Emotional Rollarcoaster

Normally I don't really like celebrating birthdays, I feel like its more of a social construct and obligation to make someone feel special on one day only, but if you really loved them then you would celebrate them most days in small ways.  The older i get, the more I see that buying presents/cards for someone feels more like an obligation because its "their" day, and in a year they won't even remember what you got them because it usually isn't a truly thought out gift, and the more your circle of acquaintances grow the more money you spend on a card that will get tossed in a corner, or a gift that is not what they really wanted anyways.  And if you are like me it feels like there is at least 1-3 bdays a month of someone you know, then obligations feelings kick in and its a mad scramble to get something because everyone else they know has. (I hope all that made sense) and Im not against it if that's what you like than you do you.  No judgement to each their own.

Well today is my birthday, and my emotions are all over the place about it today.  And I guess if I am being honest with myself, Im *** because my life is in shambles and I can't seem to get out of this ongoing rut in my life and its really starting to *** me off.  At 43, I have no job, my kids live with their dad,  I have a car that's been sitting in the driveway for a year because I jumped the gun on buying it and now cant drive it because it needs work to pass emissions to get a tag, I need dental work done, and no insurance, and the list goes on and on.  And I know im leaving in this season to learn some kind of *** lesson, I just wish I could see what that lesson is so I can move on.  

And to top it off, my narcissistic mother, who I have not spoken to in over 3 years, gives my daughter 50 bucks for my bday present.  First wtf, she has spent 100s of 1000s of dollars pulling my sister out of her mishaps over the years, and when I "fell off the pedestal" she wanted to have me arrested for kidnapping (long story, but it really didn't concern her and that's why we no longer talk) and she thinks 50 bucks is gonna make things just hunky dory.  Secondly, she is my mom, and the amount off obligation she put on me to help raise my nephews, was ridiculous, when she caused the mess in the first place, and her emotional abuse is never ending.  Anyways, that is another topic for another day.

Well I actually feel alot better now that most of it is off my chest.  I know Im all over the place but I needed to type it out before I lost my emotions again.  

Thank you for reading and letting me vent!