried to ask him to focus on one piece at a time. And with every progress, it seemed a different problem showed up. He quit using and drinking became an issue, he quit drinking (mostly) and gambling became an issue. It felt never ending. Today, he is clean and clear and has a successful business and renewed relationships with family. I’m very proud of him. But it was hard and it will continue to be a journey. I have learned to try not to make decisions in the moment, but to exercise patience until I feel clear. These are heavy decisions. I know you are strong enough to face them. I wish you the best with this tough challenge.

Do you feel like it’s more of a financial issue for you both, or an emotional issue seeing his health decline? There are beat different strategies to cope with each.