Daily ramblings 2

I had something I wanted to write, I think so anyway…. My mind just went blank again and I’m just going to leave it at that.

I am really starting to dislike moments of extreme clarity because it is a true sign of a time of forgetfulness ahead.

What is it like to have a true friend? What does it feel like to be loved? Do I need those things in my life? I think I want that in my life but do I need it? I have made it to the last chapter/s of my journey without it and not even sure it would be a good thing anyway.

Even if it was something I desperately needed I wouldn’t have a chance in reality of attaining that kind of thing.

Reality is that the doctors visit I have scheduled in a couple days, does not matter. If I can drum up the strength, the only thing I can hope to accomplish is to get it on record my self diagnosis of possible CTE. Nothing is going to change what’s happening to me. Just maybe get my brain donated to research when it’s all said and done. Or not. I don’t know what is the proper thing to do.

Whether or not the doctor is even going to work with my findings, not sure .

I even have trouble typing these words, I look at every letter as I touch it and I look at the words I type and they don’t necessarily match what I thought I was typing. Doesn’t make sense, but I don’t know how to explain it.

I’m not a person who can find positive out of negative. To see the bright side. To have hope. It gets better. You are worth it. Everyone has a purpose, mine is to be proof that it can always be worse. My life is proof of that.

I appreciate those who have tried and I am sorry that I haven’t succeeded in becoming “better” . I am continuing to fall deeper and deeper into the abyss of my misery. My frustration is overflowing, along with everything else.

This has to end soon, I can’t handle any more weight on my shoulders. The pain I feel, mental, physical, and emotional has taken its toll and this vessel has been structurally compromised.

I think it would be better if I didn’t find my way back after a brain episode.

It feels like something is crawling on my skin a lot of the time.

Why do I bother to continue with this. I think I have stated that maybe these words will possibly help someone or maybe help prevent someone from getting so far gone as me. Allowing them to get/accept help as they need it not after it’s too late. I just don’t know what to believe anymore.

My continued failings are proof that the decisions I think are correct are actually wrong, and when I second guess my decision and change my mind I am still wrong. So, the reasoning behind my continuation of these writings is not necessarily a positive thing.

I still am struggling with the same laundry list of issues. Still having strange flashbacks. They have managed to incorporate my recent work activity into them. Which is not helping my already extremely difficult work day even harder.

My social anxiety is very high and maintaining a level head while working is nearing the impossible stage.

Brain flickers are steady. Forgetting things I did seconds ago is normal for me.

I’m paranoid about a lot of dumb things. I have no true basis for these paranoid thoughts. I’m just getting more and more things adding into this category.