Abuse or overthinking: HELP ME OUT PLEASE
Warning: Long Story Ahead!!!!!!!!
I am a 21 year old Female with bad luck when it comes to dating. I've dated a few guys over the past few years and they broke my heart badly. As a result of that I've built tall walls around my heart. I have serious trust and abandonment issues, due to which I push away anyone who tries to get close to me. I believe I need to work on these issues before I date anyone.
But fate had other plans. Since I was totally off the dating scene, I decided to join an online platform to meet and talk to new people. There I recieved a comment on my post from a guy who I thought was trying too hard to be cool. I roasted him back and we got to talking. It almost felt like we've known each other forever. We texted non-stop for two days after that. He was a dream come true. (a real gentleman indeed)
However I felt I deserve to tell him how I feel about dating before we get too involved. So the next day, I told him everything. But he shrugged it off. The next day, concerned, I decided to bring it up again and that pushed him off the edge I guess.
He started abusing me Left, Right and Centre.
He said the nastiest things to me.
I felt like I deserve to hear that because I am pushing him away. So I heard it all patiently. Then, got ready to leave. But that's when the emotional blackmail began.
Cut to 2 months later, each time I'd try to leave, he'd abuse me, blackmail me, scream at me, gaslight me, God knows what not. He controls every move of mine. Who I talk to, when I sleep, how much I sleep, eat, everything. I feel suffocated.
I almost left him once and he threatened me to kill himself. I had made up my mind though. He tells me his life is shit and I'm the only good thing in his life. But I feel terrible with him. I'm exhausted after all our conversations and I'm not even allowed to hang out with my friends without informing him. not even allowed to text them, let alone hang out.
@Aakriti07
I am really sorry you have gone through so much. I can just say you exist too in this world, there is lot to more explore in this world, don't make other people your whole life. Don't just hold on one person, if things works it is great, if not try to move on. Explore the life. Wishing you all the best :)
Thank you :)
@Aakriti07
Hi :) I'm so very sorry about everything you're going through. It's so tough and the emotional blackmail is making everything so much harder. You don't deserve any of that! Your feelings matter too and you deserve and have a right to be so happy and loved! If you need to talk or vent reach out to me anytime! :) There is also a lot of really great Listeners on here...reach out. It helps to talk about what your going through....maybe get some ideas of your options. You're important and what you want and need matter. :)
Thank you :)
I’m sorry that you have landed in the situation you are in. When I was around your age I went through a lot of the same things. I felt like I wasn’t worth much and let people treat me that way. I’m have borderline personality disorder, bipolar 2 and CPTSD so in short relationships with me are hard.
I do exactly what you do to people but that does not mean that you deserve any less from those around you. Whatever he threatens to do if you leave is not your concern because he does not care about what he’s doing to you. Isolation from your friends is absolutely abusive. It opens the door for things to get worse. It’s always hard to put yourself first but if you don’t then no one else will.
Don’t be hard on yourself for the precautions you take to protect yourself based on what you’ve been through. The people that really care will walk with you even when your at your worst. When you have trust and abandonment issues and someone finally proves they are worthy of it, the loyalty you give that person is unconditional. That is the most precious gift you can give to someone. Don’t sell yourself short.
Thank you :)
@Aakriti07
Hey.. i know it has been hard for you.. and i understand how hard it is to keep yourself sane in these situations... But you just need to know that you are not alone in this tough time... We all are here for you... We have got you... I know you're stronger than you think you are... And you can do it... I can understand very well that it's easy for us to say...
You can talk to me or any other listener any time you want...
Wishing you strength and peace and hope... 🌻🌻🌻
Thank you :)
@Aakriti07 lol these mental blackmailing games work only as young kids. so juvenile.
and you sound really innocent still - you must be from a nice home.
please take this lesson to heart that's how some male are. i call it extreme narcissism and some might say it's juvenile way of boys trying to be alpha and marking territory.
first thing you need to know is that you should've left him a long time ago - he's mentally blackmailing you and it is abuse technically. but if you put such labels on yourself, you'll end up in this victim-type thinking - which only makes things worse.
I really hope my points are getting through. since this is just a thread i've been brief and
just telling you the truth, as support i read been given by many.
so tell him you've had enough of mental abuse from him. and if he tries any thing stupid you'll have no other option but to go to your parents and to the police, no matter the outcome. he should respect your rights to choose and stop this animalistic juvenile behaviour against her.
i hope you've not shared your address.
Thank you! Can I please discuss this further with you?
Yes sure. Please free to drop me a message. I'm an active listener here.
@Aakriti07
You should have left a long time ago but you didn't know. This is a learning experience for you. One thing to bear in mind is that if you have some kind of disorder resulting from the abuse you suffered then you will often attract and "bond" with people with other disorders, who fill a gap. For example, at first his controlling behaviour might have made you feel that he "wanted you" and part of you liked it but as it develops you realise it is harmful to you. As you grow in experience you will learn to look out for this kind of "bonding" and end it quickly because no good will come of it
Thank you! I hear what you're saying. Can we talk about this please?
@Aakriti07
Sure
It hurts to cut off when you have a feeling of connection but feelings of connection are what bring people into and keep people in abusive relationships, which is what this is. It's called trauma bonding
It is far better to feel the hurt early than to stay in it and let it develop more and more. Maybe, if you had left you would have felt lonely again. Not wanting to feel negative emotions can keep us involved and unfortunately experience a worse and worse situation. So, it's a case of mind over matter, to some degree. The strength comes from saying "I am ok on my own". Knowing you can handle it gives you the power to cut off from people who are showing signs of becoming bad for you. This, in turn, will greatly benefit you in the longterm, however you have to be prepared to feel the unpleasant feelings in the short term. As you get better at it, you will find it becomes easier.
I think if you look inside and work out what you are gaining from staying in this relationship then it will make it clearer to you. For example, perhaps the controlling behaviour gives you a feeling of security, knowing someone is focused on you at all times. Maybe his threats of suicide and saying you are his whole life makes you feel wanted and special and imprtant to someone. It's okay to admit what you get from it and then you have to weigh it up against the negatives. To an outsider, it may be clear that the negatives outweigh the positives but inside you there may be a need which outweighs everything else. Unfortunately, that need is unhealthy
Heroin addicts will take heroin over everything else in their life, ruining their entire lives in the process. Why? because that heroin fulfils a need at first. It makes them feel something they have always wanted but at what cost? Later on, they realise it has ruined their life but they are addicted to it by then
So, if you can pinpoint that need that was and maybe still is being fulfilled by this guy you can then take steps to work on that need, knowing that it is not worth it.
Those are my thoughts, I'm not a professional but I am someone who was let people abuse me because I had a deep need that needed to be met, or I thought it needed to be met, so I would allow people to take advantage of me and that need, for their own purposes, causing me a lot of harm in the process
This was so so insightful! Thank you so much! I will definitely think about this and make an informed decision. Wishing strength and love for you, always!
Hey love 💜 I’m 29 female. I’ve been in this situation a few times unfortunately. It’s more common than anyone knows. I’m gonna tell you like it is.
communication really is key, without communication, it’s just wasted time. Time you could be spending building memories with someone who loves you for you and not who they want you to be.
you’re 21! You get 1 life, I know how you feel but a few years from now you will thank yourself for leaving this toxic situation.
You're right, I'm gonna take this step today and end this toxic cycle once and for all.
