I can't keep doing this!
I am done. I am so tired of being the only responsible person in this house! My SO is gone mon to Thursday every week and does nothing for the 14 hours he's not working. Comes home on the weekends and spends his time doing school work instead of spending time with family or helping me with the house or kids, when he could easily do his school work during the 14 hours he's not working. I do the cleaning, cooking, shopping, 100% care of the kids and animals ( including the dog HE wanted) 100% care of a neurospicy child, all care and repairs on the cars, yard work, attempt to balance the finances, the mental, emotional well being of 4 kids , attempting to take care of my own mental well-being (which goes severely neglected as well as my physical health) , making sure he takes care of his physical health, keeping up with home repairs, meal planning, school events, parent teacher meetings , making appointments, planning family outings, events and vacations and preparing for these. Litterally everything is on me alone 100% of the time. I ask something simple like , if something is low put it on the list, he can't even manage that! When he's home all he does is yell at the kids and is especially hard on my nerospicy kiddo, I'm constantly having to play ref. I'm exhausted, I'm so beyond stressed that I can't think straight. I'm trying to manage my own adhd, trauma, and anxiety and I can't. Now he wants me to find a job to help with finances but it's not possible with the amount of dr appts, therapy appts and school meetings I have a week, on top of the time off I would need for school breaks , no job would allow for that much time off.
I want to run away from them all, I want to scream and cry and throw things, and I can't. I take all my feelings and stuff them down and try to show a calm front to my kids, I'm not allowed to lose my *** cause it isn't a good example of handling emotions. They already struggle with emotional regulation and I don't need to be a poor example. I feel guilty for feeling this way. I shouldn't want to run away, or disappear. Good moms don't feel that way.
Good moms have feelings…. ALL sorts of feelings! I want you to know that I recognize all your hard work, commitment, and dedication to your children. You are a rockstar! I would feel frustrated too. I have been in a situation like that before, granted you have a ton more going on then I did. But I felt frustrated— ii felt it all was unfair that my partner at that time didn’t pitch in. I later learned that I was enabling that sorta behavior for him. So I started drawing boundaries to help him enable himself. He was an educated adult man who worked. But I had so much other stuff going on with raising my kids, I decided that he would need to do his own laundry, pick up//wash his own dishes, make his side of the bed, buy his own bath supplies, pick up his own dry cleaning, get his own beer, and when he didn’t clean up after his dogs when they made an accident in the house because he didn’t take them out for a walk, I picked up the pet waste with a paper towel and put it in his man cave so he could deal with it. Cruel I know, but I did it out of detachment with love… and I reinforced it nicely and gently— I was never mean about it to him or scornful to him. It made him uncomfortable and a bit mad, but he eventually figured it out. He got tired of the pile of his dirty dishes, tired of his side of the bed being dirty and such… and by him having to now deal with his messes, guess what? He actually took care of it when it all piled up on him and then… and then… guess what came next? He started doing more around the house! He started doing things I never dreamed he would! He cut the grass, he took out the trash, he went shopping for me, he pitched in a ton more! Lasted about 6 months and then he got hooked on pot with this new friend and so then I and my kids had to leave him because he didn’t get anything done at all when he turned into a pothead… but it had worked. 😂
Good moms absolutely do feel that way. You recognize that there is a severe imbalance of household duties, have you tried talking to your SO straight? Just letting him know how doing all of this makes you feel, that you don't feel supported at all? Therapy would also help you process your feelings that you are bottling up. All that being said I know it's 100% easier said than done, but maybe the first step is trying to talk to your SO. Communication is key. Maybe even find some time to write everything down first so you know exactly what you want to say. 💓 it's not an easy situation at all and idk if I made it any better. Is there a family member or good friend you can reach out to for support? Maybe someone who can watch the kids for an afternoon so you can have a break and breathe? You've got so much on your shoulders and having a SO like that doesn't help any. I'm sorry 😞
First off, I love your user name! I just had to let you know .
