Love old me❤️
Hello.
I wonder why we still remind us with what hurt us in first place. Some can't forget. Why we feel trapped in our past ? How do I escape from old versions of myself ? I love myself and I can see how struggled she went through and I couldn't help her in past I couldn't while she was a victim of alot of abuse . But how to put her in rest after what happened ? I hope myself finds the happy end one day which she deserves. 🙏.
@BlueOceanShine
I think when we are greatly hurt, the memory will always remain. If a person continues to think about the hurt, the same emotions keep coming back. Would it be good to forget? If we actually did forget, there's a chance that we would put ourselves in a position to be hurt again in exactly the same way. Painful memories are vivid, and it's part of our humanity and evolution that such memories remain, as a survival mechanism.
You indicate that you want to escape from an old version of yourself. The reality is, with each new day, you are a new version of yourself. Every day, you gain wisdom, experience, and an increased capacity for empathy. The truth is, it's impossible to remain an old version of yourself.
Although it's not possible to erase painful memories, it is possible to have a different relationship with them. One big lesson is knowing that you survived. In that sense, the pain teaches us about our strength. It increases our understanding of others who have also experienced such pain. It also helps us to understand how we might help others deal with it.
Escaping the past is significantly accomplished by letting go of habitual thoughts and beliefs. Doing that requires a measure of discipline. It doesn't happen overnight, and unhelpful thought habits sometimes reappear. However, the longer you persist with changing those thought patterns, the less they will influence you.
Take one thought habit, "I'm trapped in my past." If that is reframed with something more accurate, it might be, "I was never trapped in the past, I only thought I was." Another way of saying it is, "I'm not trapping myself anymore." Over the years, I have had to replace a lot of negative thought habits, and I think most people do. I think it's worthwhile to question our thoughts on a regular basis, because we may still be thinking and believing something, based on early experience, and if we look at the issue from a new perspective, we may see that some of our old beliefs are no longer valid.
You mentioned that you love yourself. Do you have empathy for yourself? Do you feel compassion toward yourself? Are you as fair towards yourself as you are towards others?
I too was a victim of abuse. If I dwell on the memory, I can still feel the pain and fear. I remind myself, that was then, this is now. I was a victim, but now I am not a victim. I suppose I could call it a cruel gift because it led to a level of compassion and empathy that only another victim might understand.
No, you could not help her in her past. How to put her "in rest?" Listen to her carefully. Ask her how she managed. Ask her how you can support her now. Let me repeat, listen listen listen! There are no words that can fix abuse and trauma, but it becomes manageable in the presence of loving, nonjudgmental support.
You hope she finds happiness. I hope both of you do. You both deserve it.
Hello. Thank you for your reply and for your valuable words. I truly appreciate the effort, the time, and the depth behind them. Yes, I can feel that you have been through pain as well—perhaps because you described mine so clearly.
I wasn’t listening to her before. I was trying to ignore her and avoid thinking about her. But after circumstances changed, and real peace came following the achievement of my goals, I finally allowed myself to breathe. Suddenly, all the doors opened, and I began to see everything clearly.
I am in pain because I once lived in such deep pain that I now feel separated from my old self—the victim. I feel pain for her, sadness for her. And I can’t take revenge. I can’t confront those who caused it. I can’t even reach them anymore.
It feels like waking up from a nightmare that is already over, yet still remembering it—unable to comprehend what actually happened to you. The memories come as flashbacks, fast and sudden. I have changed so much that I can hardly believe I was that person one day.
I try to socialize, but I feel like a stranger to myself. When people want to get close, I wonder: who would they really know—me, or my past? Who would accept me for who I am now? How do I hide my old habits and interests when they no longer suit my new self?
Everything feels mixed up in my mind. I am trying to listen—truly trying—but the weight is heavy, and the pain is heavy to carry. Maybe I am afraid of collapsing under it.
@Spiritriver
Hello. Thank you for your reply and for your valuable words. I truly appreciate the effort, the time, and the depth behind them. Yes, I can feel that you have been through pain as well—perhaps because you described mine so clearly.
I wasn’t listening to her before. I was trying to ignore her and avoid thinking about her. But after circumstances changed, and real peace came following the achievement of my goals, I finally allowed myself to breathe. Suddenly, all the doors opened, and I began to see everything clearly.
I am in pain because I once lived in such deep pain that I now feel separated from my old self—the victim. I feel pain for her, sadness for her. And I can’t take revenge. I can’t confront those who caused it. I can’t even reach them anymore.
It feels like waking up from a nightmare that is already over, yet still remembering it—unable to comprehend what actually happened to you. The memories come as flashbacks, fast and sudden. I have changed so much that I can hardly believe I was that person one day.
I try to socialize, but I feel like a stranger to myself. When people want to get close, I wonder: who would they really know—me, or my past? Who would accept me for who I am now? How do I hide my old habits and interests when they no longer suit my new self?
Everything feels mixed up in my mind. I am trying to listen—truly trying—but the weight is heavy, and the pain is heavy to carry. Maybe I am afraid of collapsing under it.
