Can one ever b ready?

20 years ago, i was a dumb married lonely and sad young girl. My life was choas even after the divorce, unstable, no trust, no consistancy, nothing that stuck, i went through trauma, abuse, addiction, making mad money to being homeless, ive been at the top and tasted the very bottem... but despite everything when i became a trapped bird in my marriage and a victim of my own foolish naivety, i bought Darrow.

A black cat how is now 20 years old from the human society.

Now a bit off track here but it is important to the story i promise.

Before darrow, when i was 15, i got Starla, a beautiful brindle pitbull, when i was 18 and moving i was moving to a province that required a 1million insurence policy to have my dog with me in that province. I did not want to rehome her for she had bondes to me but i could not being her, so, i left her with grandma after grandma alao "begged" to let her be there. I agreed, packed my things and moved to my new life and made sure to visit my dog, and i did

my divorce went sour and i moved back, i also had 3 jobs was in my 20s freshly divorced and a chaotic mess, and in an apartment thar i could not have dogs, and Starla had been living with grandma for years by that point so we tbought best to keep her there.

Work got busy and engulfed me and i trusted grandma.... or i thought i could, for story purloses imma keep this part short.. grandma likes to "show" her objects off and her kids and pets are objects. She took starla out and anotber dog attacked her.

Grandma (my mother) had put my first down, without consulti or telling me till two weeks AFTER

because i was working she wanted to "protect" me from it.... i was f$%@#ing 23!

So now that u know that back to Darrow.. the actual story

Before i moved back, when i was married, i was lonley sad and abused, so i bought Darrow.... that was 20ish years ago now....

Hes not doing to well now, and its almost time...i can tell... i know its coming, and im makimg danm sure imma be there.

I have helpes many family pets of my own and friends pass.... but Darrow is MINE... 20 years literally ONLY consistancy that was in my life..and i was t there for Starla and that wound has never really healed due to how it happened...

I am tereified of the after...the during....the grief...i am so freaking terrified of whats about to happened, i have been walking on razorblades of my own mind and emotions alrady due to things going on in my life....

I wont b ready.... can one ever b?

I just hope when it IS his time.... i can be strong enough for him for a single day

Its the least i owe to my friend of 20 years..... dosnt make it any eaiser.