"Why Do Meaningful Connections Require So Much Guesswork?"

@BeingHuman90s Most of us avoid being there and face the reality. We get hurt because of not being clear

@BeingHuman90s

Your post really hits home for me! Guesswork is exhausting and calling clarity a luxury instead of a basic courtesy is perfect wording. 

Thankfully I have not experienced so much of this in non-romantic relationships. At least not to the same extent. Admittedly, I find myself guilty of this phenomenon occasionally. My theory is that it is done out of politeness and the tendency to people-please. 

We may want to avoid the discomfort without realizing that while directness may bring about a temporary discomfort, the discomfort that comes with guesswork (whether we are on the giving or receiving end) is much much longer and much worse to deal with when we let it go on for too long. 

Like breaking any cycle, it takes small steps that eventually create a new healthier pattern to replace the old and less desired one. It seems to be on a case by case basis too. In a new relationship whether that be romantic, platonic, work related etc, it may take us a bit of time to move away from programmed social politeness. Though who says directness isn't polite? It seems to be a delicate balance that might shift depending on who we're interacting with. So it may take some time and grace to find that sweet spot where both parties feel at ease. 

@BeingHuman90s

I agree so much, communication, directness and transparency are key for me 🥰💜

@BeingHuman90s

Thank you for this post, it hits exactly what I am experiencing right now. It's the younger generation and the emergence and use of technology. Sure we are more connected via tech but less socially. 

@BeingHuman90s you just came in right when I needed to say this out loud. My boyfriend hasn't texted (for like three days) , he just said "tired, sleeping" and then woosh, gone. While I know we're exhausted and need sometime alone. But a basic text stating what's up and how long will I be gone would be enough for me. 

Because his behaviour is extremely cold I'm questioning myself that what have I done wrong or what's wrong now. 

And if I do question directly, I get labeled as being an interrogator. 

I don't know man, just say what's wrong, it might as be less painful than guessing and getting crazy all day

I've encountered a lot of fakeness, as though someone is projecting who they want to be instead of who they actually are.

I just try to read inbetween the lines and throw out some tests to see if they are genuine, some say they like directness, yet they do an awful lot of waffling and side step questions.

I guess I look for consistencies, are they reliable? Are they doing what they promise? Do I feel they are approachable? Am I the only one making an effort or is it both of us?

@BeingHuman90s I was literally thinking this 2 days ago, are you reading my mind?? Jokes..but on a serious note good question!

Emotional maturity is something that's been missing in those who prefer transactional relationship where they strictly stick to what they need and zero your emotions even when you open up. I experienced such dynamic recently in a work project, unaware of that because I never faced it before. It starts with warmth and seems like caring in the start but the underlying reason will be realised slowly and sometimes it will be too late by the time you realise. That is the most painful spot and I'm in that right now

I am also wondering why people avoid directness, being straight forward. I think they are great you go to the point.

I’m coming at it from a different perspective, but I am someone who struggled socially and a lot of that had to do with not understanding social context, tone of voice, body language and eye contact. Communicating indirectly seems to be beneficial if people want to maintain boundaries, keep things transactional, or test and feel out another person without diving in. It seems that work and family relationships come with expectations and standards for a role we’re seen fulfilling for the other person, and in friendships or romantic relationships people are often unbalanced, with one person feeling more invested in seeking caring or attention from the other. In my work with adolescents on the past, another colleague one complained that they were seen as “too severe” or “too nice”. I could see it in them instantly, they just had that people pleasing quality and perhaps they had to become over aggressive to break out of it. I have a harder time seeing in myself these qualities, but I do accept that I am passive aggressive. I think people do really want to keep their boundaries, and it’s difficult to not take that personally and to not feel humiliated by biding for social connection with someone who doesn’t seem to have the decency to communicate clearly. I find that so hard to forgive, but that’s because social bids are more important to me because I myself have often backed out of things (with clear communication), and now have less social connections and want to do the work the rebuild those connections I can and make new ones. It’s a frustrating process. I think the main thing is the impatience, and wanting a quick fix. This is probably why some people fall in love so readily and so quickly, we want those desires to be met quickly and reciprocated quickly. But we lose sight of our social responsibilities and social or work life balance. Anyway, that’s quite rambling but hopefully some of it contributes. These are definitely good questions to contemplate, as well as the emotions and associations that they bring up in us.