@BlueOceanShine
"I am in pain because I once lived in such deep pain that I now feel separated from my old self—the victim. I feel pain for her, sadness for her. And I can’t take revenge. I can’t confront those who caused it. I can’t even reach them anymore."
I understand looking back and feeling regret, both wishing things had been different and also wishing I'd handled things differently, or had a better understanding at an earlier time in my life. I imagine she has very similar feelings.
Regarding revenge, given a choice, which focus should be given priority, revenge or healing? In my personal experience, I have found that revenge increases pain, then adds guilt to it. I believe an abuser's past eventually catches up to them and in one way or another, they suffer the consequences of their actions.
"I try to socialize, but I feel like a stranger to myself. When people want to get close, I wonder: who would they really know—me, or my past? Who would accept me for who I am now? How do I hide my old habits and interests when they no longer suit my new self?"
To feel like a stranger to yourself suggests that you are changing, making progress, and as that occurs, introspection (looking inward) is important. It's a bit like interviewing yourself, asking, as though for the first time, how you're feeling, what you have learned, what your intentions are, what you wish to choose for goals, and how you might feel as you make progress towards them. As time passes, other changes occur within, for example feeling the urge to dress differently, wear different hairstyle, discovering a change of taste in music, among other things.
Feeling mixed up sounds like you are in a state of transition, perhaps letting go of old beliefs and embracing new ones.
At the same time, this "heavy pain" is calling for your attention. Maybe it is taking greater prominence in your mind because somewhere inside you, you are sensing an opportunity to formulate a more effective way of managing it.
I believe you are stronger now than ever before. I believe you understand more about yourself and your circumstances than ever before. This is a time when self compassion plays an important role.
Sometimes making pain manageable requires the release of pent-up emotions, which may have to occur repeatedly for some time. For example, when my past relationship ended, I released a lot of pain through tears nightly, for months.
I don't do a lot of socializing. I am a pretty extreme introvert. However, I have become comfortable with the fact that much of my authenticity (who I am) becomes revealed as I interact with others. Many times I even surprise myself with what I am expressing. Old habits and interests gradually fade away when they are no longer being reinforced. I don't think there is a need to hide them. Instead I think it's more a case of saying "this is who I am now."
Discovering who we are is an ongoing process, because we are always evolving, and for the most part becoming better versions of ourselves. Also, who we are is context specific. We may have generalized beliefs, but by being in harmony with our feelings, it is likely that we will exhibit different personality traits, depending on where we are. For example, one may project polite reverence at a wedding, and cool efficiency while at work. One may be cheerful and outgoing at a public gathering, but also reserved and quiet elsewhere. Personally, I tend to be reserved and quiet everywhere. Sometimes I'm cheerful and outgoing when I'm playing with my grandkids.
The truth is, no one who currently knows me would ever imagine what kind of person I was years ago. When I was young, I was fully convinced that I would be a lifelong failure. I dropped out of school and left home at age 15. I never expected to earn more than minimum wage.
That's who I was then.
Eventually, I graduated college with honors, made a great living, doing meaningful work. I wife and I have been together happily for 32 years. I like to reach out and encourage others.
That's who I am now.
I was a tragic victim, suffering from PTSD.
Now, for the most part, I live in a state of ongoing gratitude. Victims can become survivors.
I hope this helps.
Message me if you wish.
@BlueOceanShine Your words show deep tenderness and care for your past self. When you wonder why the past echoes, it reminds me of the River Map; hurt parts don't cling to the past to trap us, but to be seen, heard, and held with compassion.
We stay connected to old pain not out of weakness, but because younger selves lacked protection and learned to hold everything alone. They reemerge to finally receive the care they missed, not to punish us.
You asked how to "put her to rest." Maybe she doesn't need to be put to rest; perhaps she needs to be welcomed home. You're already doing that by saying you love her, by acknowledging her struggle, by wishing her peace. That's powerful. That's healing.
You're not escaping an old self but learning to integrate her, to sit beside you instead of behind. That's how people grow into wholeness.
I believe you deserve a happy ending, and your honesty and self-compassion show you're already moving toward it.
You're not alone on this river.
@LeoInPerpetuity
Your words are beautiful, and I felt their depth. To open the door for her to return home — perhaps that truly is the purpose: for her to come back to her home and finally find the safety she always lacked, to find care, protection, and support.
Perhaps I wanted to embrace myself here, in front of everyone, to know that I am not alone in the river of life.
Thank you so much for your warm words, and I wish you happiness in your life.
I think the way to give our past rest is by moving forward. We are capable of creating anew and experiencing paths that are unfamiliar. It may be bumpy, but it will help you build a sense of yourself. It’s important to be honest and do what you truly want; perhaps in that way, you are loving a version of yourself that allows you to receive what you deserve.
@freakyrose
Thank you for your wise reply. Yes, we must move forward and continue learning with honest intentions in what we wish to achieve, so that we truly love and feel satisfied with what we do. Through learning, we correct ourselves. Thank you.