I feel like everything's going wrong
Hi, sorry, I am new here, don't really know how all this works yet, and it took me a few days to just gather the strenght to create this post.
So I am a 36yo female, living abroad, with noone here to turn to, not even my couple. I have a few friends but I am an introvert and don't like showing emotions so I won't share too much with the ppl I have around, not to bother them, as I always feel they have their own problems to deal with and they don't need any more drama in their lives.
I've been diagnosed with depression years ago after I moved to this country and started studying at the university without knowing the language, but I've coped quite well since then. I eventually finished up learning the language in less than a year and managed to finish my studies here and even did post-grad and started a PhD. I had a stable job in my field and belonged to an investigation group at the local university. Everything was going the way I wanted.
!!TW - miscarriage mentioned!!
Right before the pandemics in January 2020 I got pregnant and we were soooo happy (It was something me and my SO were looking for a while) but lost it soon after (end of February). All I heard from the obgyn was that 'at least now I know I can get pregnant' and got sent at home without any psychological help and still bleeding from the miscarriage. This led to me starting to develop anxiety and panic attacks.
When the lockdown started in the country un March 2020 I soon found out that I am going to be losing my job (right after my boss shared with us his wife was pregnant and sent us his baby ultrasonido on WhatsApp) which triggered my panic attacks even more.
Since then Ive been looking for a job, here, in different cities and abroad but can't seem to find one or even get a single interview, which only made me feel more useless.
In October 2020 I got pregnant again and once again lost it, this time even earlier and got blamed by the emergency obgyn for being overweight.
That's when my SO also lost his job and we've been surviving since then on whatever help the country would give us but now that's over and we are already running out of options, with no sights on futuro job opportunities.
My depression has been getting real bad these months, but after how I got treated by the doctors with both my miscarriages I can't seem to get myself to visit my doctor and ask for a psychiatric evaluation. I also hate the feeling of exposing my feelings in front of anyone, writing this post seems to be the most I've forced myself to do.
!!TW!!
I even got to concider suicide as my only option to stop this feeling of being useless but I know I won't self harm, it's just been running through my head a lot lately, I don't even know how to explain It, really.
I don't really have questions about this, just needed to share and maybe hear what others think about the whole thing. I am really sorry for this super long post that doesn't get anywhere really.
Thank you for reading.
A
I'm a newbie here too
I can actually relate to you...
I had a miscarriage in 2020 during a lockdown in our state & was ill treated by medical staff at my local hospital.
I went into a heavy depression that year it even tore my partner & I apart as I also pushed him away.
blamed myself 100%
I'm a very passionate, emotional being & deep down a sensitive soul, although with that being said I too hate showing emotion, so I usually keep it all bottled up & this is still not working for me... still trying to learn coping mechanisms.
As instead of getting sad now or showing emotion I just get mad & this is way worse because people run in fear when I get angry.
In reality anger can be a mask for depression but those close won't see that unless they too have experienced a similar type of depression.
My sister had over 19 miscarriages & 1 stillborn baby
Though she has 5 very much alive & healthy children.
I have a friend whom had 14 miscarriages & has 3 live healthy children.
It took years to find out they both had blood clotting disorders that could be corrected with medication.
Have an infertile friend who later end up adopting a baby.
It may be something minor or medical you can fix up or sometimes in sone cases the embryo was deformed & your body rejected it... doesn't mean it's your fault could of even been faulty sperm or just the stress you're going through & possible it's just not your time yet.
The results of damaged sperm from my ex husband resulted in a 16 year old disabled child whom needs around the clock supervision... again not complaining here just stating there are reasons why miscarriages happen... so, so many factors.
I'm concerned that you haven't been given any psychological help or no one's looked into the why's or reasoning for miscarriage, I sincerely hope you get that
I don't tell you all this for empathy on my end I have delt with this via a psychologists.
I tell you because THIS IS NOT THE END OF YOUR STORY
It's up to you but when things stabilise financially therefore less stress in your life too.
Do not give up, if it's a baby you want you can try again, my sister did, my friend & I did.
You are not alone I promise alot of women experience this tragic loss & we all deal differently.
I hope things get better for you & sending new job opportunities & positive financial gain waves yours & your partners way... 🙏✌️😘