Need Advice from someone with more relationship experience than me
Recently I figured out why I have felt so disconnected from myself. I realized it was because I was so ashamed of being interested in sex. When I was a kid whenever someone would mention anything about romance or watch romance movies with kissing in it, I would say eww and do my best to block it out.
Now I have accepted that romance is a natural thing and it is okay to like it. Right now I am dating my childhood friend that I have known and went to school together with since kindergarten. He has always been a kind person and he is so sweet and loves me the way I am. We have kissed a few times, and we even had sex and now I am pregnant. He was very kind and gentle with me when we did it and I trust him because we have been best friends for so long, are parents are even friends. It felt nice but after people in our neighborhood found out I was pregnant, they started giving me weird looks and I even heard one say “there is no way those 2 are going to last, she was probably just *** and forced him to it”. A lot of people in the neighborhood have lived there for a long time and have know me and my boyfriend since we were kids. My boyfriend is popular with everyone because he is always so sweet in general. Lately many of my neighbors have been gossiping behind my back about me because we did it and my self esteem has plummeted.
I have started feeling ashamed of liking the feeling of sex. I noticed that I have started acting distant around my boyfriend. He asked me if I was okay and said he is worried about, but I lied and said I fine. I feel bad that I am now having a hard time being myself around him anymore. Not because I don’t trust him but because I don’t trust myself anymore.
I am trying to accept it is normal to like sex because it is a natural part of life. I have been trying to masterbate so I can accept myself more. When I do it I start feeling ashamed and all sorts of mean thoughts pop up in my head. I keep going anyway, but when it starts feeling nice for me, all of a sudden the pleasure goes away and the strength in my legs literally disappears(in a bad way). I end up feeling so ashamed for masterbating and start getting really stressed. I am having a hard time being myself around my friends and him and even my friends have been noticing and are worried. I want to be able to myself again, but I just can’t seem to get rid of the thoughts that sex is a bad thing that have been hammered into my mind by so many people. I don’t know what to do, my head has been hurting from all this stress.
@gregariousBunny2905
It sounds like you’ve grown up with deeply ingrained negative feelings related to sex. Do you know how those feelings developed? I think it usually involves the traditional beliefs of family or the culture one is exposed to.
Keep in mind, without sex, nobody would exist. Most of the world’s people have been created to feel deep desire for sex. There should be no shame in having feelings that come to us through our DNA.
You have a right to explore your sexuality in any way you desire, as long as you’re not hurting others while doing it.
Gossip and other people’s judgment of you is based on their own unhealthy attitudes towards sex, or it may be due to jealousy. One way or another, if others are trying to make you feel bad about yourself, they are simply providing evidence of their own ignorance and harshness of character. Pay no more attention to them than you would when you hear a cow pass gas. Also keep in mind, manure is more useful than their words.
Another way of putting it is that people are exposing the shamefulness within themselves when they want you to feel ashamed. If they wanted to help you, they’d take a much more compassionate approach.
How to get rid of the negative thoughts related to sex? Therapy? Maybe “hammering” what is true into your own mind? You deserve compassion, including self-compassion. There’s a lot to be said for meditative, self-nurturing affirmations.
If you met someone much like yourself and with similar issues related to sex, how would you feel about her? What truth would you share with her? How would you go about helping her feel better about herself?
@gregariousBunny2905
Feelings of shame are so often the most difficult to deal with and work through, especially when it comes to something so personal and intimate.
My grandmother used to say that "guilt and shame are wasted emotions". I think there are relatively few instances in our lives, for most of us, where we truly deserve to feel shame. Most of the time guilt and shame are artificial.
It sounds like what you truly risk here is potentially sacrificing the health of your relationship, and your own fulfillment, because of what others feel.
Is this something you've discussed with your boyfriend? Is there any reason you couldn't?
@gregariousBunny2905
It’s isolating to be talked about like that. It’s natural to want to belong. Maybe your feelings come from associating sex with the reason that your belonging is now shaken?
Whatever the reason is, I agree with Hilda. Please talk to your boyfriend. You said you feel ashamed. It’s big feeling. But if the two of you are to prove the people wrong and last, then you need to learn to talk about different things. You can wait for the right moment when you snuggle or something. Just say first sentence like “you asked if I was ok, I think I am not. I hear what people are saying about us..”. If he is the guy you describe, it will get you closer. He will help you tell him more. Let him feel you trust him. Let the discussion unfold.
I think that once this clears between the two of you, it will get better for you. It can bond the two of you instead of breaking you. And in time people will get used to. If they see you stayed together they will have to stop talking. And the shame… it will get better… My sister is a single mother. She felt bad when she was pregnant too. Now she has a beautiful little girl that everyone adores. Hopefully, it will be like this too.
Note: What could be the worse thing that could happen now? Could it be you and your boyfriend growing distant because of it?
First of all masterbating is not bad at all so stop feeling ashamed and secondly if you are afraid of sex it's absolutely fine u don't have to feel embarrassed for that if your bf can make u feel comfortable for sex it's fine otherwise it's ok to do cuddling foreplays and if doesn't respect your feelings leave him you are strong enough to live life at your own