I have tried talking to him, we even tried therapy and he either doesn't get it or doesn't care. Anytime I bring up something he gets defensive, gas lights me or pulls the " I know I'm a *** person" bs. He never takes real accountability or tries to make real changes. I want to leave but that is proving to be harder than expected. Because of therapy, Dr appts and school breaks I can't find a job that will be that flexible and there's no way to afford daycare. Unfortunately I had to move across the country from all my family and friends and have zero support system near me. I have been here 4 years and haven't even been able to make a friend 😞 . I feel so trapped and so lonely. Then my SO gets mad at me when I reach my limit and get snappy.
I think the best next step is to just have a calm sit down to let him know that making a life involves a fair balance of responsibilities between the couple in order to not completely exhaust the other. I hope he understands that case and if he doesn’t, then maybe try one more time before making any major decisions.
@marriedsinglemom4 <3 Neurospicy
@marriedsinglemom4 I can't believe your current situation, but I hope you are doing well now! Come on!
@marriedsinglemom4
It’s time to LEAVE immediately if you can. Nobody should have to take on all that emotional stuff while they have a partner that actually lives in the household. You have to do what’s best for your own well being etc therapy will NOT help it’s to far gone. Get yourself together and come up with a plan and start over!
I'm trying. Unfortunately finding work that has a flexible schedule for the Dr appts and therapies and school breaks is proving more difficult than I thought. I can't afford daycare and live over 1000 miles away from any family or friends, it's very depressing. I'm looking for a starting point like doing odd jobs for neighbors, dog sitting, ect. Just get a foot on the ground until I can come up with a better plan.
@marriedsinglemom4. Completely understandable! You are doing right, by taking any odd jobs to start the process of saving to remove yourself and children from that environment. It’s not healthy at all. You need emotional and mental peace.. PLEASE save every cent you get so you can leave. Children do not need to see their mother in that type of emotional pain.. you don’t want them growing up and having horrible relationships based on what they are seeing now. I’m sure someone will suggest therapy to you. Don’t do it! Therapy will basically just be, kicking the can down the road! Next thing you know you wasted 10more years and then HE decides he wants out. Save and GO! Have a blessed night
@marriedsinglemom4
Looking from an outside perspective, it appears your partner has taken much for granted.
He uses work (and homework) as what appears to be his own justification for not helping you.
You could say your partner is 'burying his head in the homework'.....This is because he has created a 'veil' to shield himself from the reality of home.
He can't face the problems you are experiencing with your health, the children, the animals, the cars, the house and whatever else because - he has created his own ideology of family life.
He wants to protect his belief in the role of life-partner and father. However. This is a role he can only visualise, yet so well he now thinks it is a reality.
You maintain the house, cars, children, pets, finances and even your partner. Sadly. There's neglecting your own physical and mental health needs.
Your partner will only pay attention to the 'finished results' and refuses to face the true reality of what goes on 'behind the scenes'. In doing so, he'll see a totally different picture to that he has created for his comfort.
This is immediately shown when he arrives home to four children running around the house. A sudden reminder of the reality he faces. He becomes angry - not just at the children - but because he gets this glimpse of what life is really like at home. His anger is brought on by fear.
Maybe your partner has always been accustomed to this way of life as a younger person - or - on the other hand.....Perhaps he never received the care that you provide for him now.
He had ambitions to raise a family, live in a big house, have a couple of cars and a dog.
He once dreamt that his future income would be more than enough to provide for his family.....Now he wants you to get a job (rather than him try to address the household expenses).
The 'couples' therapy you had previously may not have tackled the underlying issue regarding your partner's problem of not facing the truth.
As your partner may be unwilling to undergo therapy, it may be worth suggesting that you both go back as a couple. He'll probably just agree to it - even for your sake - and go along.
You could gently steer the conversation towards your partner's non-acceptance issues and there may be a chance he'll comment on this. At the point of him engaging in the conversation, the counsellor may then encourage him to discuss further. This could be a first step to addressing his problem.
When your partner finally accepts what is going on at home - the chances are, he'll be willing to do something positive to help you all out.
