Daily ramblings 2

Actually went to work today and twenty minutes later I went home. Thinking about the day ahead literally made me ill.

Is this what the future is adding in to its list for me now?

It’s not bad enough to deal with everything else affecting my ability to do my job, that I have to suffer additional misery regarding my work.

Hearing conversations that don’t actually occur. Add another issue to the long list. I’m not sure where things are headed. Is my hold on reality that close to slipping away.

For what purpose must I continue to endure this endless barrage of misery.

Scheduled appointment with local doctor on Tuesday to try and show them the information on CTE. Not sure what good it will do but just in case I am right , there may be a chance to get something officially started regarding trying some kind of treatment for it .

Am I better off just letting nature take its course, or should I try and find the strength to go all in on this idea of having CTE or something very similar.

Everything I have read really points at this diagnosis. Though all the trials and research seems to go into athletes and CTE. Not people like me.

I think at this point I just want to know why I am the way I am. Is it a ridiculous amount of multiple issues or is it a few (or one or two) issues severely compounded by CTE? Or is it just possible that CTE caused by being slapped in the back of the head many times as a young child has created the monster that I have become.

Granted I have had hundreds if not thousands of bumps to the head in my life , lately it seems like I do it daily. So if it started in childhood my continuation of bouncing my head off things throughout my life has only made it worse. But could it have started back then because of that happening?

What I have found of others research results is that this is entirely possible.

But convincing local doctors to proceed on a patient’s self diagnosis is not a battle I have the strength left for.

Is it truly possible if I do have CTE(or something similar) that all that I have posted here could be used for research purposes to help future generations? It would be nice if it was beneficial for people now.

So many thousands of people suffer with lots of different things, it doesn’t matter what it may be, I just try to avoid being one to add to their suffering with accounts of my troubles.

Maybe that’s why I post here the way I do. I leave it up to everyone else to decide whether or not they want to read my posts. The freedom they also have to respond in some way is also theirs .

I truly hope my pure honesty of my words can help others, I just don’t believe it is possible, my pure negativity erodes all possibilities of positivity coming from me.

I know the solutions to any/all of my issues will never be found. Whether it be here or anywhere else. So I can only deduce that my only remaining hope for staying the path here is the possibility of the totality of my posts, maybe even reading between the lines a little , will benefit this community is some form or another.

Even here, I feel guilty writing my issues down. My clock is running out and there are so many others here with a bright future ahead. My negativity destroys any light coming near. I don’t want to negatively impact anyone.

Seems like I need a bib when I eat now. I can’t seem to get food from the bowl into my mouth. Most of my food didn’t make it where it was intended. Dropping the bowl or plate I have come to accept but hand eye coordination going now?

I have been still having brain flickering moments and the mixed up flashback images, strange dreams during my cat naps at night. Basically all my other issues I am still struggling with. As per usual I just keep getting more issues daily.

I suppose that the latest could be related to the fact I bumped my head a little hard on the spot where I have the biggest dent and it is swelled up a good bit.

That was sometime in the last few days I think.

lately I have been experiencing this strange feeling and hearing things in my home. Sometimes it sounds like someone is trying to get in to my home, and at other times it sounds like they are already inside. I even see “shadows” moving . I know it’s not real but still. I even sometimes think certain things are out of place, not where I left them. That is not real either but that’s what my mind tells me.

I used to try to be overly organized because my memory issues were starting to fall and organization and routine helped with that. But for quite awhile now, not sure how long, I have no organization and no true routine. My home is a mess, I am ashamed of my lifestyle but truly lack the determination or strength to address anything anymore.

I am not sure what I was intending to say but as usual I have rambled like my senility seems to direct me to do

I wish it was possible to have a place here that was only for ourselves. A place where complete open and honest writing could be done. Without worry of trigger warnings or having posts removed because of what is described as too graphic, etc., etc, etc,

For my needs/wants that could be used in conjunction with the rest of my writings for a more accurate description of my day to day ordeals. So in some miraculous situation that this information could be used in research for people with chronic lifelong issues like mine.

This would definitely not be for public consumption. Just for the purposes of a type of diary or something containing my blatant pure honesty of my dealings with my issues.

but alas that will not happen, though I could quit writing here and try and write it in my computer, though that would be a complete waste of time and effort. There is a better chance that my writings have a chance of helping here than anywhere else.

To be known by so many yet not knowing myself