Ramblings 3

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Hey. Thank you for sharing. I know things may seem paradoxical in the steps you're taking, but please trust that you are headed into the right direction. You are creating your own path. You are amazing and everything will be okay. 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Hey there, my friend. I hope this little note finds you doing ok. Take good self care of yourself, but know we all miss you❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Hope you're doing alright :) <3

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Sending you good vibes ❤️ 

I apologize for not being here, I miss all of you so much. My struggles are not much different. I will not be here for awhile, I don’t know how long. With all the nonsense going on in this country right now and the hate being spread, the major overreach and invasions of privacy, the reversal of caring and support is forcing me to refrain from communicating here. I wish this wasn’t the case because I need all of you, this community is all I have.

I hope all of you are doing well, and again I apologize for not being here with all of you.

@Tinywhisper11

❤️❤️❤️

I miss all of you so much🩷❤️🧡💛💜💙🩵💚🤎🤍🩶🖤💝💘💖💗💓💞💕💔❤️‍🔥❤️‍🩹❣️

I miss all of you so much , it literally hurts. I think about all of you quite often. I still have a lot of brain episodes, and all my struggles have not gone away. They actually seem worse since I am not here with my family, this wonderful community and all the beautiful people here.

@Tinywhisper11 I have failed you. I promised you that I would be here for you always. And even though I believe that my decision to stay away from here due to things beyond my control due to those in power in order to keep them from coming for me and using my writings here against me and who knows what else they would do after that.

I do love you and you are with me always. Even when my brain flickers. I hope you are still finding the strength to persevere in your own journey. I miss our communications. ❤️💜❤️🩷❤️💝

I miss Twisted, Helgafy, and everyone else who my brain is not letting me focus on right now.

I am going to stop now because my brain is really flickering. I know that there are many more that have visited my ramblings over the years, and I am thankful and forever grateful to each and every single one of you. I love all of you so much.

😭😩🥺😢😭😞😔😟❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I have tried to avoid writing anything personal here, but considering that this is a diary of sorts, a timeline perhaps…

My brain episodes, the flickering is still ever present and becoming unnerving. I had one at work that was almost like my worst expectations coming true. I crawled into a piece of equipment to get some parts to move out of the way and as I sat down I was in a literal fog, I didn’t recognize anything, where I was , or what I was in or even how to operate the simple functions I needed to accomplish. This was a task I have done thousands of times and I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. But I have been really lucky to not have had this extreme of a fade in this type of scenario before. This was also with a coworker right beside me to learn what I was doing.

I am sure it’s just not possible but it seems like every issue I struggle with is harder and harder to deal with every second of every day. The issues seem to be getting bigger and bigger.

I don’t feel comfortable discussing and reshedding light on them all here. Several of you that have read my writings over the years have an idea of those things, and I trust all of you. I still fear the over reach into personal private information by the current administration and all that support and encourage all that goes with it.

I despise politics but it is being forced upon everyone right now and I don’t think it’s going to end anytime soon. This nonsense is forced into the mixture of every thought, every word spoke, and every action taken to make sure that pure, true caution is taken with every breath taken.

It is an extra heavy burden on me , with who I am and everything I struggle with. I am probably just extremely paranoid but that is kind of beginning to be another “normal” for me as well. Considering the social anxiety aspect, paranoia is part of it.

On a side note . It must be my turn for contractor issues . I hired one to redo my sidewalk and steps and they ripped it all out and have , what’s the term, ghosted me I think is the words I am thinking of. So, I have to figure out how to get money I don’t have to get another one to fix what they started and then finish the job.

Actually have been trying to do an inventory list of all the nonsense I own for when I don’t wake up anymore. I have no friends or family so a list might help speed up the process of disposing of my junk for those forced into dealing with it.

The last doctor I saw was very blunt about the latest issues they found were age related. Granted I am past the fifty mark but this was the first to say it out loud.

Granted this was an eye doctor and it was referring to glaucoma. Not entirely unexpected but it does hit a little like a slap in the face the first time a doctor says it. I have said it about myself for years. I know it , I easily admit it, but a doctor telling me ….

Ok I will stop before I start discussing the wrong things.

I miss all of you.❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

❤️❤️❤️ @Tinywhisper11 ❤️ ❤️❤️

I have tried to not write anything too personal here due to the overall tone of things in this country. However, I figured that while it is still something that is still in my mind and I know is a “real” event, that I should document it here before my brain decides to make it disappear into questionable memories.

I thought that my time was truly up a couple days ago. Got woken up by the indescribable sound of a tornado and the house creaking, the loud crashes of things hitting the house, I opened the door to try and see if what I was hearing was actually what was happening. But it was pitch black and I couldn’t see even inches in front of me. I laid back in bed and resigned myself to the inevitable. Which, obviously didn’t happen.

It supposedly only touched down for a minute but the howling at the level I woke up to lasted a lot longer than that.

The damage I had to deal with was a lot less than many others around me.

It was not scary or traumatic in any way. I just remember realizing what was happening and patiently resigned to my fate from this event.