Today was a very bad triggering day
Today was a very bad triggering day.
In one or more previous post(s) I decided to share some of my existence story...
Anyways today was bad and triggering because some of my foster mom's family came over to visit her (I always do my best to stay upstairs). I'm introverted, have not a people person and people with active involved families are extremely triggering for me.
So they came and stayed for about 45 minutes. All I heard downstairs was the joy and love amongst themselves and that they had for one another. Then I heard the young grandchildren so full of life, optimism, laughter and hope.
It was extremely triggering because I grew up being abused, isolated, rejected, abandoned, in all kinds of ways without anyone wanting nor caring about me truly. I grew in the system being shuffled around from place to place...enduring too much.
I was a child without hopes, dreams, optimism, without laughter. I grew up with serious traumas, and self esteem issues. I grew up afraid, fearful, quiet, reserved, etc..I grew up always in survival mode..always wondering when my next meal was...wondering who was going to assault me next...wondering why I wasn't good enough to be loved, cherished, and protected.
My foster mom's 8 year old grandchild was very vocal and talkative going over the subjects in school she was studying, her love of school, her friends, her love for her family, the different languages studied, different meals she enjoyed, the places and happy experiences she's had, etc...
It triggered my ptsd, and other anxieties..it made me really sad. At 5 I was suffering sexual abuse from an adult (teachers aid) inside of the school bathroom, rejected and made fun of by alot of children, rejected by teachers and staff for being sensitive (I cried silent tears often) being berated by them, and not being liked by the other children... home life was terrible. Age 6 had my first suicide attempt....7..was kidnapped...8 went into foster system..
Their whole lovely dynamics of family is always too much to bare. I'll never have that. I'll never be protected. I'll never be secure. I'll never be safe. I'll never be comfortable. I'll never be anything but traumas.
@helloGlobe608 I'm so sorry for all you have been through, you certainly deserved to be loved, protected and cared for as a child and you still deserve that. Not to minimize all the trauma you have suffered but I can't help but feel you are a true survivor, with resilience, strength and amazing insights. This is not easy. You seem to have good insights as to how to take care of yourself, setting limits and boundaries to protect yourself. As I am sure you know this is a time when you need to take extra special care of yourself and be gentle with yourself until this especially difficult time passes. Please don't give up hope of having the love and care you deserve, I hear a strength in you that I believe you can find the life you so deserve. Feel free to PM me if you would like to chat. Mae 💙
@helloGlobe608 You are not alone. I grew up in a family with parents but I was physically and verbally abused. In my family, I was the oldest and a girl. I was forever compared to others, including my younger brother. I was always not good enough, not pretty, not smart, not talented. Growing up during a time when physical punishment was a way of life I was hit with a belt and a stick- many times for offenses committed by my brother. As a girl, I was not permitted to go out with friends. This caused anxiety as I grew up about going out and making decisions. I was a cutter in high school. When it was discovered, my parents made a fuss at first, then quickly forgot about it. I always felt shut out from my family; unwanted and unloved.
I haven't had all of the experiences that you have. Each person is different. But I wanted to let you know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are many of us out there looking for something. Being here is a step towards something better.
Thank you for sharing your story.
