Need some tips
Hi all,
Just wanted to share my story and get some tips about the current situation I am in.
I am 38, got a great partner, good job, many friends, loving family ...
I aslo have a history of clinical depression. About 20 years ago I had a really heavy depression. Had therapy, took meds and got better. During the years I had some small relapses but not as heavy. Doctors decided to keep me on a low dosage of anti depressants, which worked fine for me.
This year, we have a lot on our plate. We are remodelling our house, we are getting married this summer, we are in the proces of trying to have a baby (through IVF). Also work has been really stressful.
Last week it just got too much and I decided to book a small holiday (leaving tomorrow). I was feeling negative and tired. Last weekend my friends organised my bachelor party. Next day when I woke up I got the news from my girlfriend our latest IVF attempt (2 days before) failed and I just crashed.
Stayed in bed for about 3 days, didn't go to work. Immediately went to the doctor who upped my dosage while sending my therapy (later today).
I am not spending my days in bed anymore. Try to take some walks with the dog, do some things around the house. Prepare dinner and such.
However, there is a constant feeling of anxiety for future events. Like leaving for holiday tomorrow (which should be a good thing) gets me all worked up because I see myself lying in bed just being depressed when we get there. The fear of not being able to restart work when we get back is the same thing. Fear of not being ok by the time we get married, and so on ...
These feelings get less intense during the day. I also have a really small dosage of benzodiazepines, which I try to avoid. Am only taking 1/3 of the prescribed dosage a day. It does help a bit to take the edge off.
I feel like I just caught it in time before going into something really bad. I am feeling down, but not feeling depressed the way I did in the past.
However, it would help me greatly if I could just get some tips about how I can stay in the present, take it day by day. I am losing my energy thinking about situations which will almost always turn out another way then in my mind. Still, I can't relativize these thoughts.
Any tips would be very welcome, also for my partner, on how to deal with this.
I think focusing on gratitude helps in circumstances like these. Yes, there may be some things that are bringing you down, but you shouldn't focus in on them with a microscope. That will just obscure your vision of what is good in life. Your girlfriend's struggles with pregnancy is something you can't control and neither can she. There's nothing you can really do to help that.. but you still love her regardless, if she is never able to produce a child for you, right? At least enough to make a life long commitment to her such as marriage.
You have a house that you are fixing up and investing in; not just for your future, but your wife's and (hopefully) your children's future. You have a great job, as you said, that hopefully fulfills you financially and in morale. It may sound callous, but you shouldn't take time off just because something outside of your control made you feel depressed. I can't say from experience, but maybe a death in the family would be my only exception. I'm only saying this because a good job, that you like and you're passionate about, is worth keeping. I'm sure you see many other people on these forums that would do almost anything to be in your shoes.
I think that's the core of what I'm trying to get across. Instead of having thoughts about what will make your life worse; try to ignore those thoughts (as much as you can. I know it's easier said than done) and focus on what you're grateful for. You have a house when at the same time many people are renting and are at the mercy of their landlord to treat them fairly. You have a fiance when at the same time many people are desperately single and lonely. You have a great job when at the same time many people wish they could just leave work early, so they just don't have to commit to being there 40 hours a week because they hate it and hate themselves for not being able to do something better.
Try looking for the positives in life. I believe that is the key to BEING happy and not miserable. The responsibility of being strong for your partner, your family, and your friends rests on your shoulders. That's where it belongs!
Do you want to look back on life and see a person that crumbled under pressure or would you rather see someone who persevered and remained hopeful til the end? You've made it to the age of 38. That's something. Just for some perspective, my biological father died at the age of 19 due to a car accident. I'm 25 now and I feel like everyday I'm just lucky to be alive. I hope these words give you the courage and motivation you need to be successful and to be the rock your partner needs.
Best wishes, Cain
@Cain96
thanks man. Beautiful words with which I can work.
I didn’t want to come over as a spoiled brat :-)
I am very grateful of the things I have and have achieved in life. That is why I have the feeling that what I am going through is not rational. My telling my personal information was just to make this point…
Since my post I have restarted therapy and it feels good.
I thank you for the subtle but necessary kick in the butt.
Sorry to hear about your dad. I have no words … like you say, puts things in perspective.
How are you doing right now?
