My universe is very fragile right now

42 male with self-inflicted trauma from past addictions. Ruined my life and nearly every single relationship when I lost my drivers license for life due to multiple DUIs. Yes, for life. My fiancé stuck by me while I was in jail for 4.5 months but nothing has been the same since as I became more of a burden overnight. I was easier to deal with when I was drinking. Also, my son quit talking to me a few months ago, I got demoted at work recently, my step mom has terminal breast cancer and my dad has a degenerative brain disease. Karma is very real. I’m either bracing for a tumultuous 2nd half of my life or looking for an early out.

2.5 years sober. I know sobriety isn’t supposed to be easy but I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I don’t have a full on desire to drink or do drugs which is huge but I’m more sad being sober. My relationship with my fiancé is now on the rocks and it’s tough to navigate. We have an amazing house and my relationship with her son has been better than ever. He’s probably the only relationship trending towards positivity. Should her and I split, I will want to move somewhere more walkable than the suburbs we’re living in. And that means an entirely new city. Which also means walking away from my son.

I’ve been in weekly therapy via video calls for the past month. My therapist is awesome but the only thing I get out of it is temporary stress relief by cleaning out my closet. He highly recommends meditation but I haven’t seen benefits from it yet. It doesn’t make sense for me to “see my thoughts” when all I want to do is forget everything about myself. My thoughts are overpowering. My self-pity and anger is overpowering. Every time I get a little ray of happiness something else brings more darkness.

I was fortunate to have experienced Ayahuasca but my experience was very dark. The good thing is that it removed a huge block. The bad thing is it when it removed that huge block it showed me everything I need to work on which is overwhelming.

I seriously believe if I didn’t lose my license for life that I would be able to overcome everything else. I cannot get past this *** though. There is NO chance for a full license ever again even though I am reformed. I know I have to “serve my time” but I don’t know how. I’ve tried gratitude but I’m not as thankful for anything as I am sad and mad about my license. I don’t know how to get past this.

I don’t know what I expect to get from this post. I think this is further cleansing of the closet just to talk and be heard. My fiancé doesn’t say it but she’s tired of hearing it. I don’t blame her. She doesn’t deserve to have me as a burden. I can no longer pick up my son and take him hiking with me or take him to the baseball field and throw pitches for him. I’m lost and I don’t want to be here. This isn’t a call for help or a woe is me story, it’s pure frustration and aggravation. It’s embarrassment. It’s sadness. I don’t control my mind, it controls me.