Hollow
I feel hollow, numb and empty. I hide and cry a lot when I am alone or when my foster mom is sleeping. .
I'm jealous and envious of the youth, people that seem to enjoy living and are "alive", people with families and friends, etc people in relationships regardless of how the dynamics are, people who have the presence of someone, etc...
I am not aging well, I've never had a good life..nothing but a life full of hurt and trauma ..my internal deep wounds are surfacing more and taking a toll on my physical.
I'm ugly, old, some missing teeth, wrinkles, scars and wounds all over my body, saggy thinner skin, missing thinner hair, scawl lines, mouth pulled almost permanently into a sad clown position, etc .. I have no life, no genuine loved ones, sickly, forever unemployed, etc ...
I am in my 40's and have never looked nor aged youthful ..now it's over .
I really hope that I can find enough distractions to numb me untill It is my time...
@patientLion707
I'm sorry your life is been so difficult, and that you are so sad. I also understand being jealous of youth, although ironically, young people rarely appreciate it.
Yes, a great many people really seem to act "alive," but among them, I wonder how many actually feel that way. That question comes to me because of how many I have met who have verbalized that they live in something akin to a life of quiet desperation, loneliness or bereft of fulfillment.
I had a rough beginning myself. To a great extent, that beginning lasted until I was in my 40s. Sometimes, I was jealous of the elderly, because for them, it was almost over.
I also learned the hard way, some relationships make being alone a much better choice.
I'm in my 70s now, and have had health issues all of my life. These days though, they seem to be more timely, as this is the time of life that such issues are expected. At the same time, at least by appearances, I seem to be in better shape than many who are my age. I've been fortunate that I've been able to spend the approximate price of a new Buick on my teeth, which had been having abscesses since childhood. I found out (again, the hard way) that untreated abscesses can lead to endocarditis (infected heart valves). Additionally, adult lower molars never grew in, leading to a surgery that resulted in the lower half of my face swollen to twice its size. Oh well, those are enough gruesome details about me.
You mentioned finding distractions to numb you. Please consider, there may be distractions that can also fulfill you. How many others do you imagine there are who are living with feelings similar to yours? As a retired nurse, I've encountered hundreds who would greatly appreciate having an interaction with someone like you. You are far from alone.
The life we hoped for didn't happen. We're still here. The choices we make now are what matters. Our choices include both our actions and chosen perspectives.
Even if you have only one eye, one leg and one tooth, you still have much to offer. Many would still love to hear from you.
My daddy would be 74 this year. He was a fighter. I got ten additional years with him that were never promised and were highly unexpected. He outlived his prognosis, with 12% lung capacity (which decreased over those years) and I got to have him in my life an additional ten years
I'm 36. I've got health issues and have since I was born. Im an addict. Opiates. I'm off of illicit opiates and on methadone now but I'm tapering off it, currently at 90mg after dropping 30 from 120 to 90mg last week. On Tuesday I'll drop another 30. I don't have to do the taper that quickly but I'm ready to be done with it. Methadone kept me from being there for my best friend because they wouldn't give me more than two days worth and he was all the way 300 miles away.
I don't know what all is wrong with me.
I know I've had endocarditis before. Twice. Hazards of being an IV drug user at one point.
It's ***.
I'm glad that you're thru that. I love what you said about distractions and how they can either numb you, or fullfil you. I needed to hear that tonight.
You need lots of romance.
Time for what? I joined this group and saw your post. I'm not some happy *** person trying to help you.
I'm here for help too.
Aw, I'm sorry...Hope u recover...
Hi! I am a message away. Do write to me. I am with you. I will listen to you. ♥️
@patientLion707
@patientLion707 I've been feeling like this for a while too, ever since I turned 21 really. I'm still very young but I don't feel young anymore. I feel like I have to grow up. Because if I don't, then the world will swallow me whole and leave nothing left behind to remember me. I'm also just...more tired then I used to be. All the time. I hate my life right now, I just want to find something that makes me feel okay again. :'(
@patientLion707 keep fighting,
life will always beat you down, you are so brave for that and I am proud of you!
I can't even fathom being in that position, you are so strong :)
♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️-your serotonin and dopamine levels
