Idk

Just got to work I guess I’m feeling more stable that I can deal but I guess the things in the past I don’t think about so much or I do but I don’t feel as intensely as before maybe it’s far behind me. I guess I can handle coming in tommorrow.

But I don’t think I feel 100% happy and I mean no one is sometimes I wish my life was something more but I don’t have a strong interest in a relationship and friends are hard to find but maybe I don’t know what I’m looking for. I mean if I was stuck in a relationship with someone I’m not sure or happy of that would be worse wouldn’t it? And if you’re hanging out with so called friends that you can’t resonate with and they likely belittle or ignore me then that’s isn’t good either I’ll feel more alone than being with myself. And I’m 35 I know life is not going to get easier but I guess I need to figure out how to navigate. Such a double standard that women lose their value with age but men it is the opposite and yet they probably get turned on going for girls half their age sometimes even those that are barely eighteen which is disturbing and wouldn’t be my kind of guy and obviously I wouldn’t be his either. It’s disturbing how fetishized youth culture is to dudes. But then I’m also really guarded like most women would be and not likely to give in. Since I have a sense that most would have an agenda. Sometimes I don’t even know