Daily ramblings 2
I having problems posting to other thread so trying a new one.
I, like millions of others, struggle with the age old question of…. What is the point?
However, when that question is racing in my thoughts literally lapping the rest of the thoughts racing through there also. This goes on all day and all night, week after week, month after month, year after year. It is a difficult thing to ignore or block.
The time has come that I am beginning to believe it.
Nobody reads this one so I might start posting here. That way I could ramble and nobody will bother to look here.
I don’t mind people reading and responding to my posts. I just am so far gone that I don’t know how to respond, It seems that I am now overflowing with negativity. I am wallowing in self hatred and I see their responses and they twist their meanings around to make it seem like they are only contacting me out of pity , and that I am just a make them feel better project. I am just a bag of bones waiting for the day they can be returned to the earth. I am swallowed up deep in this bottomless sea of darkness. All I see is the darkness. All I taste , tastes the same as everything else. All I touch means nothing because feeling is gone. Everything smells the same. I hear only the noise in my head. I know truly living is out of the question. The quality of life will be void when my mind is gone quality is gone as well. So which one has a better outcome. Dark thoughts? Yes, but valid questions considering…
This brain thing is relatively new, but everything else has been going on for decades . Everyday battling thoughts of ending it all, all day everyday. Invading my thoughts. Showing me everyday that I am not like everyone else, that my destiny will never entail happiness or joy, will not have any true emotions or meaning. Everyday since I was in grade school (first of second grade).
Fast forward to now, that prophecy has proven true. So why why should or would I believe anything different?
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
I get what you are saying completely. I connected towards the end about not being like everyone else and I love the poetic tone you set. I have many SH scars and no matter how "accepting" everyone may act it feels like they don't get it and I still get stared at in a way that makes me hate myself even more. Instead of finding healthier coping mechanisms I cut more and add to the problem. I feel like we could help each other get out of our respective ruts.
Reach out if you want to and if not I get it
Much love - KM
@Iamwhoiamwhoam
I understand the dark ditch you are in that you can no longer dig yourself out of. The strength, the Will, the hope, the health, the fortitude, the reason… you no longer have these branches of help to latch onto. You just don’t. You just can’t. Complete misery is something most people just don’t get. They don’t understand. This darkness takes your breath away the pain and shame is suffocating but you don’t die. People just really can’t comprehend this misery……but omg what if they did! That would be extremely terrible too. That would mean your deep secret you would be exposed….
I secretly want the kindness and support that this community has shown to me. I am human(I think) after all. I just don’t feel worthy of it. I can’t return to them that which they give to me. That is not fair to them. I know I need the support that they reach out to me with. I just believe that it’s better for them to stay away from the extremely toxic negativity that flows from my pores
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
hard to understand that deep deep deep down you do know you are, or you were, a good person and you just don’t understand why you ended up like this. You can’t take it. But yet…..
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
you are worthy
you are worthy
you absolutely are worthy
I am so ashamed for letting myself get to this extreme low. I have battled for so long to maintain and I no longer can do that. I am failing in the basic steps of maintaining. The people here brought me out of the darkness for the first time in my life and I felt the warmth of the sunlight. Just as quickly I let someone’s hate topple me farther into the darkness than I have ever been. I need support, I need the people here who I have pushed away.
I know I was am too far gone, but I am still human(I think)
Have you tried turning to a faith? Christianity, Catholicism? Often times when people are overwhelmed with their lives or need to understand the meaning behind it, God has those answers and can help you see clearly. I know that it helped me when I went through some bad times in my life. Just know that God loves you and if you turn towards him for guidance he will show you. I will be praying for you.
@thoughtfulWheel1136
I have explored that area a few times throughout my life. I have no issues or problems with anyone’s beliefs regarding this topic, however I have not found that to be something that sets firmly in my foundation. I have had more than a few negative experiences in my times of exploring that realm of beliefs. I’m neither believer or nonbeliever. I have no firm footing on either side of this train of thought.
Thank you for your input.
Can I start out saying I am empathetic to how you feel. I hurt when you hurt. I laugh when you laugh and cry when you cry. I am so proud of you for reaching out! I am human too and you deserve happiness. It's supposed to be a equal amount of happiness and pain but my own life has proved to be heavy on the sad side. Someday you will have to right words to help out someone who you relate to. You made it thru the last big dilemma and this too shall pass. I love you!
Whatever is going on keeps adding layers. Confusion reigns.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Hey, sorry, it sounds like you might have had another negative experience here? I’m still here for you. I’m guessing the rest of the community will also be right here with you too.
@hopefulPond6108
Thank you.
For years I felt somewhat like that - I felt like I was somehow "in a hole" and could not get out, could not reach the edge to climb out. While I am still not in the complete state of mind that I would prefer, still, I no longer feel that way (the "in an hole and unable to get out" way). There were several things that helped along the way. One was learning about Cognitive Therapy - I had a therapist who had me join a class on recognizing negative thoughts, so I learned to recognize "catastrophizing", which helped to begin to avoid it. But it is a process, not an event - it takes practice, catching yourself in a harmful thought or harmful thinking pattern and stopping that, time after time (like practicing any other skill). Another thing that helped was, my doctor began giving me the cognitive assessment, which tracks your mood over time. He also prescribed a couple of anti-depressants. So, I urge you to talk to your doctor about these things: cognitive therapy; cognitive mood assessment forms; and anti-depressants. (Look up the book "Cognitive Therapy of Depression" by Aaron Beck, and its associated materials like workbooks.)
@blahblah70122
Thank you for reaching out . I appreciate your input.
Same nonsense as usual today, trying to not ramble anymore about the same stuff all the time.
Another day of whatever, doesn’t matter what. Just another day of wasting oxygen and space. Taking up space in an overcrowded world.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Keep ramblin'!
