Trust and Resentment
Hi there, I'm new here and am hopeful that some of you may be able to give me some comfort in my current situation.
I'm 38f in a relationship for a year with a divorced 41m. Everything started great, flowers regularly, spent lots of time together and loved every minute of it.
Over the last few months, things have been slowly going downhill. He started taking me for granted, no flowers for 5 months, no effort to show me he cares, never does anything for me, even small things. I would cook for him a few times a week, plus an omelette and coffee every morning he stayed over. I did the typical thing that us women do, I gave more in hopes it would encourage him to do the same, but it did the opposite.
Things came to a head 6 weeks ago while we were on holiday in Cyprus with his 9 year old son. He had promised me we would have alone time every day and that he was going to plan a surprise for me, but that didn't happen. We spent 10 minutes alone the whole time we were there, he spent two days treating me like he wished I wasn't there and focused all of his energy on his son. I had paid over the odds for this holiday, I paid half so that he could afford to take his son away, with the understanding that it was my holiday too, but that's not what it felt like. He would forget me, go off for lunch without telling me and get drinks and not bring me anything. I broke down a few days before the end of the holiday, considered ending the relationship and we had a long conversation while his son was asleep, where he promised to start showing me how much he cares. Which he did, but it lasted 2 days and on the way home, he talked to me in an extremely disrespectful way in the airport in front of his son, which I made sure he knew was not acceptable and after I told him to go home and drop me off, he soon changed his tune.
We had a busy couple of weeks ahead, back to work, my brothers wedding and my cousins wedding a week apart. Things seemed OK until at my cousin's wedding where he spent the day staring at another woman, a distant relative of mine. At this point I was in total shock, he had never treated me like that before and I was ready to walk away.
The next day, after recovering from hangovers, I brought it up and explained what he had done, how he had made me feel and that I didn't trust him anymore. He felt terrible but wasn't fully willing to take accountability for it. Suggested it wasn't as much as I thought. So I told him I didn't want to see him for a week while I got myself through the initial pain of the situation and would decide what I wanted to do when my head was clear.
We had several arguments throughout that week, but when we did meet up he took full responsibility, apologised, cried and felt terrible for putting me through it and taking me for granted, promised he would change and start being the person I deserve to be with. It started off OK, not amazing, he did a few small things, but it was just a week later that we was going away with work to ibiza for 3 nights and then flying over to majorca to holiday with his friends for 3 nights.
During this time there have been two occasions where he has not kept his word, and these were things that he knew were really important to me. The last conversation we had, he clearly came to the conversation to tell me he had done something he said he wouldn't, he wasn't going to apologise, wasn't going to admit he was wrong and that him telling me absolved him of all guilt and it ended very badly. I told him the next morning that I didn't want to talk to him anymore until he gets home, which is tonight. Since then he has sent me a few nice messages, he misses me etc, which I have not replied to. I'm feeling extremely anxious about his return, we are due to go away on the 4th October for our anniversary for a secluded weekend away. I feel so dispondant about whether he is going to make any effort to change moving forward and I feel like having another conversation with him about it is pointless, as we've already done it and he hasn't listened.
During his time away, my mum found out her husband has been cheating on her with multiple young girls and has been using her inheritance money from my grandads passing to pay for their life, and she has almost nothing left. I've been cheated on in several relationships in the past also, so I struggle to trust anyway.
I don't know what to do, I don't want to lose the relationship, for the most part it has been really good. I get on well with his family and friends, as does he with mine, he is a good person deep down but I just don't know how to move forward with the resentment and trust issues I feel with him now.
On a slightly different note, he has not told me he loves me yet, which is also weighing on my mind. I've brought it up with him once and he has said he's not ready because he's only told his ex wife those words and she treated him really badly at the end, so he has issues surrounding having those feelings.
Sorry for the very long message, and I appreciate anybody who even takes the time to read it all 🙏
@BexPurlz
Have you had a deep -no limit conversation about this with him?
Sounds like he is sort of pulling away. The slowing or end of flowers and dating mode events ...are normal. A holiday with a child never goes as planned and moments alone are rare.
You seem to be on hold, the wait and see mode. If you want to save a relationship sooner is better.
I think we feel a rush at first that things go so well and that it will fall into place but the reality is relationships take a lot of work. None of those around you that look so good, just happened.
Thank you for your reply, yes we have had a real conversation about it all. He comes home last tonight so I won't be able to speak to him again until tomorrow, but I think maybe it's a good idea to have another real conversation about everything.
It doesn't feel like he's pulling away, I've been in those kinds of relationships before. It's more that he's too comfortable with how I treat him and puts no effort into making me feel cherished. And that along with all of the other things I've mentioned, and more besides, it has just made me feel so resentful.
I've stopped cooking for him and doing anything over just being his girlfriend until I see some kind of effort, he is aware of this, I'm just waiting to see the effort now. I feel very guarded towards him emotionally also, like I can't be nice or warm towards him or he will just get complacent again.
@BexPurlz
Good plan ... i think some get complacent and i too resent when i need to hint or ask outright for some kind of effort.
