Mid 30s, feeling hopeless

I’m so sorry you’re going through this sis! I’m mid 30’s too and I have the opposite problem. I like guys I cannot be with and they are committed, kind, love the simple things in life, have a job and a house just pure awesome and everything I want and the only thing missing is they don’t care to know God or have a relationship with God! So here I am finding the good ones but God is not at the center of dog their hearts! I have never dated someone in real life so I have no idea what you may be feeling! One thing that I am choosing to do is work on myself so when the right guy does come around I am prepared! I encourage you when the right guy does come to not filter him through the past hums that couldn’t commit and maybe up front ask him what’s he is looking for. Also know that that you valuable and precious, you never know if you’re being protected from men who aren’t the best fit for you even tho you may feel they are! Hang in there sis! :)

@SonyaSleep I am married and I am in a similar situation 

@SonyaSleep I am very sorry to hear about your experiences with men.  As a man myself, it bewilders me that other men (and many women as well) can have such commitment issues in a relationship.  A relationship is supposed to be the man and woman supporting and helping each other, being there for each other emotionally and spiritually, and helping each other become the person who each is meant to be.

You are not alone. 

@SonyaSleep

Hola, SonyaSleep.

Puedo sentir el dolor y la frustración en tus palabras, y lamento que estés pasando por esto. Es desgarrador invertir tiempo, amor y energía en alguien que al final no está dispuesto a comprometerse como tú lo deseas. No estás sola en este sentimiento, y es completamente válido cuestionarte el rumbo de las relaciones hoy en día.

Es difícil cuando parece que el compromiso ha perdido su significado para algunas personas. Pero eso no significa que todos sean así. Tu deseo de una relación auténtica y con propósito es valioso, y aunque parezca que cada vez es más difícil encontrar a alguien que comparta esos valores, eso no significa que no exista.

Es comprensible que sientas esta desesperanza en este momento, pero lo más importante es no perder de vista lo que tú mereces. A veces, soltar a quienes no pueden ofrecerte la seguridad que necesitas es el primer paso para abrir espacio a alguien que sí pueda.

Si quieres, aquí estoy para seguir hablando sobre esto. No tienes que cargar con este peso sola. 💙

@SonyaSleep

It really is hard to find a partner who's willing to commit for life.  Life is such a struggle, it'd seem that partners would want to remain with each other because life is so much easier to manage when with a supportive person.  

I think a lot of people don't understand how a relationship can grow and evolve over time.  I also think many commit due to infatuation rather than love.  It's nice when infatuation evolves into love and it often does.  Yet other times, people fall in "love," then drift apart.  Sadly, it's usually one partner or the other that's ready to end the relationship first, leaving the other behind to feel shocked and betrayed.  

I also think quality of life plays a role.  When people are required to work to exhaustion just to survive, it's easy for partners to mistake tiredness for disinterest.  People may become short tempered due to stress or depression, and a partner may interpret that state of mind as having something to do with the relationship rather than the individual having difficulty coping.  Sometimes people's "quirks" get on each other's nerves.  Sometimes people outside the relationship cause problems, especially family members.  Financial problems cause tension, and I've not known any couple who are in complete agreement regarding budgeting. 

The bottom line is, a long-term relationship takes effort, and what I call "pre-forgiveness," which means knowing there'll be things said and done that may cause hurt feelings, frustration, anger, etc., and no doubt in either partner's mind that the event will end in mutual forgiveness.  That means the love is "solid," and an unshakeable foundation for the relationship. 

I've heard it said more than a few times, if a person really knew how complicated and how much work goes into a relationship, they would never get married.  It doesn't help that all around us, there are relationships failing.  Fear of commitment really seems understandable.  If a person dwells on the "what ifs," the potential problems that can occur, it can be overwhelming.  

There's also the confidence factor.  A person may fear commitment because they can't believe they can meet their potential partner's needs sustainably.  

There are also "clingy," and insecure relationships, which often end up with partners resenting each other because their neediness traps them into a relationship that's not fulfilling.  Then the resentment eventually causes a breakup.  

Anyway, the above is just a partial list of reasons that lasting commitment is difficult to find.  

Maybe relationship counseling should come before partnership or marriage, while the couple are still just considering commitment.  

I was REALLY committed to a toxic relationship for 18 years.  When it ended, I was devastated to the point that I promised myself that I'd never commit like that again.  In fact, I was determined to simply remain alone.  

3 years later, I met someone. I didn't plan on it, but there she was.  

32 years later, we're still together.  We laugh, exercise, spend time in contented silence as well as deep discussion.  We're not perfect, but tension is extremely rare, and it has never lasted more than a couple of hours.  Our relationship did transition from the honeymoon phase into a deeper level of soul sharing and love.  

All I've written here is to convey that although there are a lot of things that interfere with attaining a really good, fulfilling and lasting relationship, it's still possible.  

@SonyaSleep Hi SonyaSleep. I  felt the same way, but then I realized I was feeling that way because I allowed my emotions to be controlled by what others said and did, especially guys. When I realized that I had the power to make myself happy and stopped relying on others to do it for me, I ended up with the confidence to attract a "good guy." But the best part is now I feel really good about myself and the situation, and it was all because no one (not just men) and no situation had that power over my emotions anymore. I'm not as frustrated with the situation anymore, and when I do become frustrated, it doesn't last because I quickly pivot my emotions. 

So sorry to hear that I am a listener too here yiu can text me anytime

@SonyaSleep feel free to text me . Would love to hear you . I am on same page

@SonyaSleep I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You must feel very disappointed in the world, and that's okay. Your feelings are valid. As for the men, where did you get your past ones from? Did you meet on a specific place or were they dating app matches? 

Well... I admire people who are able to look past the statistics and find love, but it's not me. The statistics are clear that most violence towards women is from men they love, and women are happier single than they are married. (And women with children are even less happy.)

I am older and at the point in my life I am open to loving and platonic friendship with men. However, they have no place in my home.