Saddened

Today wasn't a good day as usual. I was cleaning and had moved everything out of a room and just had finished cleaning the floor, when 5 minutes later my foster mom's son and daughter in law called and said that they were on the way to see her.  

She got extremely upset and angry at me for cleaning. She yelled at me and verbally abused me. She said I should have known better than to clean today because I should know that it's a holiday and that every holiday her family comes to visit. (They don't) and that it's too early to be cleaning and running a loud floor cleaning machine (it was 12 noon). She then told me that I didn't know how to clean the floor because I wasn't doing it the way that she cleaned. That she didn't move things around or used a machine. 

That I was putting too much water and solution on the floor. .etc... she was complaining a lot. Then she insulted me and said that I am never to clean again, and the next time that things need cleaning, shes going to hire a professional.(as if they wouldn't be making loud noise) I asked her before they came to ask them if they could come later or something because the floor is wet. She told me no, that she wasn't going to do that, and that I never should have started cleaning in the first place. 

 That she'll get down on her hands and knees and somehow scrub and dry the floor if she has to. That she's not going to turn her children away.

Then she stood on the steps watching and started to come down. I asked her not to because the floor was wet. She told me that she'll go wherever she wants to in her own house and that she doesn't need my permission. 

I told her it's like she doesn't want me to do anything any day, because she's banking on only a possibility of company coming. She told me that she doesn't and doesn't care what I say...Then as she proceeded to go upstairs, she told me that I better let her know when her company rings the door bell.

They rang like 5 minutes later. I opened the door and unfortunately I burst into tears and told them what happened.  

They confronted her and apologized to me and tried to downplay the situation by telling me that she didn't mean it and was sorry. She meant it and wasn't sorry. 

She's been verbally abusive and insulting to me ever since I came to her almost 30 years ago. Her family has too. None of them even know anything about me and has never paid interest in me. I'm just a cleaning lady and a caregiver to them all.  

Just a free worker. They've even told me this multiple times. About how it's good I take care of their mom and clean.

Over the years, all of them have threatened to remove me from their home if I basically didn't do what they said. They all have bullied and pressured me. 

I feel super embarrassed, ashamed, and sad to have cried and vented to them..because they have never truly cared about me..plus I guess me getting older and possibly experiencing perimenopause which has made me cry and lose control of my emotions and emotional control quite frequently..and my traumatizing life and life experiences..I don't cry in front of people if I can help it. I usually hold it in and cry every night in the dark.

I feel more terrible and ashamed that I cried than what happened. ..to top it off they brought a neighbor with them that witnessed all of this.

The daughter in law in the mist of me loosing it, started fishing for compliments, saying that she's fat and needs to lose weight.. she does this often .

They then made excuses for my foster mom saying that her age made her behave like this...even the neighbor agreed with this.. Age has nothing to do with treating someone terribly..illness and other things may...not age. Not a lot of people excuse a person who may be younger acting terribly to people. I've never heard "oh they're younger that's why they treat you poorly." A very large portion of people don't even excuse people who are younger who treat others badly even if they had illness or traumatic  experiences that causes them to lash out. A lot of people berate people who are younger and say that what they're going through is no excuse for them to act in such a manner..and that they should get therapy.

I feel soo embarrassed and ashamed. I hope that I'll never cry in front of anyone ever again. 

Now foster mom on the phone with friend sharing what happened. I am saddened and hurt by this. I wish it never happened and wish things would remain private.

I wish I had better emotional control like I had previously before perimenopause. I hate it.