Hi
Hey, I really need to explain everything properly because things have become very heavy for me and I don’t want you to hear bits and pieces without understanding the full situation.
I’ve been in a relationship with someone who genuinely makes me feel calm, safe, and understood. She is 4 years older than me, divorced, and has children. As a person, she has been nothing but mature, loyal, and loving toward me. She has even rejected other men because she wanted to be serious about us. What I feel with her is not drama or infatuation — it feels stable and peaceful, like real adult love.
The problem is not the relationship itself, but my family’s reaction to it.
Some time ago, my mom found out and strongly opposed the relationship. The situation became extremely emotional. I felt pressured and emotionally manipulated into ending things because my mom was crying constantly, saying I was destroying the family and that she lived only for me. I love my parents deeply, so seeing her like that broke me, and I ended the relationship even though it hurt both of us badly.
During that time, I prayed a lot and asked God that if this relationship was truly meant for me, He should bring her back into my life. Eventually, we reconnected, and things became serious again. But when my family discovered that I was still in contact with her, everything exploded again.
My parents now believe I betrayed their trust. My mom has said extremely harsh things — that I ruined their mental peace, that the family is broken forever, that I am responsible for whatever happens to them emotionally from now on, and even told me to consider my girlfriend “dead.” She has also insulted my friends for not stopping me and believes anyone supporting me is a bad influence.
What makes this harder is that I genuinely love my parents. They sacrificed a lot for me growing up, and I know my mom emotionally depended on me a lot. I was basically her emotional support for years, and now she feels abandoned. Seeing them sad makes me feel intense guilt, like I have destroyed their happiness, even though I never wanted to hurt them.
At the same time, I’ve realized something important: even if this relationship didn’t exist, I’ve started struggling with my mom’s controlling behavior and expectations. It feels like she believes I owe my entire life and future decisions to her sacrifices. I feel torn between being a good son and being an adult who builds his own life.
Right now I feel stuck between two people I care about deeply — my parents and my girlfriend — and whichever direction I move, someone gets hurt. I’m trying to handle things calmly and respectfully, but emotionally I’m exhausted, scared, and confused about what the right path is.
I’m not asking anyone to take sides. I just needed someone to understand the full picture because I’ve been carrying this mostly alone. Honestly, I just need understanding, perspective, and maybe some emotional support while I figure things out.
@understandingRaspberries2159 that's really so hard and heavy to carry on your own. I do pray that God will help and guide you, so that peace be upon you.
@understandingRaspberries2159...I cannot really advise here. But in General if we disscus it. Emotional maturity is something I see some parents lack alot. U seem like a good adult who do acknowledge that this kind of control cannot always be there. And yes this is Right u r right. Now some parents don't understand the Boundaries and space of their own children. I believe we should still pursue what we think is right for us as an Individual they're hurt mainly because they think now our son is not ours. Or feel their own future is not safe anymore who'll take care of them. One can prove that wrong too by being a good Son/daughter to them. But respect of others comes from respecting yourself. So I believe we should respect what we want in order to understand and be more pure to everyone close to us. Because... it's only fair. If we're lively more happy with our life even if it means to temporary go beyond typical stereotypes, it eventually makes everyone around us happy too. And...learn a lesson or two as well.. best of luck💗 ihope u do know what u r getting yourself into. Being a father of someone else's kid something huge too. U r not just involved with a women there. U will be looked upon by kids as dad.im a listener u can reach out to disscus 💗
Your mom is an adult she needs to handle her own emotions. It is not your responsibility to help with her unreasonable requests or demands are more like it. Just know YOU did not ruin the family or others mental health. Once again people need to take responsibility for their feelings, emotions, reactions, and beliefs. What your mom did for you thru out the years should have been for her own pleasure NOT to expect anything in return for you. If it is peaceful, like real adult love you should be with the person and tell your mom she can still love you and you can love her with different beliefs. If not, your mom needs to change not you. I wish you the best in this situation. What a difficult place to be in. And to hear all that negativity can really hurt your mental health. Just take care of yourself and do what makes you thrive.
I'm so sorry that you've gone through this and the amount of pain it has brought.
It sounds like this could be enmeshment, and it might help talking to a therapist to confirm if it is.
Your mother should give your girlfriend a fair chance before judging her and making statementsclike you have ruined their emotional health sounds very controlling, manipulative and painful.
@understandingRaspberries2159 It is so wise to want the extra perspective in so emotional situation.
Having a happy, healthy relationship cannot be blamed for making "the family broken forever", can it? If the family is not comfortable about something specific in your relationship, then that might be it. A discomfort. They might be even scared. Are they in real danger? Or its in their heads? Could the biggest threat to your family be the unfairness and not your relationship?
What will happen if you do what they want now? Will the family live happily ever after or it will be broken with you being broken? There might be situations where the family has good reasons to warn a child about a relationship. The few years difference and children are a significant aspects to be serious about but not dangerous if you are responsible as you say (at least in my country culture). Not sure if that is it.
What if you persist? Will the anger last forever? If you get angry too at what they keep saying, than the chances increase. There would be more unfair words. But you could have control over how you feel. You might let it be. Don't hate them for it. Wait for them to calm down and notice that you are still you and a happy you? Maybe some day they can.
The idea of getting therapist perspective mentioned before also seems worth considering.
I really appreciate you sharing this, it's a tough place to be in. You're finding what you really need in a relationship with someone, regardless of age or background. I kind of wished your parents can see things from your point of view. I hope this helps.
