Daily ramblings 2

Thoughts racing mainly when I am off work and not living the big lie. Where as at work my thoughts can be so slow I lose focus a lot , take a couple of steps from what I’m doing to get something and I forget what I need and what I need it for.

Headaches are a lot less but the throbbing and such in the head are still there.

Flashbacks are still prominent, still mixed up I think. Ideation still very prominent,

sleeping a lot more I think. At least according to my writings I have not gotten much actual sleep for years.

I have thought about giving the screen name I use here and the site name so the doctor can maybe get details that she wants/needs that I don’t disclose. But too much judgment I fear from doing that.

I’ve also debated on filling out the form on gender completely but haven’t for same fear of judgement and also I don’t think it matters anymore anyway.

I don’t enjoy being home alone but I also don’t enjoy being home with other people.

I had something to write but now am trying to gain control over ? “anxiety attack ” ? Just read something that confirms I write too much here. I don’t enjoy any spotlight on me at all and this was meant in kindness and recognition but I am not “normal” I read this and started having an anxiety or panic attack.

Why can’t I just be normal and just appreciate the kindness without taking it this way?

The more time that passes the more the little things bother me.

I’m not sure about anything anymore. Self doubt is prevalent in all that I do. I don’t think that is new information here. I lack the confidence in everything I do. Have faith?.?.?…. I do I have faith that I will probably mess up something at anytime of the day, many times a day.

I still don’t know or understand why I continue to openly write here. I don’t expect anything to change. I guess it might be a way to track things after I am gone. Progression of whatever is going on with me . Maybe, maybe not.

My doctor suggested some king of genetic testing for meds. I went ahead and did it , not sure if I should have but maybe that will reveal something.

Not sure if this is a new thing for me or not but I just noticed that my organizational habits at home are ridiculously stupid. If I don’t organize things in a certain way it irritates me. I think irritates is not exactly the right word but even though my drive to correct it is nil, until I do it bugs me.

I think I have been kind of organized for awhile considering the layers of labels on storage containers, I just think it’s getting to be a little too organized. Maybe this is related to everything my mind/body is going through. Maybe I always have been this ridiculously organized,