help please
m 30 years old and my entire 20s I have been in a relationsship with my best friend. I know him since im 3. Our fathers were best friends and went to war together.
2020 we wanted to go to australia for a year, quit our jobs and our apartment, then covid happend.
Both had to move back to our parents. We went through very hard times in 2020 and after many fights and hurtful things that happend i ended the relationsship end of 2020.
January 2021 my grandfather (who is like a father to me) got diagnosed with cancer.
My ex tried very hard to win me back and because i t was my birthday and the situation of my grandfather i let him back in and to be honest i needed that emotional support. But somehow i had that strange feeling to ask him if he has something to tell me about our 7 year relationsship i nedd to know... He told me he cheated on me 4 years ago.... UFFFFF
My world once again fell apart... the condition of my grandfather got worse. and i just got a new job after covid.. so i was so overwhelmed with my life. He kept trying to make things work but i turned cold and pushed him away because i didnt wanted to deal with all the emotions. April 2021 my grandfather died. and the whole summer i was alone because i wanted to be alone. I worked came home ate something netflix and very often alcohol to keep me company and distract me with my pain. august / september my ex finally gave up and that woke me up.. I tried to call him drunk but he didnt answer and well.. i said many bad words to him. The next morning he called me 6x but i was asleep, when i called him back he sounded cold and just wanted to make sure that im ok... at the the end he told me that he doesnt know anymore how to fix it and we ended the call.
Since then i never heard of him again.
December i found out through friends that is dating someone new. Once again my world fell apart. I wrote him a text to never ever contact me again and that he wont have a chance to ever contact me again and blocked him everywhere.
the whole year 2022 i hear from our friends that he doesnt love her. that he is unhappy and not feeling good about the situation.So reached out in march to him, told him that i cant make peace with it the way things ended. After 3 days he answered and said that he to think about it and he is still not sure and then told me a day when... I was so dissapointed by this answee that i canceled it and told him that i dont need this conversation anymore.
last week they begged me to contact him once again .. because after one year we both feel lost without each other and say that Im his love of his life but too afraid to reach out and waiting for signs blabla
I cant sleep anymore, i dream of him every night.. i still cant make peace with it. im deeply hurt
what should i do ? please please if someone can really answer me i would really appreciate it.
When the two of you find peace with each other.. what's stopping you both from a much needed reunion? let past stay in past that's where it's supposed to be. Don't complicate things anymore.. Go ahead restablish contact with him, Good things are in store for you.
All the best🤝
One Amongst You ❤️
@oneamongstyou285
Thank you so much for yours words ❤️
@emotionalGrapefruit1987 Hello. Please allow me share some reflection.
I find that some factors ought to be present, in order for reconnecting (generally speaking) to be fruitful. I will give some questions from the top of my head, that perhaps will help to reflect on.
1. What do either of you hope to be for one another? Is the end hope that you reconcile romantically?
If the answer is "yes" from the both of you, you (both) ought to find an efficient way to heal the pain from your shared past. At least in regards to each other.
If either of you easily find yourselves triggered from past pain, note the risk of words coming out in hurtfull ways. Old hurt has the potential of setting a couple back, every time they have an argument. This is something to be aware of, and potentially address.
2. This is a tough question. In the event that the both of you do wish to reconcile as a couple, are either of you ready to face the possibility of it not working out?
Please forgive this confrontational question. I present it, because it can be useful to reflect on how such an event will affect you, if it should occour. Are you in a mental state where you can tolerante the stress that comes with a break up? Do you currently have enough external, or internal support in place?
Please know I am not predicting anything. Reconciling can go both ways, and so I believe it can be useful to be aware of that possibility.
3. Do one of you want friendship?
If this is the case, I believe it is important that the other party reflect on their long term hopes. If one secretly is wishing for romantic reconciling, and the other is not, that can be a bumpy road.
4. Do both of you want friendship? Do you want this permanently, or for the time being?
Perhaps, in this given moment, both of you wish to establish a friendship to test the waters. Perhaps you don't want to dive right back into romance. If that is the case, I would still encourage reflection on long term wishes, and to discuss this with each other.
Friendship is the base of any romantic relationship. Perhaps you want to explore this stage together, once again. If you do, I believe you will benefit from asking additional questions:
4. Are you ok with them dating other people?
5. Would your relationship benefit from other boundaries? For example, if you are to explore friendship first; is it ok to hug, kiss? Or could you benefit from limiting physical intimacy for a time period?
No matter what type of relationship you do decide to pursue, I believe most success is derived from being on the same page. Some questions may be painful to reflect on. I believe they can help guide oneself in such a sitatuation, after all.
