Mid 30s, feeling hopeless
I feel absolutely heartbroken and don’t know how to move forward or how to keep living. I feel deep frustration and disappointment in men. I don’t want to hate men, and I don’t want to generalize all men, but I’m so hurt. I feel that I can’t trust them anymore. The latest examples of men I’ve encountered—have shown me that they are not capable of proper commitment.
I don’t know how to live in a world where commitment is such a big issue, where all they want is an easy relationship—or none at all—with no names, no labels. They want the services of a girlfriend or wife; they want to be loved, to have sex, to share all the activities that define a proper couple. But they cannot secure you. They cannot make you feel safe. They don’t follow through on their word, and that frustrates me so much.
I’ve spent so much valuable time with someone who claimed to have deep feelings for me, someone who knew that I am a family-oriented person in my mid-30s. Everything would go well—we built experiences together, created a strong connection—until the moment I asked if we were on the same page. Then I would hear: “I like you so much. You’re so dear to me. You’re so important to me. I’ve become a better person with you…but I’m not ready to commit.”
I know it’s my mistake for letting this happen, but honestly, I don’t know where to find people who are capable of commitment. It has become so easy and accessible for so many people to have sex. There are so many dating apps, so many options, that this endless hunt for someone “better” has become a soul-*** machine.
What is wrong with this world?
I don’t blame men who feel fear—we all experience it to a certain extent. But when did it become normal to let fear dictate our actions? When did fear become a sign that something is wrong just because it feels scary? (And no, I’m not talking about life-threatening situations.)
What happened to morals? To self-discipline? To loyalty and faith? What happened to finding your way together, even when it’s hard? If someone is dear to us, how can it possibly be easier to leave? Why has it become normal to say one thing one day and change it the next, covering it up with excuses like, “My therapist says it’s okay to change my mind if it feels right.” How can we trust words anymore?
I guess all I’m doing right now is throwing a letter of desperation into the void of the internet, hoping someone will hear it. Hoping that someone, somewhere, will realize the importance of staying true to their beloved ones and not let fear fuel the pandemic of commitment issues.
@SonyaSleep take a moment and live for yourself , atleast once .
You don't need to be someone who is not you to try to fit in , the real one will surely accept you the way you are and will give you all the love you deserve . And if there's anything distracting you than I'm here to help 😉
I can’t speak for all men but I will say for myself that even though I had great parents and a dad that showed me how I should act I still struggled in my adult life because I was beaten down by bad relationships and their lasting wounds. It can change who you are from a fundamental level. I stopped caring about how I acted or treated anyone for a long time because no one seemed to care how they acted around and treated me. It takes time and willingness to 1) address those things and b) to actually work to fix them. Some people may just have not gotten to that place yet. Don’t give up. Because I had the right person show up when I needed her most and her love is what brought me back. She saw beyond what I thought of myself and that helped me pull myself up and become the man she deserves and needed as well. If the guy is communicating with you and you with him keep working. Keep talking through things. The right person will step up and answer the call.
@SonyaSleep I'm so sorry that you are feeling down about relationships. I am definitely not an expert, but I can speak from experience. In my 20s to mid 30s, I was married to a cheater, engaged to a control freak, and dated men that left me feeling empty. I am much older and wiser now, and married to a wonderful man who has my back and is committed to me. When I look back at my younger self, I would have advised to focus on my career instead of focusing on relationships. The right man will come along.
@SonyaSleep For a proactive approach to finding a committed relationship, you can go on dating sites and spell out what you are looking for (eg "looking for a traditional man who wants a committed relationship; otherwise, please don't apply"). I also highly suggest that you date someone who grew up with parents that were in a committed relationship (same advice I gave my kid). This way, there is a greater likelyhood that they understand what a committed relationship is/looks like.
@SonyaSleep Hi. Thank you for sharing. This sounds deeply hurting and I'm sorry that you had to go through this. I'm hoping you get through this with whatever you may need to help you. I'm also hoping and praying that you find the type of love you want and desire soon. Please don't lose hope as it still exist. You will find what you are looking for, if not better.
