Grotesque

After putting off months of not going to the dentist due to lifelong depression, my mother projecting her death phobia onto me, (telling me about the horrors of the world, of life's unpredictability the fact that I can get harmed or die, trying to have me put off appointments because the world is and has been a terrible place since the beginning, etc...) and her also refusing to have someone come and watch her for the time needed during my appointment...

finally went today. Have a serious infection that requires antibiotics because it's rapidly spreading and the extraction of several teeth...next week.

Mom is making me feel like a burden again...well I am a burden to them all...as most people are burdens...That my healthcare needs aren't important (to me they're not. I only went because I can't end things until she's gone or I go first). (If I didn't take care of her, I wouldn't go at all and would let the infection continously spread without any intervention.

She tells me how she doesn't know if she can get someone to come sit with her, that her sons are busy, that she doesn't know if these appointments and visits can continue because everyone is busy and her children don't have the time, etc...

Hypocrisy because she definitely has no problem reaching out to someone and is very persistent about it when it comes to her appointments or the things she wants to do. She has no problem asking them to take her on a bank run, doctor's appointments or anything...

I am unsure how many teeth they're going to extract.. I already am fat, soon to be bald, ugly, broken disabled body, now I'm about to be toothless in some or all areas. . It's been nothing but a downward spiral ever since I've been in the womb...

I really hate life and existence.

I really do.