I hope these questions can assist you with some inner guidance. Very best wishes.
@emotionalGrapefruit1987 We sometimes push people away because we are feeling upset but when that (pushing them away) is not really what we want, rather we want some emotional discomfort to go away. There are several points in the description of your history where it appears you are setting hard boundaries. Like you really missed him, but when you found out he was dating you blocked him and said you never wanted to talk to him again. If you want him to come back, maybe you might need to demonstrate to him that it is a safe place for him to come back to. It sounds like you both miss and love each other. When you asked him if there was something he wanted to tell you about the relationship, when he told you he cheated, I am sure you were looking for something else. But in your question at that time, were you saying to him, “this is a safe place to tell me about your commitment to our relationship.” I mean, he shouldn’t have cheated, and obviously it was probably devastating for you to hear that, but you asked. Maybe he thought the honest answer would preserve the relationship. So how do both of you make the relationship a safe place for each other, and can you do that as a couple or as friends? — Wishing you the best
@helpfulAvocado7912
Thank you so much for taking your time and answer me.
I really really appreciate it you dont know how.
I had a loooong phonecall with one of our besties, she sits right in the middle
between us.
I told her that I might approach him again and what the best way is to do it.
She and her husband immediatly said just "surprise" him at home. So he has no
other chance to face it or to overthink again... because he is very very anxious
about me jsut like Iam.
But there was on part that made me very unsure about this all again ..
I thought that he is just with her because he cant be alone.. and the timing
was just perfect for him and her to find each other, because we both were already
finished, just like you said before.
BUT He thinks (we are both christian people) that God might sented her to him because
she is christian, serving the same church and is very business focused like he is.
He told our friend that "on paper" she can be a match for him but well the
emotional side is not there. So he is so confused what is the right thing to
do or to say it better which woman sees god for him ?
THe part of missing me, have the desires with me etc. is it from god or the devil?
was she sent from god or the devil ? And without ego, I get that. I was in the same
place like he was last year when he tried to win me back. And i was so sure that
he wasnt the one and god has someone else for me. Someone specific to be honest..
but turned out that wasnt the case at all. So I dont know what your relationsship
is with god and maybe you think now thats is all BS, but all this makes everything more
complicated.
And a big problem was his time, because he is trying to built a business he has
not so much time now. He still made a lot of effort to still make some time with me
but well last year, he had no chance to win me back. I was just so over it.
But as I said his new GF, seems to be more easier now with all this.
But she feels that he is still in love with me, she asked him if Sam(me) would be
standing in front of your door, Im sure i will be gone for you...
So yeah.. she knows whats up.
But Im so confused now!!! i dont want to get involved in a love triangle and i
dont want to proof him that Im the right woman.. I stood by him for 10 years..
I was loyal and faithful the whole time.. and it really really hurts me that a woman
who is still and almost a stranger to him, can question him, who is right one ?
I get that he has fear to go back with me, i have the same, will the old drama
start again and distract him from his life goals, did he let go of the wrong woman
who god sent him etc.
But... oh well sorry for the long text. But im SO SO SO confused and hurt and i just
want this nightmare to end. Im so over it to be inbetween waiting or letting go.
I have no fear to face him but i have fear of the outcome. I dont want a man who
is unsure about me.. even when a lot of ego is also talking right now.
@emotionalGrapefruit1987 I certainly would be distressed in your shoes. Absent a divine revelation for what you should do in this situation, you are left with uncertainty and risk. I would suggest you be gentle with yourself and face the uncertainty and risk as a normal phenomenon, as part of being human. Slow down the stories playing in your head about the history that brought you here or the future consequences. When you hear yourself thinking, “I should have”, or “I could have”, or “He should have”…pause, pay attention to the present moment. If you can practice some mindfulness meditation, it may really help. I assume that aside from feeling upset about your relationship, that you are safe and have eaten and have a place to sleep. That means you are safe. That means you don’t have to run, or hide or fight. But when we are anxious, that is kind of how our brains react. Slowing down and acknowledging that at this moment, we are safe, is an act of self love. It’s also an attractive quality to develop in order to attract a mate. — Wishing you peace and happiness
@helpfulAvocado7912
thank you ❤️
I would say talk about your emotions thoughts and what you've been going through with each other. Leave the past in the past if he loves and cares about you he would apologize for cheating also. I know things got messy bit I you guys can work through your issues and you have the ability to overcome them. If he hasnt contacted you in a while I would say reach out to him . If he keeps ignoring your calls and text messages I would say wait until he contacts you back ask him what his intentions with you are.if both of you still care about each other and value the relationship/friendship then please dont give up on each other .I wish you guys the best🙏💜
