Things my mind hides or loses….which is beginning to be just about everything .

I haven't gotten much of anything done today. Which is normal for me I think. After I got home from work, I laid down for a bit and fell asleep. Then , of course, I couldn't get motivated to get up and get a couple of things done while the sun was overhead. The only thing I somewhat accomplished was somewhat "leveling" my driveway. Which consists of basically no real work other than turning the steering wheel on the mower. I should have bought a larger drag to do a better job. I bought a 4 foot one thinking (my usual first mistake) that the turns would be easier. They were but my heavy service truck is not easy on my driveway. I have a sand and gravel driveway. The recent rain has saturated the ground of course and trying to fill in the ruts with a 4 foot drag is a losing battle. I will have to get more sand/gravel hauled in next year so I will try and remember to buy a larger one before then.

I wanted to try and mow but the sun is dropping and temperature is as well. Tonight it's supposed to rain again plus tomorrow.

I suppose I should try and get motivated to continue with the organizing inside. Well, maybe....

Motivation has been deleted from my programming. So has everything else related to it.

I think my transmission is stuck in reverse. Progress seems to always lead to a possible end in sight, then my karma kicks in and the light shining on the goal shorts out.

Have so many different reminders regarding multiple things around my home. Yes, the ones reminding me of this community are still there. But, the inventory/organization of all my junk is a rather large task and the extreme lack of motivation, is a major hindrance.

Factor in the laundry list of struggles including the brain flickering. I know that things are spiraling in what seems to be a rapid decline and a mature decision should probably be made soon. Even though the safety nets that are supposed to be in place for people like me have been taken away and an impossible obstacle course has been built on the supposed path to them.

The episodes of unfamiliarity with surroundings that I have in depth experience in seem to be happening more often. The sudden fear brought on by those episodes is something I can't put into words. It's bad enough when the brain flickers at home, or at least not at work. But to all of a sudden be in a strange place, not recognizing anything around me, the extreme confusion, the fear of so many unknowns at one time. At home I have reminders to guide me "back". At work, not so much.

What happens when that switch that flips tripping the flickers completely quits functioning?

Continued with seemingly endless inventory/organization project. Long drawn out process. Trying to eliminate several media tower shelving units. Unfortunately, I will probably be forced to throw them away because room is not something I have. I'm at the outer limits of the balance between storage and living like an extreme hoarder. Which I suppose I could be considered as being anyway.

Hopefully I will be able to get motivated enough, early enough tomorrow to get a lot closer to getting the inside portion of this project done. I need to get the attached garage portion caught back up to the point that I only have the bolt organization left.

Trigger warning for many reasons, the following is just another venting rant.

When are choices not choices anymore? How is anything a choice when there is only one realistic option? That realistic option is at the narrow end of a funnel that society and "elected government politicians" cram their opinions and beliefs into and force their opinions(right or wrong)onto everyone else and take choices away from everyone else but still label what is left the best option for everyone. The control and overreach, the bigotry, judgement, and admonishment, the demeaning rhetoric and behavior, the do as I say not as I do, the hiding behind the false fronts on every level and issue. All of it based so far out of reality and selfishness and greed. The lies, the broken promises, all of it is so far from reality that it's beyond amazing that so many people believe and worship and this behavior. If people would truly step to the middle and "read the entire book, front to back" and try and understand the whole story not just certain words or pictures that are hand picked to please their own narrative, they just might, possibly see things in a new light and realize the huge threat to society comes from their sadistically, egotistical, racist, selfish, childish, idol.

Stripping away everything that this country was founded upon . And centuries of change and compromise always at least attempting to improve and ensure equality, fairness, dignity and respect for all. Protecting the freedoms that society enjoys was always at the top of the list. Everything that everyone has taken for granted is being taken away second by second and there are too many people that have the power to do things to protect the sacred values, rights and freedoms for everyone in this country that are continuing to defend the destruction of everything we are. That includes on the world stage as well.

Using the young men and women who have chosen to protect this country to patrol this country and strip away the very concept that they are supposed to protect. That is just horrific. I can't imagine what those young people are going thru mentally feeling the obligation to do what they are being "ordered" to do. Forcing these same people to be executioners based on our so called leaders childish whims. Terrorizing society using the basis of racism and physical abuses and assaults.

This childish leader stating that they want to make this country great again and this country first , all while ripping this country apart and destroying this country's relationships and yet supposedly trying to play peacemaker around the world mainly to benefit them own bank accounts.

I suppose I am done for now, my focus is fading fast.

Trigger warning,

depression related whining

So many things have changed in my little corner of the darkness that I reside in the recent past.

I don't handle small changes very well much less the numerous small and large ones that continue to rain down. The only thing that is/was somewhat stable continues to prove that the "writing on the wall" regarding the true direction/future of the job I have known for so long is destined for elimination.

The company that bought us made the age old promises/lies about the future. The reality is we were bought to eliminate competition and to line their wallets with access to contracts and customers they couldn't get before.

It has only been a couple of years and they have already sold several of our old stores with others already planned to be sold. We were a specialized business that was a success due to our customer relationships and success with our service ethics.

At the location I work out of it has become very clear that there are only a couple of us left that are hindering their efforts to phase us out.

I have already been forced to admit my physical and mental decline is severely limiting my abilities to continue this job. But to be in this position of knowing I am losing the capacity to continue this job yet in the same thought knowing that when the time comes that I have to make the decision to leave, I will be putting the final nail in the coffin of an era of a small company that grew while continuing to take care of its customers with their needs at the forefront.

Knowing the way this current company handles their customers, the job I have done for so long will soon be gone. I will be the one who ends the era of the store I was a part of for so long.

There are a three other people that are part of that heritage but two of them just "roll with it" and are so wrapped in the corporate narrative they are not concerned with the roots of the business and the realistic end of what we helped build. There is only one other person that sees what I see, but they are so close to retirement they feel trapped because of that. I would've been in a similar position but my "breakdown" several years ago cost me that position.

I know there is nothing I can do to change what's happening. Knowing that I will be the next one out and will be the final loss needed to phase out our branch strikes something in me that aches so much everyday. My stubbornness is pushing me to stay to prolong the inevitable. My body however is fighting against that very idea.

My depression, along with everything else has been raging at extreme levels for so long that adding the stress of knowing that I will be the one to end the era is a burden too many.

Everyone who’s reading this I hope you have a wonderful day today!