@BexPurlz Hi, I've read the post and I will try my best to be careful with what I say... But Ma'am your post rings red flags in my brain. It's clear that you love him and want the relationship to work. The problem is, you made it clear that he hasn't reciprocated much.
Your resentment is the testament that you are being treated unfairly. You wouldn't even feel that if it was equal.
I really hope I'm misreading his acts because your partner seems to be breadcrumbing you. He did things on a whim and once you started getting comfortable and staying thinking he has changed for the better, there it goes again, he takes you for granted. I'm relieved that you started minimizing your efforts and have a contingency plan because you deserve someone who would be glad to take care of you and is consistent and responsible when you say any of your concerns.
If he still doesn't change or be open regarding his struggles so that you can support him to heal - or at least do something to improve your relationship, you need to call it off. It might hurt but it's better than to let your resentment grow and hurt you especially if you chose to stay and the situation, while it didn't get worse, it didn't improve as well. (this is an example only, please don't take it the wrong way).
Two things can be true at once. Yes, he has been hurt in the past and that's horrible but he also has the choice and personal responsibility to heal and to not pass his hurts on you. And yes, he might be a good person deep down but he can still hurt you.
Ma'am I truly understand your feeling and I think that besides having a deep conversation with your partner, you also need to be clear to yourself that what you like about him or what types of needs are fulfilled from the relationship or what do you gain from it...I can tell that you love him so much and it hurts when somebody you trust suddenly become distant to you😭😭(I really do) but I do think that after all never saying he loves you is a red flag (at least to me it is) I wish you all the best and perhaps sometimes cutting off connections is just extremely hard but from a long term perspective if being with him no longer makes you happy, you might need to think more for yourself❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥(as sometimes people don't want to leave their partner because they have given too much)
@BexPurlz Hello. I am sorry to hear about what happens in your relationship. I imagine (and see) that being 38, experienced but still a woman in full bloom, emotional and caring - you really deserve to be in a relationship which would be great!
Certainly, you are not a toy, and should not let anybody to treat you like that. What would you think about that?
As a man I've been always angry about men who flood their new partners with flowers, because either they end badly, or they have some 'skeletons their closet' (I mean addiction problems or unresolved matters from previous relationships). However, I am thankful to a lady who had taught me to bring her fresh tulips every week, no matter she was no longer interested in being with me after a few months.
Balancing a new, important relationship with beloved children from an ended marriage can be challenging sometimes. It takes a lot of effort, care and can be full of mistakes, but I know it is manageable.
When you mentioned your partner's family, a funny thought came to my mind that a year ago I had a better (informal) mother-in-law than my partner actually was :-) I mean me and her mother shared the same values, while my partner had always been dangerously 'over the edge', for example, in a company of other man. So, I guess I know how you may feel...
Please, tell me: Do you think it is a good idea to spend time in a relationship in which you have to be constantly 'guarded'? Or maybe feeling admired, accepted and... safe... would be a better choice?
Update on this thread
Thank you to those who have commented, I really appreciate your views.
We just returned from a weekend away for our anniversary. He organised a meal at a very expensive restaurant which was lovely, we had some lovely beach walks, generally had a lovely time, but in the back of my mind the whole time was, 'when is he going to tell me he loves me'. I think I've realised that this is the main thing that is causing me so much anxiety in our relationship. Our connection seems to be fading for me, while he seems oblivious to it and keeps telling me how happy he is and what a great time he's had. I feel like his words are going over my head and I keep asking him hard questions to try to feel some sort of relief from the anxiety.
I've decided I'm going to speak with him about it tomorrow and I'm prepared to walk away. This is affecting my mental health, my daily life as well as our relationship. I cannot carry on down this path, I deserve to be with somebody who loves me and if he is not sure after a year together, I see no point continuing planning a future with him, as I see no future with someone who is not in love with me.
Sorry to hear that, why he does what he does, is as you say. Taking you for granted, I would let him know. How unhappy you are and give him an ultimatum. See if that works
Hey...is everything OK? 😟
I feel really bad for you right now. I know this was many days ago but if I were you I would ask myself if I was in love with the relationship or the man. It might be stressing at first to think on it but you need to clearly answer this.
There's this thing called a victim-saviour relationship. Where one person is so self absorbed and entitled and the other is so ready to cater to their every need.
Now I don't know the full dynamics of your relationship but from what I read this does not seem healthy.
I would actually advise you to walk away from him for a day or two, then see if you can extend that to a week, watch yourself and your attachment. See how it goes...
Then if you're comfortable enough, a month.
Sex isn't the problem, affection isn't the problem. If I should be frank I'd say this man just used you to fulfill all his selfish desires and his inner victim constantly needs a saviour. I would say walk away. But only you can honestly decide hat for yourself after spending enough time apart and enough time reflecting.
Now I also don't know if you read books but I just finished "the subtle art of not giving a ***" by Mark Manson and it was a real confidence and mindset boost for me, I listened to it on Spotify (you should totally try it). I know what it's like to feel downcast just because I love someone and it's not worth it...Stop feeling like that right now.
You're going to be ok 🫂
