Dating struggle / blocked on ig
I dated a guy 3 weeks ago. We spent a decent time together. He said repeatedly that I was pretty and that we were bonding or spending nice time. Then he said “I just want a friends with benefits kind of thing” and I was like “Jesus Christ not again, why, what’s wrong with me, I always date the same kind of guy”. I am a love addicted (I guess - I got that after my therapy). So a part of me didn’t want to lose the guy, the moment we had together…I slept with him. The sex was awesome and the moment after too. I seemed like there was more than just sex. He was very altruistic and tender. He took me home and he wrote me that my kisses were really great and the date was great too. I was sure that I would not have heard from him anymore and instead he wrote me only 20 minutes from we separate from each other. I wrote him the next morning to answer to his message and the night. I told him that I spent the day thinking about him all day long. And the day after. He answered and I answered back. After that nothing. So I panicked and I told him that friendship with benefits was not for me and that I would have liked to know him better. He said that he was ok with that but that he was not interested to know me better (because of his previously suffering relationship blabla) that the sex with me was amazing but nothing more. Then we start fighting and the conversation ended not very well. This on the chat of a dating app. I removed him from this chat after that. 5 days after I wrote him on instagram that i was very sorry about my behavior but he blocked me even without reading my message. And I was devastated from this…I felt like garbage. Any perspectives or tips, points of views?
YOU WANT: Love, relationships, emotional connection, intimacy. You're "love addicted" as your therapist puts it.
HE WANTS: Sex (that's it, plain and simple, nothing more. In fact he is explicitly avoiding anything and everything that is not just plain and simple sex). He communicated this to you in no uncertain terms.
Everyone wants to get what they want. You offered him sex, and he took advantage of that situation because everyone wants to get what they want. You felt cheap and used afterwards, because you gave him what he wanted, but didn't get what you wanted in exchange (a meaningful relationship of some kind). You knew that it was probably going to end up this way, because your intuition told you "he's just like all the other guys/you always end up dating the same guy" and also because he told you in advance that he is that guy that just wants sex. That's why you feel disappointed in yourself, because despite anticipating things would go this way, you still went ahead with it and it all turned out pretty much how you aniticipated it would.
You feel disgusted with yourself because you're not him. You want something real, and meaningful but instead you just engaged in what was essentially a meaningless sexual transaction. That contradicts what you want, what you believe in, what you value - and that's why you feel like you betrayed yourself, why you feel disappointment and disgust in yourself. It doesn't mean you are garbage. It's just your conscience telling you that you wanted something better than this meaningless sexual transaction, and that on this occasion you traded something you value (your trust, your body, your esteem, your desire to connect and to have intimacy) for something that you do not value (meaningless sex).
Find people that want the same things as you, that value the same things. Don't have sex with them until you know exactly what it is that they want, what they value, AND unless what they want is exactly the same things that you want. It is said that "We often don't get the relationships that we deserve, we get the relationships that we settle for!". So stop settling. There is a profound lesson in all of this: If you sleep with trash you will wake up feeling like garbage.
All the best with getting what you want!
CatzInTheCradle
Thank you very much. Everything you just said was so true and at the same time so sensitive and empathetic. Thank you for the time you took to give me this answer. Thank you for real. I’ll meditate about it!🌺❤️
@humorousCircle596
I wouldn't be as harsh and @CatzinTheCradle here...
I think you already suspect that sleeping with him wasn't the best idea. But, as you said, your heart was in it, you were head over heels. No matter that your brain knew it might not have been a good idea - your heart still bore hope. He said explicitly that he just wanted friends with benefits, but you felt like there was a connection, a connection that you might be able to grow. The heart starts telling your brain: "maybe if I got to just spend a little more time with them, maybe if I said this instead of that, maybe if I was funnier, or more charming, more passionate or more serious, showed them how sexy I can be, or giving, or cool..."
I know that feeling. I have been in it before. It's hard for people to understand how powerful, how overwhelming that feeling is. To be uncontrollably head over heels for someone, so much so that it consumes our every waking moment. And even after we know its it is over, despite logically knowing 'I shouldn't try reaching out', we can't help it. Because our heart still hurts, it yearns, it hopes. And it's from that hope that we end up doing things that we kinda know we shouldn't.
Love is hard. On one hand, we want to fall into love, with wild abandon. Leap into a romantic relationship and throw caution into the wind. On the other hand, the more we get older, the slower we are to jump into a relationship. We are a little more guarded, more cautious. But there isn't a set formula for love. They say, live authentically as to you who are, and don't compromise your core self in finding someone you can share your life with.
Myself, I have no good advice really. All I can do is send my best wishes.
After all, as the old song goes: "the greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return".
You can do it 😉🦾
I wish I knew someone like you in my real life. Thank you for your words. I am feeling very understood right now, and it is the only thing I really want, which is not very usual in my life. I wish you the same. Lot of love ❤️ 🌺
Thank for sharing your experience. You cannot control your feelings but you can control your actions. On this occasion his behaviour/actions werent right for you and, perhaps, your response wasn't right for him. Being vulnerable and admitting that you are open to intimacy is a brave thing to do...the emotionless connections are so much easier and less fulfulling. If you want intimacy then respect yourself, expect that respect from others and, if you are not treated how you deserve, respectfully step away from the situation. You deserve to build relationships on your terms.
Thank you very much for your perspective! The matter about giving and receiving respect is a healthy guideline that I am trying to observe despite my problems and limits.
Thank you again!
Hi. I’m really sorry because you had to go through this and i’m sure it caused you a lot of pain. My point of view is that love is actually a conscious chouse, so you picked him to give him your love, while he picked you only for sex. Although i’m a guy, i don’t believe that we should take sex lightly, since is a gift we can share with someone who we really love and who really loves us. Try not to rush it in the future. But instead know that person, take time to put the important questions, test his love and then decide for yourself if that relationship it’s worthwhile of your time or not. We can consciously choose to love someone or not, and we should love him for the right reasons. This is just an insight, so take it as a reflection. I’m not saying that is your fault, but you can try this as a protection mechanism. Trust me, if someone really loves you, will wait as long as possible to be intimate with you. Take care!
Yes! Your advice makes totally sense! So appropriate, so rational. I hope to find the right path in which I can learn how can be a better person in order to be healthier for myself. I am thinking about it, I am still gonna think about it. Thank you very much! Really!
For sure you are gonna make it!
I have been there and felt many of the same emotions you have. I have learned and hope you do too - that it's okay to want what you want. Your needs and desires are just as important as the next person and you don't have ever have to compromise who you are or what you want for someone else. Instead of looking at it as rejection, look at is as "protection in disguise." Losing someone who couldn't give you what you wanted, was likely to save you heartache in the future!! Who knows what emotional turmoil was in store for you. Take the lesson for what it was and move forward. You're deserving and AWESOME!
Thank you very much for your words, your emphaty and your sweetness.💕
Having strong emotions is normal but, is it the right person? Before going into any relationship you have to value yourself and love yourself, since heart can easily be broken but hard to mend. We all have to see our worth no matter what, we can't allow love and emotion to control us like a car if not we might crash but we have to tell ourself am your leader am the one telling you what to do not you telling me how to do it. Fall and love the right person who value you for who you are who have the same mindsets and goals as you who value your interests and heart as important than himself. Who will cover your tears with umbrella and pain with balm, who will bandage any difficulty and always see you as the morning star. Love yourself before having strong emotion...