Daily ramblings 2
I having problems posting to other thread so trying a new one.
I regret tomorrow more than today
I don’t want any more tomorrows
I regret yesterday more than tomorrow
Why am I forced to breathe
Am I serving some eternal prison sentence, suffering for eternity
When the brain shuts down and restarts the headache should go away too.
So should the thought speedway,
Just because I am still breathing at the end of the day doesn’t mean I’m surviving.
Playing pretend everyday whenever I am outside of my home. Just to make sure I have a paycheck to pay the bills. And replace everything else.
Trigger warning……mentions of suicidal ideation.
Living with these thoughts for the past 45 years on top of everything else has taken its toll. I’m not hiding the fact that every day of those 45 years I wake up thinking of dying, much less the thoughts throughout the rest of the 24 hours, only to reset again.
I will have to come back to this another time…losing focus
These overwhelming feelings have become a root part of me. Always they’re undermining everything I do, think , feel, believe.
Trigger warning. Yes, I do want my life to end . That is the basis of my reality. I , unfortunately, am such a screw up that this is a task I haven’t been able to complete on my own.
That is the one true thought/belief I have that has been with me for the entire 45 plus years, literally every single second of every one of those days.
I truly believed when I was little that I would be dead before 40. Whether self inflicted or body failure. I was in grade school…thinking of and looking forward to my demise.
This memory loss thing is affecting my ability to do my job effectively. The only “stable” thing I have, I am rapidly losing. My attitude has really changed, I am short tempered and very vocal. I can’t seem to control my outbursts, This is not me but it is me …???
No matter what work changes or life changes I make won’t make anything any better long term. What is happening inside of me is not going away and is obviously not getting better.
My frustration level is extremely high. Self esteem, which I never had much of, is nonexistent. Depression….as always is still at the maximum. Social anxiety is progressively becoming worse. Life anxiety is higher every day. Memory blackouts are …I suppose stable???….not better or worse. Arthritis is getting unbearable. Knee issues are extreme, body pains have escalated. Age…still climbing. Hair color, more and more white/gray. Concentration comes and goes. Desire to breathe….none. Confusion levels vary from half the time to most of the time.
Head pulsing and skull cracking / reshaping? Still happening.
Paranoia in my own home from time to time. Still having weird dreams combining past traumatic experiences. Starting to not be sure of true past memories. Everything is getting jumbled in my head like a million piece jigsaw puzzle.
The first thing that comes back to me after my brain shuts off is the ideation and the strong desires that accompany it.
Why must that be something I remember?
That should be one of the first things to disappear.
Only remembering pain and misery….. I never had any good memories???