Thank you 🫂 I truly didn't know I needed to hear that. I know he grew up in an emotionally stunted house hold and he himself is emotionally stunted. His parents were also neglectful, not abusive like cps should have called, but like he never had a birthday party, he never got to do school activities, he was always in trouble for what his siblings did, they didn't hug him or comfort him when he was hurt and in the years we have been together I have never heard them say I love you to him. I am the opposite, I throw big parties for my kids , milestone birthdays they get very heartfelt gifts that I put so much love into. My kids do all the activities and I'm their biggest fan at every single one, I teach compassion, learning lessons and being a good example to younger siblings, that it's ok to make mistakes as long as we take responsibility for them. I have never refused a hug my kids have asked for, and I ltell them I love them several times a day.
I didn't think about how he could be seeing that. I appreciate your insight so much!
@marriedsinglemom4 OMG OMG OMG! Are you me? Did I write this and just forgot? Changed my user name, too. Only I don't remember being here two months ago....and my SO doesn't go to school, his excuse is "he does all the heavy stuff" (which I always help with too). And he's always acting like he can't find things so I have to find whatever it is and then do whatever he wanted to do with whatever he couldn't find! And all we do anymore is fight, because everything I say and do he interprets as I'm calling him an a$$hol3 (which is all he is anymore). And he is NEVER wrong about ANYTHING, thinks he doesn't need to change anything about himself, believes he treats me like a QUEEN, and that I'm the most horrible (every bad female type swear word you can imagine).🤮
But God help me, for some reason I still love him. Maybe because he had a really bad and traumatic childhood, never grew up emotionally, feel like I need to take care of him, love him unconditionally (no one else has before in his life) and be the only one who has never abandoned him, I dunno. (I know these things about him because we went to high school together. We lost track for 30 years, and then reconnected.)
Or maybe I'm a closet masochist.
Wow, I've been saying one of us is crazy, just not sure if it's me or him (due to some other stuff that happens) but now I'm thinking it must be me, after reading your post. I'm thinking you are me *yikes*.
You don't happen to live in the southeast of the USA do you? Cuz you and I and your kids and my dogs could all run away together and ditch those lazy, ego-centric, mean SOB's! I want to leave so bad, but I have three dogs, no money, nowhere to go, and no transportation to get there (thanks to him using my truck and not taking care of it...long story).
Wow. And your post, even though it's two months old, was the first thing in my news feed. Gee, think something's trying to tell me something?
Anyway, I obviously don't have any advice or suggestions. I just wanted you to know you aren't the only one out there dealing with this crap.
My heart goes out to you BIG TIME. ❤️ And please, feel free to message me, if that's even possible, if you feel like swapping horror stories, need an EXTREMELY sympathetic AND empathetic ear, or just need a friend (he's kept me from making any, too. Yet another long story.)
In any event, take care of yourself sweetie.
🐻
PS: I actually DO have one more thing to add: there's a thing called Rat Race Rebellion on the Internet, and they have a website and newsletter which posts LEGITIMATE work-from-home jobs. You should check them out!
I also feel like you’re describing my life in many ways! “Neurospicy” is an amazing description of my youngest child. I might borrow this word!
The only thing I can suggest to you is to find your daily escape. Whether it’s going for a walk and listening to a podcast, getting a gym membership where you can go at 5:30am just to sit in the sauna or massage chair, hiding out in your closet and listening to a meditation, or putting on headphones to hear some good tunes and block out the family while you put dishes away, you have to find a way to remove yourself from this stress for at least a little time every day.
I work and have rearranged my hours so I work in an office most Sunday mornings. Work is my esacpe. I sit in a silent office drinking coffee while my husband runs the kids to activities. Not only is it glorious to have this break from the family but my husband can’t complain since it’s the paycheck he wanted. It’s also really good for his relationship with the kids. It’s amazing that when he has to take care of the kids, he actually is capable. It sounds like getting a job during the week would be too much with what you have on your plate. You need the time when kids are in school to manage the family life. No one dreams of working weekends but I can honestly say it’s one of the most relaxing and fulfilling parts of my life. Just an option to consider.
Best wishes, momma. I feel your pain. It sounds like you’re an amazing human and incredible mother.