Married w/ kids thinking of starting over....
Anyone out there in a long marriage that has dried up, no more passion, or love, basically just roommates raising kids together...thinking for a long time to leave the marriage and start a new life, new adventure...Do I take the leap? Will it hurt my kids? Is it worth it?
Hello! It sounds complicated but don't feel sad about pursuing your own happiness, of course it would be horrible and sad for all of you, but I think that will pass and it will heal over the years, it is for the best in the end ... sometimes people don't nothing about it and you are left in an unhappy place / relationship and the feeling of "what if ..." will haunt you forever. and I think that if it is worth it because that unhappiness can lead to infidelities or other ways of hurting each other, it is better that each of you can be with someone who makes you happy again
@Kmm25
I too feels same.
@Scottish333
Well my friend, I have a VERY long story posted somewhere here in this forum. I'm totally pro-marriage.
There are several numerous podcasts on marriagehelper.com. These folks are amazing at what they do. I myself am dangling not sure where wife is going with "grown apart" reasoning. 3 kids involved. She left Sept. 2019.
Another good podcast or YouTube video is from Leila Miller. If you're not religious, please disregard her views from a religious perspective. She has awesome insight.
Esther Perel is also a world renowned therapist and speaker on YouTube.
Hope this helps and gives more clarity about your future, kid's futures, and lastly, your family's future.
Give it a try, it can't hurt. I'd be interested to know how things work out for you.
Take care.
@G01ngPaga1
@scottish333 I hear what you’re saying, but anytime my friends have attempted this, it has never ended well. Yes, it will wreck your kids. And although it sounds great, it is so incredibly hard to find passion and love later in life. I wonder what ways you might start anew without blowing up the whole thing. Even living separate lives is preferable to splitting up at this point, in my opinion. Sometimes the message in the media or society is that our integrity or happiness trumps all, that we deserve this so we should do it. But if it’s at the expense of hurting your loved ones, it doesn’t seem worth it.
@koln
Awesome insight. 👌
Over 20 yrs in & I now have just a roommate. She's a good person, we just don't physically mesh
@intuitiveTurtle8765
Has enough effort and working on the marriage been exhausted? I once heard it's so much easier to quit vs. trying. Many have hundreds of reasons to work on the marriage and stay together and yet they look for that one reason to exit.
Others have a hundred valid reasons to exit the marriage being (safety from physical, mental, or emotional abuse), addiction of some sort where safety, money is being moved around only to satisfy habits, or there is infidelity, adultery, cheating, affair (emotional turning to physical called "Limerence") and these spouses still standing for the marriage look for that one reason not to exit the marriage.
Worst reasons I believe to destroy a contract two people made to each other are:
1. Lacking of communication
2. Lack of sex (Intimacy is a better word)
3. We've grown apart-No longer growing together
4. Marriage has become boring
Above was in psychologytoday.com.
Another saying is when contemplating divorce or separation, it's not something that happens overnight but a gradual process. Meaning you keep running to the edge of the cliff but don't jump, then once the mind is made up, you jump! Now-Divorce process has begun. Do your homework, all it's implications, and at the end of it all, be happy with your decision. No regrets, no looking back. She may want the same thing.
Speaking from experience. I’m struggling with my now teenagers after the divorce and I can not be happy in my new relationship that is also ending now. It’s like I can’t never be happy because my kids aren’t because it isn’t their dad. It’s a lot a lot of elements that play into their outcome in life. I now wish, I stayed out in the stable situation I had though I too was just roommates with their dad, but there was domestic violence so I left. But, I wish I would have stayed single and never gotten into a relationship and moved so much because on top of the divorce it affected my kids more and having to live out of back packs as they went from one home to the next it took a toll on them too, two different homes was so hard on them. I know we have a right to be happy, but we also have a responsibility to our kids the moment we chose to have them, so they do come first as far as their happiness and when they are old enough to understand they too will respectfully want your happiness and respect you and appreciate you for making their happiness first once your there then you can finally be happy .. (wishful thinking) but I believe it’s possible. If you can stay home long enough to get to the point your kids are mature enough to understand the divorce and the changes.. if you don’t have domestic violence in your home. If you have stability financially and your kids are doing well.. by all means take advantage of that calm while you can.. it’s been an endless struggle for me. I got into this app because I’m lost and seek inspiration and motivation and growth and some to vent to and listen too. I wish you and your family the best no matter what you do!
Looks like there are many in this boat. Let me know if you need a friend.
