Daily ramblings 2
I having problems posting to other thread so trying a new one.
Trigger warning for mention of suicide.
One thing that has been prominent in my racing thoughts has been the guilt I have put on myself regarding my (adult) aged stepson that took his own life several years ago. I assume guilt for most everything in my life but presently this one reigns supreme in my guilt.
Whether I am right or wrong for feeling guilty, I am in a big way responsible for failing as a parent. I didn’t handle marriage and family very well. Poorly would be the better word choice. I failed him. That is one of the many burdens I have accepted in my life.
Attempted to get house in order. I made more of a mess than I accomplished in straightening. Not sure what is happening or how to explain it. Partly was my ability to hold onto things . The rest , I just was knocking things over as I tried to move them. Seems like the mess is worse than when I started. This just continues to be steps forward into the miserable continuation of my issues.
Trigger warning… mention of suicide ideation.
How much longer do I have to endure the prominent thoughts when the day starts and when the day ends , much less throughput the day. Basically fifty years of this. Too much emphasis in my thoughts of this . How can anyone have these thoughts for this long and not succumb to them? Add in everything else that is piled on and it is like pouring concrete over them and solidifying that as a foundation of my life.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Im so sorry your dealing with suicidall ideation thoughts. I understand this though, I have been in that loop on a few occasions and it is a sign help is needed. I take an antidepressant to help me with this side effect of PTSD . I was very opposed to taking medication but I have to admit it helped save me from myself. A family member insisted I take it. I was incredibly stubborn and resistant. Because of my horrible trauma background I will probably be on it for long time .
Please don't blame yourself for your stepson, he made that choice regardless of your relationship difficulties. He could have looked for therapy/help or called an 800 # to help him through difficult times.
Sometimes when we are in the dark place we can't see things clearly. I can say that you matter regardless of your mistakes. They were a lesson to be learned from not a life sentence. When we know better we do better right?
Your changing all the time here on this forum. You reach out for support and comfort. This is a brave step to take -
Be gentle with yourself my friend. Its ok we are all not perfect and are doing the best we can with what we know.
Do you have a pet? sometimes pets can help in so many ways. And they love you no matter what . They don't judge or critisize us.
I understand your darkness inside your thoughts. Your not alone and your matter.
Best always
ABB
@amiableBlackberry92
Thank you.
So much I want to write, but I am sure I have already written all of it before.
Too many changes in my life it seems like all at once. I struggle with one or two, much less when it seems like everything is changing and not for the better. Unless my brain finally blows a fuse and doesn’t come back on. Then it definitely won’t matter.
Knowing that so many other people struggle with similar issues is a fact I realize is supposed to be helpful. For me though, not so much. I don’t want to deal with everything anymore. I don’t want to go through anymore of these “challenges” that keep coming my way. I haven’t been able to deal with the first “challenges” from 50 years ago. Much less all those added since then. Now with all the recent changes…. Too much to handle.
Not sure without rereading my writings but I believe I have stated this numerous times. it just seems like I am approaching my breaking point. With nothing out there that has ever helped, I don’t know where to turn or how to adjust to all the mental, physical and life changes.
Not sure what the issue was but when I was getting out of the shower, I had a major issue just trying to get ahold of the edge of the shower curtain to open it. More signs of my deteriorating physical abilities I guess.
I am trying to just get the ambition to force myself to get outside to try and shovel all the snow from the latest blizzard so I can try and get to work.
Not sure why, but a simple, unimportant fact from my youth is really frustrating me at the moment. It stems from the first hospital I was checked into for mental issues. It doesn’t matter in the scheme of things but I think my memory of what age I was is different than when I thought it was. It might’ve been a few years earlier than I thought.
Don’t know why this is frustrating me so much.
Which would put the counseling and psychiatrists at around first grade.
I think I have come across that wall blocking the path. Had enough of this journey, am begging for whatever is going to take over to just do it already. Whether it’s my mind’s light finally burning out, my heart giving out, my skull finishing whatever it’s doing. Enough is enough, I can’t do this anymore,
The plan was to write something, but what it was has rejoined the race in my thoughts.
I don’t remember what giving/receiving a hug feels like . Not sure if I could handle participating in the action of hugging.
Not that it matters anyway. I want to have someone to learn to be close with, but I wouldn’t wish someone like me on anybody. I am so out of touch and such a complete mess that I know those kinds of things are not possible for me.
It’s just that if I had one wish it would be just that . Someone to spend the rest of whatever time I have left teaching me, loving me, someone who would teach me how To live in return. Someone who could unlock my doors and reach the part of me on permanent lockdown. Someone to teach me the pleasures of simple human contact and interaction. Someone who won’t run from my negativity, someone I won’t ruin with my negativity.
Anyway, that will never happen so I need to leave that pipe dream here and forget about it.
I would like to believe that I don’t play the woe is me game. But lately that seems to be the case. I am feeling sorry for myself. Yes, I have been the one to build the walls I am trapped between. I am the one to blame for how far into the darkness that I have wandered. If I would have asked and accepted directions (help) when I was a child, I might’ve had a chance to be ok.
Trigger warning for mention of suicide and self harm.
After how many decades of thinking about and the many attempts I sometimes wonder why I acted on those ideas. Maybe it was to feel something, anything. Pain seems better than nothing when living a “life” without feeling anything. I think that is why I developed the intentional self infliction of pain so late in my saga.
Makes no sense but what in my journey does.
