Marital trouble seeking advice
There's a lot to unpack hear, but long story short, my question is, is it possible for a sexless marriage to exist? One where, one partner is very open and honest about their needs (which are very reasonable by most standards) and the other wants absolutely nothing to do with anything sexual (due to a mental/sexual related trauma)... by nothing, I mean not even a kiss on the lips. There was no sign of this trauma during our dating, and maybe only a handful of issues during engagement. Because of our beliefs, we didn't want to separate... but it's been 8 years of marriage with a 1 and 3 year old and I feel I've had enough. We're in our 30's and trying counseling for the second time... but I'm not sure it's even worth it. We do care for each other and of course love the kids, but zero intimacy is becoming unbearable... ) ;
A sexless marriage is possible and tolerable when both people have the same values and priorities. When both people have the same focuses that don't include intimacy it can be a happy relationship. If both are happy without it then it's okay. If one person is unhappy with or without it then it is a problem for both.
🙏
i feel that any type of agreed upon arrangement is possible for any healthy relationship. The keywords in the previous statement are agreed upon and healthy. Granted, any type of arrangement takes work and upkeep to prevent problems. Communication is always very helpful. Couples counseling can be very helpful in so many ways; as is individual counseling. The key with counseling is having the right type of counseling. I’ve know a couple where there was sexual intimacy blockages so they went to regular couples counseling/therapy and didn’t have a lot of success so they later went to a psychotherapist who specialized in sexual trauma and they went as a couple but also as individuals separately. The wife told me that the second go around with the psychotherapist was the most helpful for them because they were able to address really deep issues…. I thinks she said they went to those sessions for over a year but they are doing really good now and it’s been several years since.
Sorry to hear it....me I'm just now 50 and she decided she doesn't want me anymore so ....but I can't guess your issue..I'm just lost 27 years gone!
@purpleOwl6952
Thirties seems pretty young to give up the wonderful joy of love making. Why deny such a beautiful expression…. I hope to express it for as long as I can!!! Anyway, I’m sorry that you’re faced with this. I suspect the answer is clearer than you think. If you live to be 100 you’ve got about 70 or so years left. That’s a looooooooong time to go without such a natural joy of sharing with another. Best of luck to you with this journey. Hope it leads you to the intimacy you crave and deserve.
I’m in the same boat!!! Thought maybe I was the only one with this problem. I feel if a married couple is on the opposite sides of the spectrum, when it comes to sex, then no, marriage won’t last. Theres more of a loss for me than just sex. I dont feel loved or desired. I get pushed off every time I make an advance or show interest. If I ask, I get told no. If I try talking about it, I’m ignored. It’s very hurtful!! Marriages take work and compromise. If one fails to do their part, then everything will fall apart.
I can understand a mental health issue due to trauma, but it’s not fair to you. Hopefully this can be turned around with counseling or therapy. I can’t shake the feeling that maybe your partner didn’t fully disclose the damage, caused by this trauma.
So meanwhile I’m pulling my hair out. I feel like my marriage and life are over. I tried working it out, but she’s not holding up her end. I brought up divorce, and I’m serious about it. I can’t live the rest of my life as a married involuntary celibate. Not fair to me.
@TK3578
so….I dated someone for about 4 years and for religious reasons they didn’t want to “do” it till marriage….we got married and I soon realized they still didn’t want to do it. I left within 7 months. There is something cruel about denying something otherwise so natural. And I made up for lost time, btw….no regrets, zero. Good luck. I don’t think what you’re expressing is wrong whatsoever. It’s important!
To keep the romance going after marriage is a different skill
some are good in that
main issue is the different personality type
then an open discussion where both can come to a fair understanding and agreement
need to find how we can love each other more
what is something that the other person is concerned or not liking
is there anything hidden which is causing the gap
once we are married give your best to work it out
its not easy i know as i am going through similar
@purpleOwl6952
Hi Purple,
I am sorry you are experiencing problems i your marriage. I think at some point everyone does ( I did through my 17 years ) please know we are here for you.
I remembered a link I read and would like to pass it on maybe it can give you some help. If not I am always here to chat.
Link: https://tinyurl.com/352a734n
Hi purple owl ,
im sorry you feel this way. I know it’s been 3 months since you posted, but wanted to check on you.
being married and no kissing or being intimate .
And managed to give you a 1 yr old and a 3 yr old . ?
i think there’s something else going on in this 8 yrs of marriage.
@purpleOwl6952 yes
