Relationship Advice!
I recently started talking with someone at work. Currently about once a week only, and not the soul baring conversations yet.
I like him & I can tell he likes me too.
We aren’t that close really yet and literally not in the same country even.
Out of nowhere I have a meeting coming up close to where he is, and he wants to take a flight down to come see me.
I’m flipping out, I kid you not..
but here’s the thing.
Im 42, had a child marriage quite literally at 20 and divorced in 15 days.
how and when do I disclose this piece of information.. I don’t want to seem desperate or send wrong signals or the fact that this may just be a friendship.
@jas3110
Flipping out with excitement or fear?
If it is butterflies of excitement, that's so fun, and I'm so pleased for you. 🦋
And there's nothing wrong with a bit of worry. It would be odd if you didn't have a bit of anxiety, meeting someone for the first time.
Only you can really know the right time to share something. But here's some things you might want to think about.
How well do you really know this person? This is the whole point of dating - to find out about each other. If you hide stuff, what precedent are you setting for your relationship? Personally I think it would be unrealistic to expect someone 42 years old to not have a past. What are your expectations of the person you are going to meet, if you are worried about them knowing your past?
Long distance relationships are a bit notorious for the fact that it is very easy to be selective with facts and by omission, present an image of reality. Anything like that is unlikely to bode well for the long term, so if your hopes are long term, I'd watch out for it, both in yourself, and the other person.
I think meeting as close friends is a good place to start. Would you hesitate to tell a good friend that you trust, about your past? Hopefully not. So maybe look to share it as a boring routine fact you'd tell any friend, rather than it have any meaning related to a potential future as a couple. I can totally understand that you want this to go well, but if the other person breaks off the relationship because of a fact about your past, then is this really a bad thing?
You say you come from different countries. How much do you really know about their culture? How much are you biased by what you have seen on TV? Have you considered why this friend hasn't found a partner from their own culture? Maybe they don't fit the cultural norms of their country and you don't fit the cultural norms of your country and you will be a perfect match. Or maybe you both will have expectations from the movies that will be problematic long term?
I suspect you know all of this, but it's never a mistake to stay safe and take your time.
I hope you have a wonderful trip and everything turns out exactly as you hope.
Safe to say, that this is the best advice I have ever heard!
I’m flipping out with anxiety and happiness both. Truth be told, I haven’t felt this way since I was probably 18..
I don’t really know him that well. We just work together (virtually) so have had some tiny conversations and found some shared interests and that’s about it.
Honestly I’m not worried about sharing my past at all.. it was irrelevant & happened 20 yrs ago, frankly I don’t even remember the guys name anymore! I haven’t dated anyone since.
Its just that people are people.. and most folks when they hear the word ‘divorced’ run out the door.
But then, I really really like your advice! I will mentally prep myself to start from a place of friendship and share this information like I would with any other friend. And you’re also right, if it’s a deal breaker, then not so bad if he leaves.
After all you’d want to be with someone who accepts you for who you are.. scars and all.. :-)
Oh and culture is going to be another big conversation, if this is going somewhere..
Thank you my friend.. can’t explain how anxious I was, and your message has completely calmed my soul..
Lots of Love :-)