Different “levels” of being alone?
I never realized until now that there are many different “levels” (best word I can think of) of being alone. I have been alone on a lot of different levels throughout my life.
Being alone while surrounded by people, including those you consider for and family. Feeling alone because of who you truly are and because of societal judgement and hatred you have to hide who you are. Then as time passes because of this loneliness is ingrained in you and being any part of society and the judgement and double standards and the violence begins to scare you so bad that you suffer anxiety attacks whenever someone comes near your home.
Then life hands you another envelope, and you open it to find that your time is running out, Not a when but it might be soon or it may be slow and miserable. Then you realize that being alone has hit an all time low, You pushed everyone away because of your beliefs and now at the end when you need human contact/support and maybe even love(whatever that is) I am not sure about the love thing but having someone there to help with the struggles and such., you are left with a pit of loneliness that makes the situation unbearable.
Then you resort to coming to a place like this to put your feelings down in print in the last hope that even though it is too late for you , your words may in some way help someone else who is struggling. And that they will seek help early on and not suffer everyday for decades like you have.
I accept my fate, I am disappointed in myself for getting to this point before it sunk in that I am all alone in every imaginable way due to my decisions made by my beliefs.
But it is what it is and I can’t change that, I have tried to put forth the false front of positivity when I am forced to be in public, but now I am struggling to even care enough to get up and go to work. I know I am a whiner, I have put myself here, I am reaping what I have sown. I deserve all this suffering and pain. I deserve all that is coming. So I should just shut up and take it. It still doesn’t change the fact that I am experiencing new levels of being alone every day.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Hey, it sounds like you’re dealing with some expected challenges. You developed ways to protect yourself, and perhaps those methods had some drawbacks socially. I don’t hear what you are saying as “whining,” you’re saying that you’re suffering. When you say you deserve this suffering, do you really? I don’t believe that is true. We can internalize messages from others and turn those on ourselves. Society can set up expectations of success and worthiness that are a bit heartless. You have been dealt bad cards, you did your best - unless future you visited past you and warned you and you did not listen, you did your best. Past is past. You can start now, to be your best ally. Forgive yourself for what you did and failed to do because beating yourself up is unnecessary added suffering. It takes some work, learning how to be good to ourselves. It’s worthwhile work. You’re here, you’re pushing ahead, you’re headed in the right direction.
— All the best
Thank you, I want to respond to this but I am not up to it right now.
@helpfulAvocado7912 Thank you, I am so grateful for people like you. You help keep me moving. I’m not a positive person and I’m trying to be but I accept that I am destined to be this way which makes people like you all the more special. Please keep sharing your compassion and kindness with others you are truly appreciated.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami. Hi the 50plus community has discussions. I find them helpful for loneliness. I hope to see you sometime.
Fifty Plus Discussions (all ages 18 and over welcome) https://www.7cups.com/forum/50OverCommunity_193/TeamToolsandTeamUpdates_1705/50plusDiscussionsScheduleandTopics_207920/
@adventurousBranch3786 Thank you again for the suggestion, I did try and join in a couple of these style discussions and it was too overwhelming for me . Not that it matters to you, I just wanted to let you know I did take your suggestion to heart and tried to go that direction. Thank you.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami. A lot of people prefer the forums to the discussions. I just wanted to invite you in case you would like it. But of course you should do what is most comfortable for you. ❤️
@adventurousBranch3786 Thank you again. I appreciate the suggestion. In fact I just tried another one and didn’t stay , too confusing, I read a response to me and by the time I type a response too many conversations I can’t handle that
@adventurousBranch3786 I am grateful for your suggestions. I do try and think through the suggestions and comments people direct my way.
Thank you for the suggestion, I’ll think about it but I probably won’t join in. I’m too “selfish” with my issues and emotions and have too negative an attitude to any positive contributions to a setting like that. I think it’s probably better for me to just keep doing what I’m doing and writing about things that I feel I need to write down.
I have serious concentration issues that may get a lot worse. That also scares me to be a part of a group discussion because I will literally forget what I just said/typed and then have to reread everything to try and refocus on the current topic. Every time this happens I lose a little more of myself, It is annoying, scary and frustrating, I get mad at myself and the direction I was headed was a wasted attempt at a trip.
Thank you very much , I really do appreciate all those that have responded and reached out, it means more to me than anyone will ever know.
Every level is just as miserable as the others