Frustrated with coping the loss of my mom
My mom could be cruel at times. One of the last things she told me is that I'm a "stupid brainwashed moron". She used to send me garbage in the mail. Once even going so far as to take a photo of a bunch of garbage arranged as something and to tell me I was in the photo. I felt like she was calling be garbage. She said I was blowing it out of proportion and being too sensitive. Others say it was a creative art choice and I should be proud for her to be my mother and for her to use garbage to portray me. She used to cut pictures of garbage bags off garbage boxes and send them to me as a post card, or send me letters written on shoe insert guides with the old packaging stuffed in there envelope. Sometimes she would send me gifts of baby toys because she thinks of me as a child still and she wants grandkids. I cannot have kids. This was just downright offensive, and I couldn't ever tell if she was calling me a child or of she was nagging me for grand kids which she knew I could not give her. Nobody knows what to say to me about my relationship with her. Now that she's gone I'm a little glad she's gone but I feel so guilty for doing so because she was my mom. I'm sad a lot, depression symptoms coming back again. I'm seeing a therapist but that's a slow process you finish the intake and I think I just want to not feel so alone in this, but I'm an only child. My dad flat out told me he is disinterested in helping anyone other than himself with trying to process any kind of emotion. My husband doesn't know what to do and I just feel so lonely. It's affecting my relationship with my husband because we're not communicating well anymore. He's not understanding what I say often and I'm frustrated. He's checking out and just on his phone all the time working his butt of but making no money and bills are piling up and I'm overwhelmed in general. Please just someone tell me you've been through grief and financial strain during covid isolation and that it gets better because I'm not seeing how life is going to do anything other than get worse. Tldr; I'm struggling with my mother's death because she was mean to me and I feel like it's bringing up old wounds and self esteem issues she caused. This is causing relationship issues with my husband. My husband is coping by ignoring me and I'm lonely, isolated, overwhelmed and bills are piling up.
@unassumingHuman8249 Hello, I can understand why you feel both relief and guilt with her being gone. When we're young, we're "taught" who to love. Whether they deserved our love or not. We often feel a sense of loyalty to family. I think in some ways it's harder being an only child because it's often just us with our parents. Without any siblings, there isn't anyone else there that could possibly stand up with us. It's our word aginst theirs, as parents often stick together. Other adults tend to believe other adults, especially if they're family. I've found that you can love someone but still not like them as a person.
She sounds abusive in my opinion. While some people may say she was being creative, I tend to agree with your thinking and it was cruel of her to do the things she did. It can be hard for people to know what to say sometimes because they haven't gone through the things you have. That could be the case with your husband. Some people seem to think that things should just be gotten over but it isn't that easy. The pain and the wounds don't just go away. There are so many emotions that need to be processed.
A lot of what you're feeling right now could be because nothing was resolved and you have no closure. Her last words to you were cruel and now you're left to sort through a lifetime of hurt that she gave you. Unfortunately, it's going to take you time to heal from the wounds you have, but you can heal. Have you given any thought to checking out the Trauma Community here? You'll find people there very supportive and understanding. It could help with the loneliness and help you on your path to healing.
I think there are many people going through similar things since the start of this virus. Things need to get closer to the way they were because people are genuinely suffering right now. The fear of paying bills, even just buying groceries is something I think a lot of people can understand, they may not want to admit it though. It is overwhelming though.
Try to be patient with yourself as you grieve and heal. Remember, there are people here that you can reach out to. You don't have to go through this alone.
Fisher
I can suggest you the best therapist in the world. I was going through anxiety and depression and Jesus healed the wounds of my soul. When our soul is wounded than also our mind and body start showing bad symptoms. Don't think anymore of what your mom has done to you, just forgive her and go ahead with your life. Few years ago when I prayed to Jesus to set me free from addictions, depression and anxiety he did it, but first I had to forgive others. It's not easy but it's the only way. You can continue to go to therapists but in most cases they prescribe medications which only alleviate the problem for a bit and then the problems arises bigger than before. So give your life to Jesus and you will find peace and calm even during tribulations. Peace be with you
