Daily ramblings 2
I having problems posting to other thread so trying a new one.
Struggling to focus but figured I should try and update here . Things are still the same, continually worsening. Another med for high blood pressure. Chest pain in varying levels. Maybe that is the way my time ends. Ironic, life passed through with an empty heart to go via heart failure.
Dr. is playing along with my self diagnosis. Though really pushing for counseling/therapy not truly knowing my history with everything. I think I have told her an overview of my mental history. Full disclosure I think is never going to happen.
I even bought a voice recorder and read off my writings here ( not anything anyone else wrote, just what I did) . It took a long time to do because of focus/brain flickers . I think I even added a few other things . The latest writings are not on it. I planned on giving her but knowing people and their tendency to overreact I didn’t.
“Zoning out” in front of customers now. I go to the doctor with a plan to give updates like this and I forget everything I need to say. If I write a list I forget the list. I am now officially paying for pushing everyone away.
Not succeeding in making any decisions regarding my future. Long or short term.
So many changes in the last six or so months, (none for the positive). I am beyond overwhelmed. Granted I completely lack positivity, but how can anyone who is given a definitive diagnosis and timeline see any positive side to anything.
The only thing that I can remotely grasp on this is knowing a timeline or timeframe. I know I won’t/don’t have that information and knowing that the time is coming but it could be soon or it could be years more. Continuously failing health (mental and physical) I would say emotionally as well but when my emotions are limited to negative ones, the bar is so low already.
Took a day off work due to my cognitive issues.
I tried taking an extra shower to help get my “focus” back and ended up scalding myself because I turned the cold water completely off thinking I was adjusting the shower head.
More reasons for me to enjoy where I am headed.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Sorry to hear my friend. I hope the rest of the day offers at least some rest.
Doctor found a study regarding concussion therapy that I might qualify for . Not sure how I am going to get there if I do but I’m not sure about the importance of doing it. Yes, I should be thinking more about helping others by subjecting myself to this kind of experimentation. According to others I should want to “find a cure”. It seems like not long ago I did want that. However now I am not sure about the point of anything.
Plus this is some kind of hyperbolic oxygen treatment?!?! I think I would be forced into a small chamber for this. I am extremely claustrophobic. After the last embarrassing incident of my claustrophobic life, I am not sure that I should waste everyone’s time by attempting this.
on the other hand, a doctor is trying to figure things out. If I don’t try this I may never have another opportunity to get my foot in the door for research on this.
But is it worth anyone’s time if I am not fully embracing this opportunity?
I understand that there are a few here who will disagree with what I say next , though it is nothing that I haven’t said before.
I don’t feel worthy of anything, I don’t want a future of any kind. I am tired of being tired, of feeling this way day after day , minute after minute, second after second. So , I feel that even though this is something I have been hoping for, it would be wasted on me.
I am so far past the I don’t care turnoff that I don’t think I have enough time to reach another opportunity.
I had more on this , but brain fogging up again.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Some thoughts:
Feeling worthy - Who is measuring worth today? Subscribe to this if you choose but if you want any kind of positive emotional momentum you won’t get it by ruminating on this. You’re alive, you have feelings, you’re human. All humans want happiness and to avoid suffering. “Worth” is just some story humans made up (probably ans a form of control) and it’s B.S.
I have myself wanted to give up after a long struggle. I would guess it’s not an uncommon feeling. But whether others pushed me or I pushed me, was grateful for having made it through and was rewarded.
It seems you have an opportunity here.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
I understand your trepidation in trying this treatment. I too am claustrophobic. I wonder if the Dr might prescribe a medication for you that would help you through it.
It couldn't hurt to ask right? ....
I've been thinking about you and wanted to stop by here and say hi .
ABB 💜
I finally got info on that hyperbaric trial. Even if I wasn’t extremely claustrophobic, I can’t do it it requires dozens of treatments over the course of too many weeks. Too far away to even remotely consider. That was a waste of hopefulness on my part.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Have you wondered if some charitable organization might be able to help you out with lodging and food and such while you got the treatment? Oh a go fund me page?
Trying to regrasp the thoughts I just wrote. I am scheduled to maybe fill out paperwork on Tuesday morning. I don’t know what I should do. The hyperbolic chamber thing scares me. Even if I could get to that point, I still can’t be sure I could get in to that thing.
I seem to have lost the rest of what I wanted to write.
I am just so tired.. I can’t keep my eyes open. Too many thoughts racing. Brain really flickering today.
Headaches are back with a vengeance lately, they have always been there but not always at migraine strength.
Been awhile since I wrote anything I think.
Same issues different day. Work hours and related stresses have increased dramatically. Nature of my work. I am so completely drained whenever I make it home that I barely control my issues enough to come here at all.
So much effort to be everything that I am not, all day everyday at work, in front of people and the internal battle to keep up the false front and not show any signs of my true nature constantly at war.
Why put myself through this daily? There is nothing positive about going through *** 24 hours a day. No benefit at all.
I’m not sure what to do but I know this can’t be my future still, can it?
what purpose does my extreme suffering serve?
